Numero Uno.
I guess its time for the obligatory first entry. I don't think this is going to be a blow-by-blow replay of what happened the day before or anything like that. But, for those of you who want to know (or already know), Rini came over yesterday and we went to the mall and she slept over. All in all, it was fun. Sadly, the photo booth at Coastland is gone, so no memorabilia. We had fun with henna, too. She created a very intricate design that took me HOURS to do while she was on the phone with Dustin. But that's okay, because I got to watch the last episode of Crest of the Stars and the most recent episode of Banner of the Stars.
Now, enough recanting. For future reference, the phrase "you-know-who", occasionally abbreviated "ykw" will be included often in my rants/reflections. I'm not referring to Voldemort, but if by chance I do mention good ol' Voldy, I'll make a note of it. Anyway, you-know-who is what I'll be calling my ex. Moving right along...
I'm bisexual and I know that for a fact, but, I'm very much in love with a male, which is great and lovely, but we're split up (not so lovely) and that is my BIG problem. So, I just want to talk about it. To myself mostly. Well, that's kinda why I got this thing. I guess I got tired of talking to myself. But, my life doesn't revolve around ykw. I'm much more complex than that. I have school to start worrying about and that is a big deal. That's kinda the problem though. He's not here, its long-distance (I know, I know, they never work) so we can only talk at night...but, I need to sleep at night. If it were just a summer fling, that would be fine because I'm up at all hours of the night anyway, but no, its not. So, when school starts up, I fall asleep and I don't talk to him or I get too stressed and don't talk to him and its all very bad. It really wouldn't work out anyway, would it? I have all honors and AP classes next year so I really wouldn't have much time for him so its all very pointless. Normally, I could accept this and move on, but, its not working for me. I actually love this person. Which is very odd because I'm very narcissistic and tend to only love myself (well, romantically anyway. I DO love my friends.) and I'm really not a people person. But I really love him. As tacky as it sounds, its the kind of love where you'd take a bullet for them...or give up the remote. But I'm young so this all sounds very childish, but the thing is, its very real. The worst thing is that he and I had common interests and a lot of his interests rubbed off on me so the things I enjoy doing remind me of him. Gaming for example. I'm an old school Sega Genesis whore, and have been since I was a kid, but the thing is, he was a gamer when I met him. Plus, he was the biggest tech g33k I've ever known, and some (unfortunately, not all) of that rubbed off on me. And anime, too. He was such an anime junkie...and I loved, loved, LOVED that about him...though I never told him. So, I can't even watch Lafiel and Jinto's quasi-flirtation on CotS (which he used to try to get me to watch and now oddly enough, I do) without thinking of him. Tattoos too. He had tattoos and I thought they were really quite awesome. Now, when I'm doing mendhi, I think of him and how he promised that on my 18th birthday, he would hold my hand while I got my first tattoo. He was also supposed to help me design it. He's a very talented artist, you know. Everything goes back to him. Of course I know its my fault. I'm doing that, I'm connecting everything back to him. For example, there was a movie on Lifetime today about this woman who fell in love with her female boss and when she came out to her various family members, I started thinking of when I came out to him.
This whole thing is a real bitch. I know I haven't a chance with him, but I can't help it. He was probably the One..no, he actually WAS the One and I went and ruined it. I was really quite horrible to him. That's enough for now. Oh shit. Dustin did you have to send me something so pretty and depressing at a time like this? Last time, he sent me "Simple and Clean". Heh. Soulmates never die..that's one of the lyrics. How lovely. What a nice phrase. Makes me wonder if its true. Perhaps its not really over...just for now, maybe. I wonder if he'll ever read any of this. I'm considering telling him about this...to let him in on this part of me so he can see how I'm feeling and that I really do love him. I'm not so sure though. It might be overkill.
Now, enough recanting. For future reference, the phrase "you-know-who", occasionally abbreviated "ykw" will be included often in my rants/reflections. I'm not referring to Voldemort, but if by chance I do mention good ol' Voldy, I'll make a note of it. Anyway, you-know-who is what I'll be calling my ex. Moving right along...
I'm bisexual and I know that for a fact, but, I'm very much in love with a male, which is great and lovely, but we're split up (not so lovely) and that is my BIG problem. So, I just want to talk about it. To myself mostly. Well, that's kinda why I got this thing. I guess I got tired of talking to myself. But, my life doesn't revolve around ykw. I'm much more complex than that. I have school to start worrying about and that is a big deal. That's kinda the problem though. He's not here, its long-distance (I know, I know, they never work) so we can only talk at night...but, I need to sleep at night. If it were just a summer fling, that would be fine because I'm up at all hours of the night anyway, but no, its not. So, when school starts up, I fall asleep and I don't talk to him or I get too stressed and don't talk to him and its all very bad. It really wouldn't work out anyway, would it? I have all honors and AP classes next year so I really wouldn't have much time for him so its all very pointless. Normally, I could accept this and move on, but, its not working for me. I actually love this person. Which is very odd because I'm very narcissistic and tend to only love myself (well, romantically anyway. I DO love my friends.) and I'm really not a people person. But I really love him. As tacky as it sounds, its the kind of love where you'd take a bullet for them...or give up the remote. But I'm young so this all sounds very childish, but the thing is, its very real. The worst thing is that he and I had common interests and a lot of his interests rubbed off on me so the things I enjoy doing remind me of him. Gaming for example. I'm an old school Sega Genesis whore, and have been since I was a kid, but the thing is, he was a gamer when I met him. Plus, he was the biggest tech g33k I've ever known, and some (unfortunately, not all) of that rubbed off on me. And anime, too. He was such an anime junkie...and I loved, loved, LOVED that about him...though I never told him. So, I can't even watch Lafiel and Jinto's quasi-flirtation on CotS (which he used to try to get me to watch and now oddly enough, I do) without thinking of him. Tattoos too. He had tattoos and I thought they were really quite awesome. Now, when I'm doing mendhi, I think of him and how he promised that on my 18th birthday, he would hold my hand while I got my first tattoo. He was also supposed to help me design it. He's a very talented artist, you know. Everything goes back to him. Of course I know its my fault. I'm doing that, I'm connecting everything back to him. For example, there was a movie on Lifetime today about this woman who fell in love with her female boss and when she came out to her various family members, I started thinking of when I came out to him.
This whole thing is a real bitch. I know I haven't a chance with him, but I can't help it. He was probably the One..no, he actually WAS the One and I went and ruined it. I was really quite horrible to him. That's enough for now. Oh shit. Dustin did you have to send me something so pretty and depressing at a time like this? Last time, he sent me "Simple and Clean". Heh. Soulmates never die..that's one of the lyrics. How lovely. What a nice phrase. Makes me wonder if its true. Perhaps its not really over...just for now, maybe. I wonder if he'll ever read any of this. I'm considering telling him about this...to let him in on this part of me so he can see how I'm feeling and that I really do love him. I'm not so sure though. It might be overkill.