[fic] Five Alternate Dimensions Mike and Emma Frost Visited
"But what are you supposed to do with a dimension filled with nothing but shrimp?" Emma complained.
"All you can eat buffet," Mike said. "Grab a bucket!"
---
Pocket dimension, tower, stables, fields, climbing tree. Picnic!
"It's so peaceful here," Emma said.
"Ymf!" Mike agreed around a mouthfull of apple-cheese and chillis.
"Perhaps I should buy some transdimensional real-estate," Emma mused. "It would be useful to have, and you can rarely go wrong with land as an investment."
Mike nodded intelligently.
"And you're sure there's no weirdness here?" She added.
"Ymf!" Mike agreed, eating the last of the pickles. "Hundred percent."
There was a sudden red blur and the plate was filled. Ariel giggled as she fell up into the tree. The flowers started humming in eight-part harmony to the musical sea breeze that was coming out of a lower tower window.
"Ninety percent," said Mike. "Well, eighty-five. Ish."
He tipped his top-hat to the singing badgers and helped himself to another shrimp.
---
"This isn't our mansion," said Emma.
"Yes, it is," said Mike.
"It's not even a mansion. It's a backdrop."
"It looks like the mansion," Mike said.
"It's painted on cloth. Look." She turned diamond and casually put her hand through the 'wall'.
"...huh," said Mike.
"We're on a stage," said Emma. "With lots of TV cameras and a fake Mansion and--"
"Mojoverse!" They both chorused.
"Thaaaaat's right!" crowed the big yellow guy himself, scuttling into view on his robot scorpion leg things. "And you're--"
"Booked for the fortnight," said Mike. "Did you clear this with her agent? Miss Frost doesn't do cameo for less than full fee and we insist on script pre-approval, especially on rewrites. And where's Miss Frost's other assistants? Her entourage? How do you expect her to perform without a constant supply of flowers, perfume, chocolate, Cristal and pretty man-whores to rest her eyes upon? And what's with this shoddy workmanship? Miss Frost put her hand right through that, and, look, these cameras blow up at the slightest mishap!" He gestured. Cameras exploded. "This service is terrible! Really, what were you thinking? The whole production is a disaster. We'll never get on air, now."
"Oh, um," said Mojo. "Well, I--"
"Miss Frost refuses to be in anything less than a stellar performance! My god, man, you might as well be making reality TV! Good day, sir! I said, good day!"
Mike and Emma strode off the stage in high strop.
"I was only," Mojo started and then frowned. "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! GUARDS! GUARDS! Oh, never mind. Reality TV, eh?"
---
"This is our mansion," said Mike. "See? Made of bricks and everything."
"True," said Emma. "Although I can't help noticing it's a bombed out ruin."
"The mansion gets blown up all the time," Mike complained. "I don't see how you can go around saying we're in the wrong dimension just because the mansion has been blown up!"
He poked the door. Alarms went off. Spotlights came down. Men with guns appeared.
"Someone's at the shrine!" The chant got taken up by them all. "Someone's at the shrine! Someone's at the shrine!"
"Ohhhh," sang the leader,
"They could be mutants,
some evil mutants!"
Emma glared.
"Which is ridiculous,
'cause mutants
they were persecuted
Meta good and love the genes
and mutant power and
I'll be over here."
"I don't know what's going on here," she started.
"I've got a theory," Mike cut in. Emma slapped a hand across his mouth.
"If you attempt that foul caterwauling you call singing," Emma said nicely, "I will rip out your lungs."
"...mmf?" Mike said against her hand.
"Both at once!"
"Mmf!" She took her hand away. "Can I rap?"
"No!"
"Aww!" He pouted.
"Now, take us home. The right one!"
"Don't worry," Mike said. "Third time's the charm."
"Third time's the charm!" sang the crowd. "Third time is the charm! Ohh, it's the charm! The CHAAAARMMMM!!"
---
"I don't want to question your expertise," Emma said, "but are you absolutely sure we're in the right dimension now?"
"Absolutely," said Mike.
The Beast bounced past, waving a neon pink hand at them, Ice-Girl slung over his shoulder.
"...eh, close enough. More shrimp?"
"All you can eat buffet," Mike said. "Grab a bucket!"
---
Pocket dimension, tower, stables, fields, climbing tree. Picnic!
"It's so peaceful here," Emma said.
"Ymf!" Mike agreed around a mouthfull of apple-cheese and chillis.
"Perhaps I should buy some transdimensional real-estate," Emma mused. "It would be useful to have, and you can rarely go wrong with land as an investment."
Mike nodded intelligently.
"And you're sure there's no weirdness here?" She added.
"Ymf!" Mike agreed, eating the last of the pickles. "Hundred percent."
There was a sudden red blur and the plate was filled. Ariel giggled as she fell up into the tree. The flowers started humming in eight-part harmony to the musical sea breeze that was coming out of a lower tower window.
"Ninety percent," said Mike. "Well, eighty-five. Ish."
He tipped his top-hat to the singing badgers and helped himself to another shrimp.
---
"This isn't our mansion," said Emma.
"Yes, it is," said Mike.
"It's not even a mansion. It's a backdrop."
"It looks like the mansion," Mike said.
"It's painted on cloth. Look." She turned diamond and casually put her hand through the 'wall'.
"...huh," said Mike.
"We're on a stage," said Emma. "With lots of TV cameras and a fake Mansion and--"
"Mojoverse!" They both chorused.
"Thaaaaat's right!" crowed the big yellow guy himself, scuttling into view on his robot scorpion leg things. "And you're--"
"Booked for the fortnight," said Mike. "Did you clear this with her agent? Miss Frost doesn't do cameo for less than full fee and we insist on script pre-approval, especially on rewrites. And where's Miss Frost's other assistants? Her entourage? How do you expect her to perform without a constant supply of flowers, perfume, chocolate, Cristal and pretty man-whores to rest her eyes upon? And what's with this shoddy workmanship? Miss Frost put her hand right through that, and, look, these cameras blow up at the slightest mishap!" He gestured. Cameras exploded. "This service is terrible! Really, what were you thinking? The whole production is a disaster. We'll never get on air, now."
"Oh, um," said Mojo. "Well, I--"
"Miss Frost refuses to be in anything less than a stellar performance! My god, man, you might as well be making reality TV! Good day, sir! I said, good day!"
Mike and Emma strode off the stage in high strop.
"I was only," Mojo started and then frowned. "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! GUARDS! GUARDS! Oh, never mind. Reality TV, eh?"
---
"This is our mansion," said Mike. "See? Made of bricks and everything."
"True," said Emma. "Although I can't help noticing it's a bombed out ruin."
"The mansion gets blown up all the time," Mike complained. "I don't see how you can go around saying we're in the wrong dimension just because the mansion has been blown up!"
He poked the door. Alarms went off. Spotlights came down. Men with guns appeared.
"Someone's at the shrine!" The chant got taken up by them all. "Someone's at the shrine! Someone's at the shrine!"
"Ohhhh," sang the leader,
"They could be mutants,
some evil mutants!"
Emma glared.
"Which is ridiculous,
'cause mutants
they were persecuted
Meta good and love the genes
and mutant power and
I'll be over here."
"I don't know what's going on here," she started.
"I've got a theory," Mike cut in. Emma slapped a hand across his mouth.
"If you attempt that foul caterwauling you call singing," Emma said nicely, "I will rip out your lungs."
"...mmf?" Mike said against her hand.
"Both at once!"
"Mmf!" She took her hand away. "Can I rap?"
"No!"
"Aww!" He pouted.
"Now, take us home. The right one!"
"Don't worry," Mike said. "Third time's the charm."
"Third time's the charm!" sang the crowd. "Third time is the charm! Ohh, it's the charm! The CHAAAARMMMM!!"
---
"I don't want to question your expertise," Emma said, "but are you absolutely sure we're in the right dimension now?"
"Absolutely," said Mike.
The Beast bounced past, waving a neon pink hand at them, Ice-Girl slung over his shoulder.
"...eh, close enough. More shrimp?"