Now...
Half a year later...
I have updates on all of these guys.
I told my EX to not contact me on facebook anymore. I sent him a huge letter about how seeing him reminds me of the pain he put me through. He didn't reply. I scared him off. That was a while ago. Now, months after the letter, he has just added me on linkedin. As if he's trying all the technolocal methods to reach me until maybe one works.
Lucas's best friend. I went on a few dates with him. He practically pulled my clothes off at the end and I got scared. Because I didn't want to and I didn't know how to say no. But I said no. But now I'm scared that next time I won't be able to say no. I don't _feel_ anything with him. It's cold. There is nothing. He's attractive, I see that. But there is nothing else. I told him I was angry. That I thought he would understand I don't want something superficial but he treats me like a piece of meat. He said, I don't want just sex. But I ignored him. He didn't contact me. Until I wished him new year. And now he wants to meet up again. I said I would, but I haven't told him when. I don't want to.
Charlie.
He has been chasing me for like a year. I always say I'm busy. I saw him by accident at boardies and bikinis festival. He was magic as always. Those eyes. That smile. He took his shirt off and I was sold. Again. He tried to create a private moment for us. He caressed my hands. We sat at the top of the hill looking out over ruapuke beach. He put his arm around me. I hadn't been close to a guy in a while. It felt like heaven. Even if it was Charlie. Even if he doesn't love me. I guess.
I texted him yesterday, that I felt like coming down and if we could hang out. He said, definitely. He seemed real keen. He invited me to stay over. I immediately said yes and knew it was going to happen. Again. I had told him off earlier for not taking me out on a proper date, so this time, he was smart and he got a movie, and wine. It was the best effort he'd made ever since I had met him. It was bliss, I had felt so lonely and there he was cuddled up to me and he was caressing me and started kissing me in the middle of the movie HE MADE ME FEEL ALIVE
I wanted him. He pushed me against the wall like in the movies. We were together. I didn't remember what it was like. The last time I had sober sex was a year before that. It hurt, it had been that long. I looked into his eyes as I moved on top of him. We layed down and he kept putting his arms around me. No matter what position he put himself in or where I was, he always had to have an arm around me. I couldn't sleep, he moved every hour. But I was intensely happy with that arm around me.
And now those arms are gone and I am back in my room.
I feel like I gained and lost a love all in one weekend.
I thought he wanted me to leave in the morning. Then he said we should do breakfast. I didn't know if he meant it. But I think he would have made up some excuse if he didn't want to. So I bought him breakfast. Cause I know he doesn't have a lot of money. He did offer to go halves. I can't believe how nice he was. Seeing as last time he made me pay for breakfast, get it, and do the dishes afterwards. He even asked me to come to the protest of the locals. You know, he usually seems to avoid being seen with me in public. But I gave him the chance to get rid of me, I said, so you're gonna go to that protest now? He said yeah, come along. I said, I can come? He joked, no invites only! And I confronted him, you seem to not want to be seen with me when there are a lot of people around. He said, nah, I'm easy. I'm okay with it. He didn't say, where on earth do you get that idea from? I'm proud to be seen with you? But ok.
He didn't introduce me to any of the locals. But yeah. At least he asked me with. I had felt marvellous that entire time with him. Until it was time to say goodbye. "Yeah so, catch up another time. You're pretty busy at the moment huh, yeah I'm gonna be real busy too. But will see you before I leave the country in June. In April I will go up north for a bit."
He didn't give me the chance to interrupt to say I'm busy during the week but I can make time in weekends. He just talked about all this being busy and being away, before I could ask about meeting up again. I wasn't even going to ask. He just stopped me from it anyway.
A long-winded "no, I don't want to see you again anytime soon." "don't get attached to me."
I texted him just a few hours ago, when I got back, to thank him cause he had been especially nice this time. I said "Thank you for the movie and great times. I loved it sexy! Good luck with the presentation, I bet you can pretty much convince anyone of anything!".
No reply. I knew that. He wants distance now. He got what he wanted. Now he wants most of all that I don't get attached.
But that's hard. You know he tried so hard that it even seemed like he wanted me to fall completely in love. After we had sex he played the guitar for me and he sang. He SANG for me. I gave him a massage. And he said something that when i heard it seemed so bizarre that I think I must have misunderstood. He said it real quick and real soft: "that was so nice. i love you babe."
I'm pretty sure thats what he said. yet I'm pretty sure he couldn't have possibly said that.
Because he doesn't love me.
Because he wants me to leave him alone now.
I have been crying the whole evening.
All I can tell myself to make myself feel better is:
he's just scared.
i don't know why he's so distant.
i have always ever been nice to him. even if he's a jerk. i still believe essentially he's a good guy. i believe in him. and he just leaves me and wont let me come closer. one night and then i have to be out of his life.
i think he's great. im sure a lot of people think he's shit. i know for a fact actually. i try to be patient. i try to show him, some people do show loyalty. some people do believe in you.
some girls really are worth it. the fear, perhaps.
but he doesn't want to hear it i think.