this is something in need of being talked about... (long entry, but it's me, so what do you expect?)
Preface: if your the one person who is mentioned in this story, and am stumbling across this entry, and don't want to feel like shit, i honestly want you to skip it. It's me, documenting the past month or so, and i should probably make this a "friends-only" entry, but like usually, want to leave this up just in case there is anyone else out there who cares to read about my life...
heh. for the first time in a while, i was happy. i really was. with everything going on in my life.
it all started when i threw a crumpled up note at a girl, something in which i pride myself in still doing, really. but unlike all the other times when i would do something like that, i had:
"i think your septum piercing is cute
and not just because i have one, too :] "
written on it. and when this would usually just lead to the girl saying hi, or establishing a friendship, something else happened this time. She added me on Facebook that night, and i sent her a message the next day, just wanting to talk. And so we did, over the next week or so. We also ended up hanging out at Espresso a few times, and i met her friend, and she was pretty cool, too. The first time we hung out, i spent a lot of time talking, just about anything, and made them laugh a lot
And then Halloween weekend, when it seemed that everything was going wrong with my life, with the rain, and my costume fucking up, and me with one party to show up at, things started to shift. I invited her up to the party, and although she was back at the dorms, she accepted, and showed up there with me. It was getting late, and with the party winding down, i decided to walk her home. At the end of the block, i turned, and asked her what she wanted to do. She didn't know, so we stood there talking for a couple minutes. And then i decided to go out on a limb and kiss her.At that point, one of the things i have ALWAYS wanted to do was accomplished... i kissed a girl in the rain. It was pouring, and there we were, on the corner of some street, under her umbrella, kissing. That will be something i will never forget, because everything seemed to fall into place right there. It would be later that night that i lost that v-card of mine, and that may have been a mistake. At 20 years old, i had always wanted to wait on this, until i knew the time was right.. but it felt like it was at the time. There was the absence of the "love" that i wanted, but i was okay with that...
Over the next couple of weeks, things just kept getting better. We were able to start sharing things with each other, and we started to figure each other out, little by little. The next weekend the same thing happened, and the weekend after that, with the hanging out, then having whatever you would call "fun / love expression" on the weekends. Throughout these weeks, there was just one thing that was getting at me... how some of her stories focused on her ex-boyfriends, and one in particular, who continued to try talking to her through Facebook several times. All that will be put aside for now...
The weekend before Thanksgiving, i was drunk on a Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and i decided to make it official, via FB. It was the first time something like this ever happened with me, which brought a touch of accomplishment and pride for me, and even though i tried to quickly get rid of that damn Mini-Feed, there were still four people that day asking about it. And that was fine for me, because i could actually refer to someone as my "girlfriend" for the first time (although i don't think i did during that too much.. it sounded too weird). Things were going pretty well.
Thanksgiving came, and i went home, but still talked to her a lot, pretty much everyday, and the Friday after TG, i actually traveled to a party in Milford. Seeing as how that's where she lives, i mentioned that to her, and we met up that night and hung out the whole night at the party. Another thing i won't be forgetting was that night, when we were both in the bathroom, and she finally began opening up about all the things she was feeling inside. It was one more step from where we were to getting closer.
And then.. like the way a lot of these entries head to, something big happened. She was at a show WITH one of her ex-boyfriends, and i didn’t have a chance to talk to her that night, really. There is not much to be said for that night, because at that point, i thought everything was just fine, because of the night before, especially.
When we both got back to school after the break, i sort of began picking up that something was wrong, because she seemed to begin distancing herself from me, and i really didn’t know why at this point. Everything changed Monday night, though, when i went to go add her on Livejournal, in order to see if anything was going on… and that’s when i stumbled upon her latest entry. This entry contained what happened with her that Saturday night, and after the show the ex and her ended up going back to a house, and talked the entire night… and she had regained feelings for him, i guess more than the ones she was feeling for me, and now didn’t know what to do.
And that brings us to Tuesday, and me traveling to her room, dropping off one of those cutesy notes that i pride myself for, a cookie, and a smile. Once again i noticed the distancing, and just before i left i told her about the Lj, which was met by her with an “oh, shit..”. And at that note, i left for class.
Tuesday night, i had made up my mind, and set up a pretty nice way of how things were going to end. I would go over to her room, and if things didn’t feel as how they should to her, then so be it. Traveling there, i did my best to brace myself on the walk over, and started talking outside. Eventually it was moved inside, to a study lounge where, not surprisingly, that old friend of mine Aerial also was (meaningful to point out, maybe?). Over the next hour and a half, we talked, about everything that needed to be talked about. The moment still replays in my mind as i tearfully (as if there is any way with me) looked up at her, adjusted her septum ring, and asked if that was going to be the last time i was going to be doing that. No reply. I think the seeing me tearing up had the same effect on her, and then vice-versa. So in the next few minutes, i pretty much learned that she had already made up her mind, that something about that night had changed her thoughts completely, and that the time i had that night was quickly running out.
So i sat there for a minute, in silence, and took it all in, enjoyed the moment for what it was, and decided it was time…
“Things with us are over, aren’t they?”
(no reply, but i noticed a very faint nod)
“..you can tell me if they are. You were nodding a little… does that mean yes?”
(i could see the tears in her eyes building, signaling something to me)
“… you can finish that nod, em, i know that this is ending.”
More crying, from her and i. Eventually i walked her back to her room, and with a few hugs and a few last kisses, and that was it.
Specifically, i didn’t know what she felt that night, but i could tell that she hated doing it. There have been lots of apologies to me, but at this point, i don’t want her doing it anymore, i’m going to be okay with it.
Now, being how i am, of COURSE the entire walk back home was filled with my crying, and getting it all out. Soon enough, my tears were put on hold, when i was walking past the woods before crossing a bridge, and turned to see a deer standing quietly there, staring at me. I turned back to face it, and leaned on the railing that separated it from me, and watched it for a while. Behind it, two baby deer were also standing, and i think at this point, i needed a reminder such as this, although it has always been apparent to me.
Life goes on. As fucked up as things get in life, life still continues.
Like i said, i am aware of this thought, and have been, but something about that situation that night, just brought me back to where i needed to be. I was okay the rest of the walk home…
I’m never going to be sure if there was something i did that led to things happening like this, but always knew that something like this was just around the corner for me. One chance happening, and now i’m back to where i was, before all this.
I always had said that this was one relationship scenario that i would be okay with when it ended, but didn’t know that it would end less than a week after i spoke those words for the last time. But it’s how things go, right?
One relationship down, and i’m back to being me. Soon, at least. Typing these entries out is one of the things i do lastly when i finally get over events like this. It helps a bunch, to be able to stop thinking about things i wanted to remember, and be able to type it out, and get over it.
Years pass, and guess what? I’m still pretty much an emo bitch sometimes, haha. But things are changing for me, don’t you forget it.
-ian
xx
heh. for the first time in a while, i was happy. i really was. with everything going on in my life.
it all started when i threw a crumpled up note at a girl, something in which i pride myself in still doing, really. but unlike all the other times when i would do something like that, i had:
"i think your septum piercing is cute
and not just because i have one, too :] "
written on it. and when this would usually just lead to the girl saying hi, or establishing a friendship, something else happened this time. She added me on Facebook that night, and i sent her a message the next day, just wanting to talk. And so we did, over the next week or so. We also ended up hanging out at Espresso a few times, and i met her friend, and she was pretty cool, too. The first time we hung out, i spent a lot of time talking, just about anything, and made them laugh a lot
And then Halloween weekend, when it seemed that everything was going wrong with my life, with the rain, and my costume fucking up, and me with one party to show up at, things started to shift. I invited her up to the party, and although she was back at the dorms, she accepted, and showed up there with me. It was getting late, and with the party winding down, i decided to walk her home. At the end of the block, i turned, and asked her what she wanted to do. She didn't know, so we stood there talking for a couple minutes. And then i decided to go out on a limb and kiss her.At that point, one of the things i have ALWAYS wanted to do was accomplished... i kissed a girl in the rain. It was pouring, and there we were, on the corner of some street, under her umbrella, kissing. That will be something i will never forget, because everything seemed to fall into place right there. It would be later that night that i lost that v-card of mine, and that may have been a mistake. At 20 years old, i had always wanted to wait on this, until i knew the time was right.. but it felt like it was at the time. There was the absence of the "love" that i wanted, but i was okay with that...
Over the next couple of weeks, things just kept getting better. We were able to start sharing things with each other, and we started to figure each other out, little by little. The next weekend the same thing happened, and the weekend after that, with the hanging out, then having whatever you would call "fun / love expression" on the weekends. Throughout these weeks, there was just one thing that was getting at me... how some of her stories focused on her ex-boyfriends, and one in particular, who continued to try talking to her through Facebook several times. All that will be put aside for now...
The weekend before Thanksgiving, i was drunk on a Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and i decided to make it official, via FB. It was the first time something like this ever happened with me, which brought a touch of accomplishment and pride for me, and even though i tried to quickly get rid of that damn Mini-Feed, there were still four people that day asking about it. And that was fine for me, because i could actually refer to someone as my "girlfriend" for the first time (although i don't think i did during that too much.. it sounded too weird). Things were going pretty well.
Thanksgiving came, and i went home, but still talked to her a lot, pretty much everyday, and the Friday after TG, i actually traveled to a party in Milford. Seeing as how that's where she lives, i mentioned that to her, and we met up that night and hung out the whole night at the party. Another thing i won't be forgetting was that night, when we were both in the bathroom, and she finally began opening up about all the things she was feeling inside. It was one more step from where we were to getting closer.
And then.. like the way a lot of these entries head to, something big happened. She was at a show WITH one of her ex-boyfriends, and i didn’t have a chance to talk to her that night, really. There is not much to be said for that night, because at that point, i thought everything was just fine, because of the night before, especially.
When we both got back to school after the break, i sort of began picking up that something was wrong, because she seemed to begin distancing herself from me, and i really didn’t know why at this point. Everything changed Monday night, though, when i went to go add her on Livejournal, in order to see if anything was going on… and that’s when i stumbled upon her latest entry. This entry contained what happened with her that Saturday night, and after the show the ex and her ended up going back to a house, and talked the entire night… and she had regained feelings for him, i guess more than the ones she was feeling for me, and now didn’t know what to do.
And that brings us to Tuesday, and me traveling to her room, dropping off one of those cutesy notes that i pride myself for, a cookie, and a smile. Once again i noticed the distancing, and just before i left i told her about the Lj, which was met by her with an “oh, shit..”. And at that note, i left for class.
Tuesday night, i had made up my mind, and set up a pretty nice way of how things were going to end. I would go over to her room, and if things didn’t feel as how they should to her, then so be it. Traveling there, i did my best to brace myself on the walk over, and started talking outside. Eventually it was moved inside, to a study lounge where, not surprisingly, that old friend of mine Aerial also was (meaningful to point out, maybe?). Over the next hour and a half, we talked, about everything that needed to be talked about. The moment still replays in my mind as i tearfully (as if there is any way with me) looked up at her, adjusted her septum ring, and asked if that was going to be the last time i was going to be doing that. No reply. I think the seeing me tearing up had the same effect on her, and then vice-versa. So in the next few minutes, i pretty much learned that she had already made up her mind, that something about that night had changed her thoughts completely, and that the time i had that night was quickly running out.
So i sat there for a minute, in silence, and took it all in, enjoyed the moment for what it was, and decided it was time…
“Things with us are over, aren’t they?”
(no reply, but i noticed a very faint nod)
“..you can tell me if they are. You were nodding a little… does that mean yes?”
(i could see the tears in her eyes building, signaling something to me)
“… you can finish that nod, em, i know that this is ending.”
More crying, from her and i. Eventually i walked her back to her room, and with a few hugs and a few last kisses, and that was it.
Specifically, i didn’t know what she felt that night, but i could tell that she hated doing it. There have been lots of apologies to me, but at this point, i don’t want her doing it anymore, i’m going to be okay with it.
Now, being how i am, of COURSE the entire walk back home was filled with my crying, and getting it all out. Soon enough, my tears were put on hold, when i was walking past the woods before crossing a bridge, and turned to see a deer standing quietly there, staring at me. I turned back to face it, and leaned on the railing that separated it from me, and watched it for a while. Behind it, two baby deer were also standing, and i think at this point, i needed a reminder such as this, although it has always been apparent to me.
Life goes on. As fucked up as things get in life, life still continues.
Like i said, i am aware of this thought, and have been, but something about that situation that night, just brought me back to where i needed to be. I was okay the rest of the walk home…
I’m never going to be sure if there was something i did that led to things happening like this, but always knew that something like this was just around the corner for me. One chance happening, and now i’m back to where i was, before all this.
I always had said that this was one relationship scenario that i would be okay with when it ended, but didn’t know that it would end less than a week after i spoke those words for the last time. But it’s how things go, right?
One relationship down, and i’m back to being me. Soon, at least. Typing these entries out is one of the things i do lastly when i finally get over events like this. It helps a bunch, to be able to stop thinking about things i wanted to remember, and be able to type it out, and get over it.
Years pass, and guess what? I’m still pretty much an emo bitch sometimes, haha. But things are changing for me, don’t you forget it.
-ian
xx