i miss my baby

[shaliken]

you know...i suddenly realized why i hate doing dishes...or at least part of why...i miss my puppy....i used to have a little mutt...she loved me and paul...people in general were nice , but we were her favorites. and when ever i did dishes she'd always have to curl up on, or around my feet. back then it was annoying and i would have her lay with her back against my heels if i could....but now as i was finishing dishes, watching the dogs lay down in their respective places, i realized how much i missed that. i miss struggling to get her to lay down in a way that didnt strain my legs or anything. i miss her warm prensence against my legs. how in the cold months i'd let her lay on my feet to keep them warm. how i was always looking where i put my feet cause i didnt want to step opn my sleepy pup. the times when i was finished and i'd sit on the floor just so she could climb into my lap for a few hours to snooze while i read a bit; just like she did when she was a tiny little pup. she was my baby...what i wouldnt give to have her back...i miss her so much. the day i had to bring her to the shelter was one of the worse days of my life. she was so scared and when the lady came to take her away i was in tears. here i was, watching my baby being led away to an unknown place where she would have to stay until someone took pity on her. she would be apart from me for the first time since she was 2 months old. she was so scared, i just wanted to snatch her up and take her far away from there. at that moment i didnt care what my parents had said. the only thing i cared about was the fact that i knew i couldnt care for her the way she deserved. and while she probably wouldnt have cared as long as she could've stayed with me, i thought i was best for her. i hate myself for it...i still love her, and i always will....i just wish i could see her one more time. to give her a hug and tell her i'm sorry, and that i love her...and i'll keep loving her no matter what. maybe i'll see her again someday...my only constilation is that 4 days after we dropped her off, i had a dream. i was standing off to the side watching a boy and a girl about 10 years old, playing with a very happy lady...the yard was decent sized and fenced in...she was so happy....i woke up and cried...paul told me later that he had gone to the shelter later that same week, before my dream....he was going to get her back for me...but he was too late. she had been adopted a few days before. i wish he had been in time...i dont know if i want another dog....she still has a part of me and i dont know if i could devote myself to another puppy, but at the same time...i want to try...i want to try so bad. maybe another mutt like lady...or maybe a corgi like paul's nina....the one that got killed by the coyotes....i dont know. i feel so lost when i try to think of what to do now that shes not here anymore...there are still days where i just sit and cry.. i cry till i cant breathe and my eyes are too swollen to open all the way. till paul pulls me into his arms and tells me it'll be ok....oh, God in heaven...i miss my baby...all i really want is to see her...one more time. i miss her.

i miss her....

shaliken