Getting some stress out, need to vent I suppose.
I know I dont post much in here, I just usualy dont have anything to say. But the, oh prolly close to last half year as been "okay" for me at best, stressful and lonely at worst.
I aint posting this to get pat on the back, or a "oh i am sorry hon". I just need to get it out and it only really feels better if other ppl know it other then myself, that wierd? mmm
Last big post I think I posted about the girl called Mandi. They whole crap there. This is pretty much a pick up from where that ended. My never ending bad luck with the female gender.
Lets see, sometime after Mandi, handful of weeks, I meet someone via myspace. I wont list off names here but she and I chatted for awhile and things were going along fairly well, met a few times, from what I could tell things were going slowly towards something ya know? Well, that next weekend she went down south to visit her mom. She came back up that monday with a boyfriend, yeah appearly she hooked up with one of her brothers friends. Appearly she was not feeling me, like at all,(i dont know what i was thinking....) of course that thing kinda died. We still talked off and on for a bit, later she ended up joining the army. Far as i know she is out there now training. It was a small thing but it was a blow to my confidence. Didn't need that.
Later, i found yet another one via myspace (yeah i know, i know) This girl was i admit gorgeous, we chatted for a while, (not as long as the first one) there was some decent chemistry i felt. We had some very intresting phone calls, never met in person though. I was actualy going to ask if she wanted to, when she kinda just dropped off the face of the map, she was not on chat, did not respond to emails, or myspace even phone. She was avoiding me it seems and i honestly didn't know why. Close to a month later she msged me randomly and i got out of her that she meet someone at a bar and hooked up with them. She could of ya know, told me. Eh w/e, she is young. 21 I believe, still hurt, another blow to the already hurting confidence. Dont know how much more i can take before i am a puddle on the floor here ppl.
Meet the next one on yahoo personnals, there was not a huge connection at first but chated for awhile and we got a decent friendship going, she seemed really into me at first but half way through it seemed to die out. I dont know what happened, i didn't really get into her that much so it was not that big, but reguardless it felt like some type of rejection that i dont know what i did. So even though it didn't hurt much, didn't help either
Again through myspace i meet this most recent one, got talking to her, really really into her, we got along great, things seem to be going awesome. cause of work and distance (she lives in lewstion) we could not really see each other. Well last night she got off work early and came up. We got along pretty well, not quite as well as online but that is normal and not unexpected. She loves to go dancing so I took her out to the local dance club Barnabys. Now, for anyone that knows me at all, this i kinda my hell. Wall to wall ppl, loud annoying music and i am well not a dancer, i felt very awkward. But i did it anyway cause i wanted to make a good impression and it did seem she was having a good time. Good right? Not for long.
She ran into a ex of her there (she is one of those ppl that knows everyone in the club/bar scene) well, she went to "talk" to him while i was left standing over in the corner waiting for her to be done. 45 mins later they finish, but during the whole time she was just shy of being all over him, even kissed him. She was like a school girl with a crush, had the big doe eyes, the whole deal. I felt like a ass. We were getting along well but nothing compared to what she was doing with her ex. *sigh* yeah.
Well when she did stop talking she found me and decided we should leave, she told me she was just talking to get closure and that there is nothing going on there anymore. Ok, i am thinking bullshit but she is drunk and i am tired and just want to get out of there. We are getting in my car to leave when the ex is leaving at the same time, he yells to her to come to the club Fusion with him and that she can "crash" at his house. She thinks about it for a second, and then goes... i am umm huh? She does ask me if it is alright if she could. What am i suppose to say? no? this is the first time we meet and i that isn't my place to say what she can and can not do. I said if you really want to, and she said "thanks" and bailed. I was left in a dark car, 1am in a parking lot thinking what the fuck just happened.
Was i so fucking lame that i could bailed on like that? fucking A. So i drove home alone, feeling like used, lied to and just like shit in general. I didn't get much sleep that night.
Next day,(today) she contacted me, she left her phone charger here and of course her car was parked here. We sat in her car and talked, appearly she had little to no memory of the events that happened, i dont know if i believe her but whatever. I got some closure, she said she didn't mean to bail on me, felt really really bad and was sorry, and that she was still kinda in the getting over him phase. She swore up and down she crashed on his couch, i want to believe her but i really dont know, she has be lieing to me before so i dont know what to think. Does not really matter at this point anyway.
She was really realy hung over, so be being a nice guy let her shower in my place then took her out for pizza to get some stuff in her stomach. She was really out of it and i didn't want her doing the 2 hour drive home without feeling at least a little better.
It was nice little lunch, we talked, she was getting txted up and down by 5 different ppl, could not go 10 secs without her in a txt or replying to one. (Ironicly one of the 5 ppl was the ex she was with last night, made me feel super! ugh) It was handful of small talk but it basicly boiled down to she was not ready to be with anyone right now. I didn't expect to hook up with her anytime soon but i was hoping there might of been a chance down the road but i was basicly told no, she just wants to be the friends deal. *sigh* I do believe she should not be with anyone right now considering she is not over her ex but at the time i think she was just not into me that way once she meet me. Maybe she didn't like the way i looked in person, maybe she didn't like the way i acted, I really dont know. I am guessing I just didn't meet her type or something. Nothing i can really do about that. I tried i really did, more then I usualy do, she was not interested in the end. *shrug*
It was not what i wanted but i did get some closure from it, it is better then nothing i supppose. I dont know what to do with it but i guess just live with it and move on. Can't do anything else.
I am seriously thinking i am cursed or i am doing something that i am unaware of that fucks up things. I only wish i knew what it was so could change or fix it, ya know? *sigh* I dont know what i am going to do, alone again, really tired of it. No idea when i am going to even meet someone again let alone connect with them, and even then i dont know if i have the stamina to go through this whole thing again. I am just really tired of being alone. It fucking sucks. But i guess it is what it is suppose to be right now, so yeah.
Thats it. I'm done.
I aint posting this to get pat on the back, or a "oh i am sorry hon". I just need to get it out and it only really feels better if other ppl know it other then myself, that wierd? mmm
Last big post I think I posted about the girl called Mandi. They whole crap there. This is pretty much a pick up from where that ended. My never ending bad luck with the female gender.
Lets see, sometime after Mandi, handful of weeks, I meet someone via myspace. I wont list off names here but she and I chatted for awhile and things were going along fairly well, met a few times, from what I could tell things were going slowly towards something ya know? Well, that next weekend she went down south to visit her mom. She came back up that monday with a boyfriend, yeah appearly she hooked up with one of her brothers friends. Appearly she was not feeling me, like at all,(i dont know what i was thinking....) of course that thing kinda died. We still talked off and on for a bit, later she ended up joining the army. Far as i know she is out there now training. It was a small thing but it was a blow to my confidence. Didn't need that.
Later, i found yet another one via myspace (yeah i know, i know) This girl was i admit gorgeous, we chatted for a while, (not as long as the first one) there was some decent chemistry i felt. We had some very intresting phone calls, never met in person though. I was actualy going to ask if she wanted to, when she kinda just dropped off the face of the map, she was not on chat, did not respond to emails, or myspace even phone. She was avoiding me it seems and i honestly didn't know why. Close to a month later she msged me randomly and i got out of her that she meet someone at a bar and hooked up with them. She could of ya know, told me. Eh w/e, she is young. 21 I believe, still hurt, another blow to the already hurting confidence. Dont know how much more i can take before i am a puddle on the floor here ppl.
Meet the next one on yahoo personnals, there was not a huge connection at first but chated for awhile and we got a decent friendship going, she seemed really into me at first but half way through it seemed to die out. I dont know what happened, i didn't really get into her that much so it was not that big, but reguardless it felt like some type of rejection that i dont know what i did. So even though it didn't hurt much, didn't help either
Again through myspace i meet this most recent one, got talking to her, really really into her, we got along great, things seem to be going awesome. cause of work and distance (she lives in lewstion) we could not really see each other. Well last night she got off work early and came up. We got along pretty well, not quite as well as online but that is normal and not unexpected. She loves to go dancing so I took her out to the local dance club Barnabys. Now, for anyone that knows me at all, this i kinda my hell. Wall to wall ppl, loud annoying music and i am well not a dancer, i felt very awkward. But i did it anyway cause i wanted to make a good impression and it did seem she was having a good time. Good right? Not for long.
She ran into a ex of her there (she is one of those ppl that knows everyone in the club/bar scene) well, she went to "talk" to him while i was left standing over in the corner waiting for her to be done. 45 mins later they finish, but during the whole time she was just shy of being all over him, even kissed him. She was like a school girl with a crush, had the big doe eyes, the whole deal. I felt like a ass. We were getting along well but nothing compared to what she was doing with her ex. *sigh* yeah.
Well when she did stop talking she found me and decided we should leave, she told me she was just talking to get closure and that there is nothing going on there anymore. Ok, i am thinking bullshit but she is drunk and i am tired and just want to get out of there. We are getting in my car to leave when the ex is leaving at the same time, he yells to her to come to the club Fusion with him and that she can "crash" at his house. She thinks about it for a second, and then goes... i am umm huh? She does ask me if it is alright if she could. What am i suppose to say? no? this is the first time we meet and i that isn't my place to say what she can and can not do. I said if you really want to, and she said "thanks" and bailed. I was left in a dark car, 1am in a parking lot thinking what the fuck just happened.
Was i so fucking lame that i could bailed on like that? fucking A. So i drove home alone, feeling like used, lied to and just like shit in general. I didn't get much sleep that night.
Next day,(today) she contacted me, she left her phone charger here and of course her car was parked here. We sat in her car and talked, appearly she had little to no memory of the events that happened, i dont know if i believe her but whatever. I got some closure, she said she didn't mean to bail on me, felt really really bad and was sorry, and that she was still kinda in the getting over him phase. She swore up and down she crashed on his couch, i want to believe her but i really dont know, she has be lieing to me before so i dont know what to think. Does not really matter at this point anyway.
She was really realy hung over, so be being a nice guy let her shower in my place then took her out for pizza to get some stuff in her stomach. She was really out of it and i didn't want her doing the 2 hour drive home without feeling at least a little better.
It was nice little lunch, we talked, she was getting txted up and down by 5 different ppl, could not go 10 secs without her in a txt or replying to one. (Ironicly one of the 5 ppl was the ex she was with last night, made me feel super! ugh) It was handful of small talk but it basicly boiled down to she was not ready to be with anyone right now. I didn't expect to hook up with her anytime soon but i was hoping there might of been a chance down the road but i was basicly told no, she just wants to be the friends deal. *sigh* I do believe she should not be with anyone right now considering she is not over her ex but at the time i think she was just not into me that way once she meet me. Maybe she didn't like the way i looked in person, maybe she didn't like the way i acted, I really dont know. I am guessing I just didn't meet her type or something. Nothing i can really do about that. I tried i really did, more then I usualy do, she was not interested in the end. *shrug*
It was not what i wanted but i did get some closure from it, it is better then nothing i supppose. I dont know what to do with it but i guess just live with it and move on. Can't do anything else.
I am seriously thinking i am cursed or i am doing something that i am unaware of that fucks up things. I only wish i knew what it was so could change or fix it, ya know? *sigh* I dont know what i am going to do, alone again, really tired of it. No idea when i am going to even meet someone again let alone connect with them, and even then i dont know if i have the stamina to go through this whole thing again. I am just really tired of being alone. It fucking sucks. But i guess it is what it is suppose to be right now, so yeah.
Thats it. I'm done.