Very Interesting...
I'm sitting here in my two dorm room apartment, listening to Neon Bible on my record player and looking at how old and out-of-date my LJ has gotten.
Time to dust the ol' girl off and update my life a little bit.
I'm at the Academy. It is not as I imagined it would be (I have more free time than I've ever had in my life and a brain cloud. I can't seem to figure out how to make myself do anything and I don't know what I'd do if I could... All my dreams and passions seem so distant right now. Am I really this lazy?! How did I get so lost?).
It's not all bad, and I heard I was "the Cool Counselor." I just need to find ways/time to be with my girls. They're so old and independent, I feel like they don't need me to interact with them, but I need them to interact with me! And I feel so self-conscious it's all but crippling my ability to do my job. Interestingly enough, this is not how it appears to the outside world. At least there's that...
Oh, and I've been dating Noe since about May 12th or so. He's absolutely the most thoughtful person I could imagine and I love him for it. It's hard sometimes because he's not very outgoing and he's very simple and very shy. Still he's unbelievably good to me. Sometimes I feel trapped, because he mentions quite often that I'm all he has. I don't like being dependent on him and I don't want to allow him to depend on me, but here we are for the time being. I love him, and much of the time it bothers me. And he's in Chicago. And I'm here missing the shameless flirting and the heartbreak that used to be my life. Even my dreams feel like I'm cheating if they don't include him. And as much as I sometimes resent him for needing me, I need him too.
Camp this summer was also difficult. I connected with the kids more than last year, but I became separated from Emily (Liz, for her part, has remained a supportive resource for me). I miss Emily and it is still a sore spot. In general, I'm displeased with the way I've become since the end of last year (or maybe it's been happening for a longer time, or maybe it's Noe's influence). I'm more introverted and less confident, harder to get along with and less supportive of people who mean something to me. I want to take a step back and get it together, but I feel, again, like I'm lost in a fog (or shall we say a CLOUD). Physical pain time, like before with the Breakbone workshop? Who knows.
I'll tell you what I AM going to do. I'm going to go to bed so I can get up at 7:15 and go to breakfast at Stone. There, I'll try to connect to my two girls who need updates. Then, I'm going to work out good and hard. I'm going to shower, start my laundry, and then call Kellie's mother to tell her that Kellie seems to be coping since her dad is moving out. After that, I have to work for an hour before lunch. After lunch, I'm going to go to the Vault and learn about my kids. Maybe I'll take a walk before dinner and working the desk from 6-9. I'm supposed to have the night out, but instead I think I'll spend some time here, trying to get to know the girls and talking over ideas with my Hall Assistants. Maybe tomorrow, even, I'll go on the Pet Rock Walk that I've been wanting to try. I need to come up with a sign-up sheet or something for that...
And I'm going to ask Liz if she'll give me voice lessons. And I'm going to find a day of the week that I could teach a beginner Ballet class. Because I got a degree in Dance, and I did Ballet for19 years, and I should stop feeling so inadequate about it.
Time to dust the ol' girl off and update my life a little bit.
I'm at the Academy. It is not as I imagined it would be (I have more free time than I've ever had in my life and a brain cloud. I can't seem to figure out how to make myself do anything and I don't know what I'd do if I could... All my dreams and passions seem so distant right now. Am I really this lazy?! How did I get so lost?).
It's not all bad, and I heard I was "the Cool Counselor." I just need to find ways/time to be with my girls. They're so old and independent, I feel like they don't need me to interact with them, but I need them to interact with me! And I feel so self-conscious it's all but crippling my ability to do my job. Interestingly enough, this is not how it appears to the outside world. At least there's that...
Oh, and I've been dating Noe since about May 12th or so. He's absolutely the most thoughtful person I could imagine and I love him for it. It's hard sometimes because he's not very outgoing and he's very simple and very shy. Still he's unbelievably good to me. Sometimes I feel trapped, because he mentions quite often that I'm all he has. I don't like being dependent on him and I don't want to allow him to depend on me, but here we are for the time being. I love him, and much of the time it bothers me. And he's in Chicago. And I'm here missing the shameless flirting and the heartbreak that used to be my life. Even my dreams feel like I'm cheating if they don't include him. And as much as I sometimes resent him for needing me, I need him too.
Camp this summer was also difficult. I connected with the kids more than last year, but I became separated from Emily (Liz, for her part, has remained a supportive resource for me). I miss Emily and it is still a sore spot. In general, I'm displeased with the way I've become since the end of last year (or maybe it's been happening for a longer time, or maybe it's Noe's influence). I'm more introverted and less confident, harder to get along with and less supportive of people who mean something to me. I want to take a step back and get it together, but I feel, again, like I'm lost in a fog (or shall we say a CLOUD). Physical pain time, like before with the Breakbone workshop? Who knows.
I'll tell you what I AM going to do. I'm going to go to bed so I can get up at 7:15 and go to breakfast at Stone. There, I'll try to connect to my two girls who need updates. Then, I'm going to work out good and hard. I'm going to shower, start my laundry, and then call Kellie's mother to tell her that Kellie seems to be coping since her dad is moving out. After that, I have to work for an hour before lunch. After lunch, I'm going to go to the Vault and learn about my kids. Maybe I'll take a walk before dinner and working the desk from 6-9. I'm supposed to have the night out, but instead I think I'll spend some time here, trying to get to know the girls and talking over ideas with my Hall Assistants. Maybe tomorrow, even, I'll go on the Pet Rock Walk that I've been wanting to try. I need to come up with a sign-up sheet or something for that...
And I'm going to ask Liz if she'll give me voice lessons. And I'm going to find a day of the week that I could teach a beginner Ballet class. Because I got a degree in Dance, and I did Ballet for19 years, and I should stop feeling so inadequate about it.