(no subject)
Another aching evening, another night where tears slip sideways down cheeks to meet salty at the lip. With each passing moment I feel more and more lonely. I promised myself, I swear I promised myself that this would be the year that I could belong somewhere... and I've been tricking myself since I lost that in December into thinking it isn't what I need. I need someone to make out with, I think, not to love. I need a boy from out of town to hook up with and feel better about myself. Only I don't. I feel worse.
I need arms around me more than anything, I need to feel like it's okay to cry again, I need something to wake up in the morning for... I need a muse and a family, a date and a spoon. Butterflies and cats, if you will. But i won't find that. And I can accpet that, because I'm hung up on something that has been gone for months, something I know isn't coming back... and that something isn't a lover,or a relationship, or a boyfriend. That something is a friendship. I lost a boy and with him gave away my friendship because I was too proud to put my tears aside and invest in a box of kleenex. And to him I'm sorry. I'm sorry to me though, because I will never have that chance again, and I will never stop blaming myself for messing it up.
I can accept all this. What I can't accept is how it's 25 to 1 in the morning... and how I'm crampy and miserable, and how all I want right now is for my phone to ring, It is this codepandance that i've inherited lately that I can't deal with... and though I'll be damned before admitting that this is a real journal... (in a real journal pages are speared with lipstick and tears...) maybe I need that; to do something for me for once. I don't want to be jealous every time a friend talks about a guy they're with. I don't want new couples to make me sick, I dont' want to think that aloneness has this much of an efect on me. Only it does.
And I guess I know that now. That I am insecure and jealous and lonely. And in knowing that, maybe I will one day accept it, and get over it.
So I guess I know that too...
I need arms around me more than anything, I need to feel like it's okay to cry again, I need something to wake up in the morning for... I need a muse and a family, a date and a spoon. Butterflies and cats, if you will. But i won't find that. And I can accpet that, because I'm hung up on something that has been gone for months, something I know isn't coming back... and that something isn't a lover,or a relationship, or a boyfriend. That something is a friendship. I lost a boy and with him gave away my friendship because I was too proud to put my tears aside and invest in a box of kleenex. And to him I'm sorry. I'm sorry to me though, because I will never have that chance again, and I will never stop blaming myself for messing it up.
I can accept all this. What I can't accept is how it's 25 to 1 in the morning... and how I'm crampy and miserable, and how all I want right now is for my phone to ring, It is this codepandance that i've inherited lately that I can't deal with... and though I'll be damned before admitting that this is a real journal... (in a real journal pages are speared with lipstick and tears...) maybe I need that; to do something for me for once. I don't want to be jealous every time a friend talks about a guy they're with. I don't want new couples to make me sick, I dont' want to think that aloneness has this much of an efect on me. Only it does.
And I guess I know that now. That I am insecure and jealous and lonely. And in knowing that, maybe I will one day accept it, and get over it.
So I guess I know that too...