What was I thinking about before?
I think a lot about death. I'm terrified of it. Not just my own death, but anyone I know. Sometimes I cry when I think about peoples' deaths. I try to delete the thoughts of deaths of people that would make me sad and instead direct death thoughts to people that would only make people I know sad. I figure, if I'm going to think about death so much, I might as well devise some more plans for how to console people when people die. I think I did a pretty good job last time, or, as good of a job I could do my first time. Next time will be better. Someone else will die, eventually.
Sometimes, when I'm driving over the Shorewood bridge, I feel sort of...tempted...that's not it, but it's the best word...to just drive to the edge and fall down into the lake. And, sometimes, when I'm filling my car up with gas, again, I'm tempted to turn my car on. My car would blow up if I did that. There's a lot of things that I'm sort of drawn to do that would cause me to die. But I don't want to die. I'm terrified of dying. I don't understand this.
When I'm using a very sharp knife, I extend my arm all the way out because I'm really afraid of cutting myself, or dropping the knife and having it land point down in the middle of my foot. I jump and step away whenever I light the stove and I really really really don't like lighting uncovered things on fire.
It wasn't always this way, it was only since that time I was talking about before (last time). It's not that I was close to the person; I wasn't. It was just the first time someone I know died, and you know, they didn't just die......they did it. I don't know. I think that the way I act about death and the way I think about death are a little bit wrong, and abnormal, but I'm not sure what I should do about that.
You might not understand. That's OK. I understand you not understanding.
Sometimes, when I'm driving over the Shorewood bridge, I feel sort of...tempted...that's not it, but it's the best word...to just drive to the edge and fall down into the lake. And, sometimes, when I'm filling my car up with gas, again, I'm tempted to turn my car on. My car would blow up if I did that. There's a lot of things that I'm sort of drawn to do that would cause me to die. But I don't want to die. I'm terrified of dying. I don't understand this.
When I'm using a very sharp knife, I extend my arm all the way out because I'm really afraid of cutting myself, or dropping the knife and having it land point down in the middle of my foot. I jump and step away whenever I light the stove and I really really really don't like lighting uncovered things on fire.
It wasn't always this way, it was only since that time I was talking about before (last time). It's not that I was close to the person; I wasn't. It was just the first time someone I know died, and you know, they didn't just die......they did it. I don't know. I think that the way I act about death and the way I think about death are a little bit wrong, and abnormal, but I'm not sure what I should do about that.
You might not understand. That's OK. I understand you not understanding.