IF THIS IS TRUE LOVE, WHY CANT ROMANCE SAVE US?
TUESDAY 11.07
VOTECH AND SCHOOL WERE BOTH BORING. WELL I DONNO I HAD FUN IN SCHOOL. BUT FOR ENGLISH WE HAD TO DO AN ESSAY ON THIS BOOK WE READ. ALAS BABYLON. WELL I DIDNT READ IT. BUT I THINK I DID A DAMN GOOD JOB ON THE ESSAY. HA. I HOPE. AFTER SCHOOL I CAME HOME AND SLEPT. IT FELT GOOD. I GOT A GOODNIGHT CALL FROM THIS COOL KID. HA. IT WAS SHOCKING. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW. MADE ME SMILE THOUGH THAT SOMEONE CARED THAT MUCH TO CALL AND SAY GOODNIGHT.
WEDNESDAY 11.08
THE SENIORS IN VOTECH HAD PRACTICE NOCTI TEST SO EVERYONE ELSE HAD TO GO TO THE CAFETORIUM ALL DAY. IT WAS FUN THOUGH.. BUT HOLLIDAYSBURG STUDENTS LEFT AT 9:10 TO GO SIT THROUGH AN ASSEMBLY. I WOULD HAVE RATHERED STAYED AT VOTECH. NO OFFENSE. AFTER THAT WE SAT IN THE CAFETERIA UNTIL IT WAS 5TH PERIOD. THEN WE ATE LUNCH. IT WAS FUN <3. SOMEONE CUTE CAME AND SAT WITH ME. HAHA. AFTER SCHOOL I TRIED TO SLEEP. BUT IT DIDNT WORK. THEN MATT CALLED ME SOMETIME BEFORE 6 AND ASKED TO HANG OUT.. SO I HUNG OUT WITH HIM AND THIS BRIAN KID. WE WENT TO THE MALL AND THEY CAME BACK HERE.. BRIAN LEFT AROUND 9 AND MATT STAYED TIL LIKE 11:30. SARAH CAME AROUND 10 SOMETHING :D. SHES SLEEPING NOW THOUGH. WHICH IS KIND OF GAY. I COULD REALLY USE SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
I HATE HOW THINGS CHANGE. PEOPLE. PERSONALITIES, TIMES. ITS NOT FAIR AT ALL. BUT LIFES NOT FAIR. SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE TO DEAL WITH. AT TIMES I JUST WISH I HAD THAT ONE THING TO HOLD ON TO. AND EVERYONE AROUND ME IS FINDING IT. ITS SO HARD TO THINK OF MEMORIES. SOMETIMES THEY JUST KILL ME. OTHER TIMES THEY MAKE ME SO MAD. THEN OTHER THEY DONT PHASE ME. WELL THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHERE ITS KILLING ME. I HAVE SUCH A BAD HEADACHE RIGHT NOW FROM THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY. START OVER. FORGET EVERYTHING. LIFE WOULD BE SO EASY IF EVERY HURTFUL MEMORY WAS QUICKLY FORGOTTEN, THERE WASNT HIDING, AND LIEING, AND ANYTHING HURTFUL. ALL EVERYONE WANTS OR NEEDS IS HONESTLY, LOYALTY, A FRIENDSHIP AND TRUE COMMITMENT. THAT RIGHT THERE COULD BE WHAT LOVE IS. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH STRESS ON ME RIGHT NOW. I NEED A JOB, I HAVE TO KEEP MY GRADES UP, MY DAD AND MY STEPMOM ARE ALWAYS YELLING AT EACH OTHER NOW. I CANT DEAL WITH IT ALL. I HATE FAKE SMILES AND CHEERY ATTITUDES. I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. HONESTLY I DO. I'VE NEVER BEEN CLOSER TO MY FRIENDS AND STUFF.. BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ONE THING EVERYONE ELSE HAS. ITS SIMPLE TO ASK FOR. YET ITS SO COMPLICATED. MY LIFE IN THAT ASPECT IS LIKE A REVOLVING DOOR.. I KEEP GETTING PUSHED IN AND OUT OF THINGS. IM JUST CONFUSED.. AND I KNOW I SHOULDNT TAKE ALL THIS TO HEART AND I SHOULDNT BE THINKING ABOUT SHIT LIKE I AM.. BUT I CANT HELP TO WONDER. AND TO REMORSE. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT. NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO GET ME AWAY FROM IT OR COVER IT UP. AND I DONT KNOW WHY. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT COULD HAVE THAT MUCH OF AN AFFECT ON SOMEONE. I MEAN, I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.. BUT IT NEVER LEFT MY MIND. IT JUST DIDNT HURT AS BAD OVER TIME. BUT NOW ITS BEEN WHAT.. ATLEAST 2 MONTHS AND IT SEEMS LIKE AN HOUR AGO. I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS FINE.. BUT EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE OF THINGS. I RELIZE THAT. BUT WHY HOLD ON SO LONG IF YOURE NOT HAPPY. WHEN YOU DONT HAVE THAT FEELING IT SHOULD BE DONE. THATS IT. IT WOULD BE EASIER. IM SO STUPID. I HATE MYSELF. SOMETIMES I WISH I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED IT. EVERYTHING IS BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE THOUGH. LIKE PAST YEARS. WE TALK EVERY NOW AND THEN. I SEE A SMILE ON HIS FACE EVERYDAY. THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING. I JUST HATE HOW HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. I WAS HONEST WITH HIM. I WAS LOYAL TO HIM. I WAS COMMITED TO HIM. THERES NOTHING LEFT OF ME.. BUT WHATEVER THERE IS LEFT IS UP FOR THE TAKING. I DONT WANT TO HURT AT ALL ANYMORE. I WANT SOMEONE IN MY LIFE TO CONFIDE IN. I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND HOW A LABEL CAN CHANGE HAPPINESS, BUT IT DAMN SURE WORKS. I SHOULDNT BE SAYING ALL OF THIS. ITS FOOLISH. BUT THE WORDS. THE WORDS SPOKEN. MEAN SO MUCH MORE THAN EVER. AND I KNOW IM STUPID TO LET THEM BOTHER ME BUT I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW IF WE ARE ON EACH OTHERS MINDS AND HURT WHEN WE THINK ABOUT MEMORIES AND EVERYTHING.. THEN WHY CANT WE BE TOGETHER. I DONNO. I KNOW IM JUST SAYING ALL OF THIS BECAUSE IM IN THIS TYPE OF MOOD.. AND I KNOW TOMORROW ILL BE FINE. BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE. HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. THATS DEFFINATELY ONE THING IN LIFE YOU CAN RELAY ON.
IM GOING TO TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP. I HAVE TO GET UP IN LESS THAN 4 HOURS. :/