WHATS THE POINT IN LOVE IF IT ONLY ENDS IN HEARTACHE
I WISH SOMEONE COULD TELL ME HOW LOVE COMES AND GO. HOW IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT SOMEONE THAT MUCH THAT YOU LOVE THEM THEN HOW COULD YOU FORGET THEM? OR EVEN TRY TO? I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE THINK.. I WISH I COULD GET INSIDE PEOPLES HEAD JUST SO I WOULD KNOW. JUST FOR AN HOUR OR SOMETHING. THE THING THAT TEARS ME UP THE MOST ABOUT THIS ALL IS THAT I LET MYSELF DOWN. I DID ALL THE SHIT I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDNT DO. I GAVE IN. I DIDNT WANT TO HUG HIM, I DIDNT WANT TO KISS HIM, I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HIM, I DIDNT WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM. I WANTED TO MAKE HIM MISS ME. AND I THREW THAT ALL AWAY. I FEEL LIKE I GAVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED. AND I SHOWED THAT I AM WEAK. I WAS DOING SO GOOD TO. I JUST WISH I COULD BE HAPPY BUT I CANT. EVERYTHING I DO REMINDS ME OF HIM IN SOME WAY.. BECAUSE WE DID SO MUCH SHIT THIS PAST SUMMER.. AND SOMETIMES THINGS REMIND ME OF WHEN WE DATED BEFORE. AND IT JUST KILLS ME. LIKE I GO INTO MY ROOM AND SEE MY BED.. AND I THINK ABOUT THE TIMES WE LAYED THERE... AND I SEE THE STOOL HE BOUGHT ME FOR MY BRITHDAY.. AND IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT SPENDING MY BIRTHDAY WITH HIM.. AND THEN THAT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT HIM COMING TO MY FAMILY REUNION AT DELGROSSOS.. THEN THAT LEADS TO WING OFFS AT LAKEMONT AND SHIT..WE DID SO MUCH THIS SUMMER. I STILL REMEMBER THE THIRTEEN OF JUNE.. I WOKE UP AT LIKE 6 IN THE MORNING TO GET READY TO HANG OUT WITH HIM.. AND I LOOKED SO HARD FOR A RIDE TO SEE HIM.. AND WE MET UP.. AND WE JUST WENT INTO THE WOODS AND HUNG OUT FOR HOURS.. UNTIL HE HAD TO GO TO FOOTBALL. IM SORRY BUT I DONT KNOW MANY PEOPLE WHO WOULD WAKE UP THAT EARLY JUST SEE SOMEONE. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARENT EVEN DATING YET. THE TIMES AT HIS GRAMS HOUSE AND SWIMMING, ALL THE MOVIES WE WATCHED AND GOING SCHOOL SHOPPING AND OUT TO EAT. THE RACES :/. ALL THE TALKS ON THE PHONE.. GLACTIC ICE. SCORING HOCKEY GAMES. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH SHIT THAT REMINDS ME OF HIM.. BUT I KNOW EVERYTHING WASNT PERFECT.. WE HAD OUR GOOD TIMES AND OUR BAD.. BUT IF YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE THEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE TO HELP THEM WORK THROUGH THEIR PROBLEMS WITH THEM.. TO GUIDE THEM OR JUST BE THERE TO LISTEN.. AND I KNOW I DONT TALK ABOUT HOW I FEEL ALOT BUT ATLEAST SOMEONE COULD DO IS BE THERE TO UNDERSTAND. I REMEMBER IN 8TH GRADE, WE WERE READING A BOOK IN ENGLISH AND IT WAS ABOUT A GIRL AND A BOY DATING BUT BREAKING UP AND DATING OVER AND OVER AGAIN.. AND THE TEACHER HAD SAID THAT IT REALLY MEANS SOMETHING IF TWO PEOPLE BREAK UP AND GET BACK TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. IT MEANS THAT THEY REALLY DO CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER. THEY ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO WORK THROUGH EVERYTHING. I KNOW ITS NOT GOOD TO BREAK UP ALL THE TIME.. BUT LITTLE ARGUEMENTS AND SHIT.. RONNIE AND I HAD THEM.. AND THE NEXT DAY EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER. AND NOW SINCE SCHOOL STARTED ITS JUST LIKE ONE BIG FIGHT.. THERE IS NO GETTING BETTER.. JUST WORSE.. ITS LIKE A SLOW DECLINE.. AND SOON WE WILL HIT DIRT BOTTOM. AND ITS GOING TO SUCK.. WE MIGHT EVEN BE THERE ALREADY. I DONT KNOW. AND IT KILLS ME TO SAY ALL OF THIS. I JUST CANT TAKE IT. I GAVE SO MUCH FOR THAT KID. HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON INVOLVED IN MY SUMMER. I STOPPED TALKING TO CERTAIN PEOPLE FOR HIM. I DIDNT GIVE ANYONE HUGS BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE IT. AND NORMALLY I WOULDNT DO THAT FOR ANYONE.. BUT I DID IT FOR HIM BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. AND THAT LEADS ME TO ANOTHER NIGHT. THE NIGHT I WROTE HIM A MESSAGE ON MYSPACE OR SOMETHING AND I TOLD HIM THAT I NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM.. HERE I WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND HE IS SITTING ON MY BED AND HE KISSED MY SHOULDER. HE CAME TO MY HOUSE TO MAKE SURE I WAS ALRIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED THAT SOMETHING BAD WAS HAPPENING. I KNOW HE FUCKING CARED. I KNOW HE DID. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHERE IT WENT. IN A SINGLE FLASH ITS GONE. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN. KIND OF REMINDS ME OF A QUOTE FROM THE NOTEBOOK.. SUMMER ROMANCES BEGIN FOR ALL KINDS OF REASONS BUT WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE THEY HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON. THEY'RE SHOOTING STARS, A SPECTACULAR MOMENT OF LIGHT IN THE HEAVENS, FLEETING GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY AND IN A FLASH THEY'RE GONE... OH AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SHOOTING STARS. I NEVER SEEN A SEEN A SHOOTING STAR UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE RONNIE WENT TO FOOTBALL CAMP.. WE WERE LAYING OUT ON MY TRAMPOLINE LOOKING AT THE STARS AND TALKING.. AND WE SAW LIKE 8 SHOOTING STARS. IT WAS AMAZING. IT FELT SO RIGHT.. LIKE WE WERE MEANT TO BE. I STILL REMEMBER THE FEELING THAT RAN THROUGH MY BODY WHEN I SAW THAT. IT WAS LIKE A WAVE OF HEAT AND I COULD FEEL IT SLOWLY CONQUER MY BODY. IT MADE ME SO HAPPY THAT I GOT TO WITNESS A SHOOTING STAR WITH HIM. NOT ONLY ONE.. BUT MANY. I JUST KEEP THINKING OF TIMES WE SHARED. THE CARD HE MADE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.. IT IS THE NICEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME.. AND I CHERISH THAT SO MUCH.. EVEN THOUGH ITS ONLY PAPER AND PICTURES AND SHIT.. IT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE.. EVEN MY LIFE. HE WROTE A NOTE IN THE BACK OF IT....
LACRETIA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUNNI, I JUST WANTED TO WRITE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING AFTER ALL OF THIS.. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD AND BEING BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU IS THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. ITS AWESOME, MUCH LIKE YOU. IM SO HAPPY WERE BACK HUN. 6-13 ALL OVER AGAIN AND IT IS AWESOME. ITS SO AMAZING KNOWING THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT FEELS JUST LIKE ME. "THE NOTES YOU WROTE ME, IVE KEPT THEM ALL, IVE GIVEN ALOT OF THOUGH OF HOW TO WRITE YOU BACK THIS FALL, WITH EVERY SINGLE LETTER IN EVERY SINGLE WORD THERE WILL BE A HIDDEN MESSAGE ABOUT A BOY WHO LOVES A GIRL" I LOVE YOU LACRETIA AND LIFE WITH YOU IS GOING TO KEEP ON GETTING BETTER AND IM READY TO SPEND THE REST OF MY TIME WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU. LOVE, RONNIE G. WILLIAMS.
IS THERE REALLY SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO FEELS JUST LIKE ME? AT THIS POINT IM THINKING NOT. AND I GUESS THE REST OF HIS LIFE WAS CUT SHORT? I MEAN IT DIDNT EVEN LAST 3 MONTHS.. AND I SWEAR I WOULD HAVE GAVE THE WORLD TO THAT KID IF I COULD HAVE. AND ANOTHER THING THAT HURTS.. MY FAMILY LOVED HIM.. AND IT HURTS THEM TO SEE ME HURT.. AND THAT KILLS ME BECAUSE I HATE THEM TO SEE ME HURT.. LIKE THE DAY THAT RONNIE AND I WAS STARTING TO GO DOWNHILL I WAS IN MY ROOM REALLY TORE UP AND I WAS TRYING TO HARD NOT TO CRY WHEN MY DAD CAME IN MY ROOM.. AND HE ASKED ME WHY RONNIE DIDNT CALL YET AND I JUST STARTING BAWLING.. MY DAD DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO.. HE PAUSED FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES JUST STARRING AT ME THEN CAME AND LAYED WITH ME ON MY BED.. BUT THEN HE HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE.. AND VAL HAD TO GO TO WORK A COUPLE HOURS LATER AND WHEN SHE WALKED INTO MY ROOM TO SAY BY SHE SAW THAT I WAS UPSET.. I WASNT CRYING AT THE TIME.. I WAS JUST SITTING ON MY BED STARRING BLANKLY. AND SHE ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG.. AND OF COURSE I STARTED CRYING.. SHE CRIED THE WHOLE WAY TO WORK BECAUSE IT HURT HER ALSO. THIS IS WHAT I DO ALL DAY.. I SIT HERE AND THINK ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS.. AND I KNOW I SHOULDNT.. BUT I DO.. LIKE I KNOW THIS IS MEAN TO SAY BUT NOW THAT ALL THIS IS COMING TO AND END I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THIS SUMMER WAS A WASTE. I MEAN SOMETIMES I THINK I AM GLAD THAT IT HAPPENED.. BUT THEN OTHER TIMES I WISH THAT I NEVER STARTED TALKING TO HIM AGAIN BECAUSE I WOULDNT BE GOING THROUGH THIS.. I WOULD GO THROUGH SO MUCH WORSE THOUGH TO BE WITH HIM.. AND I DONT KNOW WHY. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT HIM.. BUT IM STUCK. I DONT KNOW ONE SINGLE PERSON WHO WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT AND STILL WANT TO BE WITH A GUY.. LATELY ALOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME THAT I AM BETTER AND I DESERVE BETTER. THEY THINK HE IS PLAYING GAMES. THEY SAY THAT THEY SEE HIM AND HIS EX TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.. AND I KNOW THATS WHY OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE DOWNHILL.. BUT I WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT. I WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT HE WANTS HER.. AND THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS WHOLE SUMMER.. BUT HE WONT. AND I DONT KNOW WHY. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH HIM.. I NEVER HID ANYTHING FROM HIM AT ALL.. AND ITS ALL BEEN LIES AND SECRETS. I DONNO.. NOW IM KIND OF BEING A BITCH.. BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THIS IS HOW IT IS. I KNOW HOW I FEEL.. AND I WILL SAY IT AT ANY GIVEN TIME. I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM BUT SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULDNT FEEL THAT WAY.. AND THATS WAS DIFFERENT BETWEEN HIM AND I RIGHT NOW.. HE DOESNT KNOW.. I DONT KNOW IS A PHRASE I HAVE HEARD MORE OVER THE PAST 3 WEEKS THAN I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE.. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING OR WHAT YOUR FEELING. BE HONEST. DONT BE AFRAID TO HURT ME. IT WONT GET YOU ANYWHERE IN THE END IF YOU TRY TO HIDE STUFF FROM ME. IT DOESNT WORK OUT LIKE THAT. HE WAS ALWAYS PRETTY GOOD ABOUT SPEAKING HIS MIND.. BUT NOW HE IS STUMBLING.. HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.. UNLESS ITS MORE LIKE HOW TO SAY IT. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART BEAT FASTER.. WHAT DOES HE THINK OF WHEN HE SEES ME.. WHY IS IT DIFFERENT FROM SCHOOL TO WHERE EVER. DID HE THINK IT WAS GOING TO WORK OUT? WHATS SO HARD ABOUT TELLING SOMEONE HOW YOU FEEL. DOES HE FEEL LIKE THIS ALL WAS A WASTE OF TIME? WHAT WAS THE REASON HE DATED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. IS IT PAYBACK? I DONT KNOW. THIS ALL SUCKS. I WANT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. I WANT BE WITH SOMEONE THAT I CAN GROW OLD WITH.. AND YES I DO WANT TO GROW OLD WITH SOMEONE. I DONT WANT TO DIE ALONE. I WANT TO LOVE LIFE. WITH SOMEONE IN IT. I WANT TO BE 90 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS MUCH IN LOVE AS WHEN I WAS 13. BUT I GUESS YOU CANT GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT RIGHT? EVERYTHING CHANGES.. SOME PEOPLES LOVE DIE WHILE OTHERS STAY STRONG. THATS JUST A CRUEL WAY OF LIFE I GUESS. I HAVE TO GO.. MY SISTER IS HERE.
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I TAKE BACK ALL THE SHIT I JUST SAID. I WAS THE ONE WHO CARED. HE NEVER DID. OBVIOUSLY. IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CANT FORGET ABOUT THEM LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AT ALL.. LIKE FORREAL THATS DUMB AS HELL. AND IF YOU LOVED SOMEONE YOU WOULDNT PLAY GAMES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IN THE END I DONT EVEN CARE. IT MAKES ME THAT MUCH OF A STRONGER PERSON AND I KNOW NOW NOT TO TRUST WHAT HAPPENS IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE 99% OF THE GUYS OUT THERE LIE THEIR ASS OFF AND TRY TO HARD TO PLAY GAMES.. WELL GUESS WHAT.. YOU DONT ALWAYS WIN YOUR LITTLE GAME.