the time in review
It's not going on a year or so before my bold and momentus move out of childhood and into complete and utter defiance of principles. I think for me the changing of the guard on my life came around when I decided to go to Boston to help a friend who was in trouble. Regardless of whom reads this or heard part of the story it doesn't matter. It was now in the past but i'd like to look upon that trip not as something to regret but to look at it as something that started something else.
I remember the day I told everyone at the "Butt Hut" at SFCC. They were astonished I'd go one such a long trip not only by myself, but in one grueling driving session.
But I did it. I got into that Nissan and drove twenty-one hours. While the events of that time were/are sketchy. I do remember having some part in the goings on of the events that unfolded. Though I still maintain to this day that I wasn't completely at fault, there was significant influence from other parties mainly that prat Joey. But regardless, I've come to realize things take care of themselves.
I look at this year in review and I think back on all the insanity that happened. Coming back home after Boston made Gainesville really seem like home, and it made me see this town as a individual, not someone living under the strict guidlines of a overbearing parental unit.
Rolling into town from that last stretch was the most insane mixture of emotions I've ever felt. It was fear mingled with a undeniable sense of happiness. Ackomplishment for making it home in one piece, and dread at the impending doom that befalled me at home.
Now it's been nearly a year since all this happened. I look back on this with a very objective outlook. Shortly after that I started drinking and hanging out with Eddie, Rick, Jet, and the rest of the Beautiful Losers. They enriched my life in a strange way and taught me to be myself, no matter what others thought of me. For once I felt important. I stayed with that ban of hooligans till my alcoholism and drug addiction became full blown. I don't know if it was a direct result of that trip or reaction towards the mind fucking I was getting at home.
In between I worked at Nanny job which I loved alot. It was strange I remember coming home after that trip and still having some of the relics from Boston in my car. It seems like another world there, Beantown. Not where things are strange and exciting, just different from home. Other places will always have the appeal. You can't live in one place forever without venturing out. But for now I sit in Gainesville and look back at the feeling of hitting the Georgia border, knowing I'm completely out of Florida. Knowing that the next 15 hrs will be the most intense and insane of my life. Knowing that I had no one but myself to rely on. Myself and shitty mapquest directions some of which made no sense.
I remember coming home after that debauchle of a weekend. Remembering leaving Boston with a sick feeling of realization that things DID NOT go according to plan. I remember crying because things were so fucked up, and I remember being scared and broke on the highway. Not exactly sure as to what the fuck to do. I remember Kimmie bailing me out and the sense of relief i felt as a bit into that subway sandwhich. I remember just wanting to feel clean again as I sat taking a shit in the McDonalds bathroom outside of Virgina. Getting gas at numerous gas stations, wary that this might be my last fill up and that I could very will be proper fucked. I knew that I was scared and that quit possibly i'd be in deep shit when I got home. But I also remember the happiness I felt walking into a warm house on a gorgeous day. Getting into the shower, scared shitless of what laid before me. I remember the phone calls home from the car, buying a charger in Target of NJ, and dealing with Joey Hunter's shit talking, telling me he had a better connection with my friend, me feeling ate up because I was almost positive he was right.
Knowing in the cosmic way of things I might have been part of a intergal pattern of events which led me up to this very day. I don't think of that trip as just a trip. I think of it as my own personal Tishominga. My own cross-roads. I look back now and wish Joey Hunter, Danielle, Danny, and everyone else I met that trip adn wish them the best of luck. We look forward to 2005. A new year and a new chance at things. My life has taken quit a turn since then. I dont' know what my future holds. I know that I'm completely in love. I hope it doesn't change. I know that I might write this and look back and go "I was completely off base" But you know I might look back and go "wow look how new this was then..now things are set and going great" Who knows? I know that right now I love Rachel, and I know that right now I'm living for the day. That I can only hope and try at this relationship and look for good things through the fruits of my labor. I'm excited and life has become such a whirlwind of emotions. And as much as I hate to say this. Thank you Justin. Thank you for sticking by yourself and stopping the habits that might have made you dead inside and out. Thank you for finally giving me a crew and allowing me to be myself. Thank you for choosing friends that are good for you instead of self destructive. Thank you for smoking pot and understanding it's mystical abilities as a mental, spiritual, and physically enlightening tool. Thank you everyone in my life: past present and future for helping shape me. And thank you finally to my friends/family without you I'd be lonely and bitter. I love you all. Especially Suzy. I say prayers for Kimmie and all the others who are struggling. Thank you everyone. Goodnight.