self loating and so forth
i don't know anything...i dropped out of basically all of my classes...
i'm thikning about getting a second job for a while in order to save money for...something indeterminate having to do with my future...
i am, however, finding it difficult(once again) to motivate myself to put on some nice clothes and apply somewhere, or even to look at my resume...
nobody likes me in fact most people seem to dislike me(i have a basis for thinking this i'm just not going to go into it)...
I have horrible luck, that's partly why i dropped out of my classes...once again i don't think i want to go into, but through two strings of (nonrelated) RiDICULOUS bad luck i was going to not have two big projects for 2 dif. classes...despite the fact that i had worked very hard to prepare for them.
the same thing happened for my most important class my first semester out here...i prepared and ended up fail/bailing...because i can't ear to actually face the failing so i just don't show up...
for that class i had fucking WORKED, harder than i had ever done so for any class (a break through for me really) and then because of wrk i went to buy the stuff i needed for my final project at the last minute...i went to every art store in SF (there are many) and nobody had the stuff i needed...it was pretty standard stuff...and every store said they had underordered or hadn't recieved shipment...
so yeah...i suck
anyway i don't know what i want anymore, i'm tired of failing/bailing, i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing(all i know is that whatever it is i'm a failure at it), and i feel like a complete loser...
i know i'm smart...ish - anyway i'm creative or unique at the very least
and people view me as talented - wheter i am or not and whether they like me or not...almost no mater what I'm doing
that is what i cling to as the rest of my self esteem falls away
also i know i'm a real and good person, even if people are constantly misunderstanding, and disliking me
sometimes i can be somewhat self confident, but i sometimes hate myself too...for weakness and failure
i hate myself right now
why don't i do something about it!?
...i'm scared
when i lost my job
i went through a pretty serious bout of depression...
i didn't leave the house and i felt completely completely worthless...
Gabe added to that feeling a great deal, he's realised he was being completely selfish and awful and is much much better now...but that doesn't give me back my self though
because of depression and the horrible feeling of gabe kicking my last leg to stand on out from under me...i haven't been able to bring myself to trust him regarding anything, altough in reality i see that i can now...when it comes to it, i don't...
so i feel like i'm constantly having any barrier of self i build up scraped right away from me again from a million different directions...that's why it was and is hard to leave the ouse for long periods of time...and when i do i feel like i have to put on an armour of very attractive clothing
going to work isn't a problem and i have go now
i'm thikning about getting a second job for a while in order to save money for...something indeterminate having to do with my future...
i am, however, finding it difficult(once again) to motivate myself to put on some nice clothes and apply somewhere, or even to look at my resume...
nobody likes me in fact most people seem to dislike me(i have a basis for thinking this i'm just not going to go into it)...
I have horrible luck, that's partly why i dropped out of my classes...once again i don't think i want to go into, but through two strings of (nonrelated) RiDICULOUS bad luck i was going to not have two big projects for 2 dif. classes...despite the fact that i had worked very hard to prepare for them.
the same thing happened for my most important class my first semester out here...i prepared and ended up fail/bailing...because i can't ear to actually face the failing so i just don't show up...
for that class i had fucking WORKED, harder than i had ever done so for any class (a break through for me really) and then because of wrk i went to buy the stuff i needed for my final project at the last minute...i went to every art store in SF (there are many) and nobody had the stuff i needed...it was pretty standard stuff...and every store said they had underordered or hadn't recieved shipment...
so yeah...i suck
anyway i don't know what i want anymore, i'm tired of failing/bailing, i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing(all i know is that whatever it is i'm a failure at it), and i feel like a complete loser...
i know i'm smart...ish - anyway i'm creative or unique at the very least
and people view me as talented - wheter i am or not and whether they like me or not...almost no mater what I'm doing
that is what i cling to as the rest of my self esteem falls away
also i know i'm a real and good person, even if people are constantly misunderstanding, and disliking me
sometimes i can be somewhat self confident, but i sometimes hate myself too...for weakness and failure
i hate myself right now
why don't i do something about it!?
...i'm scared
when i lost my job
i went through a pretty serious bout of depression...
i didn't leave the house and i felt completely completely worthless...
Gabe added to that feeling a great deal, he's realised he was being completely selfish and awful and is much much better now...but that doesn't give me back my self though
because of depression and the horrible feeling of gabe kicking my last leg to stand on out from under me...i haven't been able to bring myself to trust him regarding anything, altough in reality i see that i can now...when it comes to it, i don't...
so i feel like i'm constantly having any barrier of self i build up scraped right away from me again from a million different directions...that's why it was and is hard to leave the ouse for long periods of time...and when i do i feel like i have to put on an armour of very attractive clothing
going to work isn't a problem and i have go now