The People's Republic of Xi-feng Welcomes You
hi welcome.
This, like most documents, is a living one. Last updated 31 December 2019.
As of April 2017, I have moved to Dreamwidth; my username there is xifeng, if you'd like to follow along at home. I still read my friendslist here and respond to entries thereon or comments left on my journal, but LJ is no longer my primary hub.
Zdravstvuite, hajime mashite, and yo hey. (Also salve, if you're into Latin.) I'm l33. It's ttly awesomesauce to meet you. (Unless you're a multi-level marketer, and then it's not quite so much with the ttl awesomesauce, but I would still like to see how your mind works.) Here is some stuff about me so you can't say you weren't warned.
Insignificant biographical data:
+ My name is Lee (often spelled l33 for aesthetic reasons), Xi-feng, whatever. Call me whichever you feel comfortable with. If you know my birth name, which I don't plan to retain, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call me that--I no longer associate that name with me.
+ I intend to stay in my twenties for a while, notwithstanding the chronological impossibility of doing so.
+ I'm physically female, though the ways I understand and interact with my world and relate to other people tend to be more typical of men, and there are times when I further obfuscate the issue by using male pronouns in reference to myself, or by using words that typically pertain to male roles. This is what is most normal and natural for me. If you stick around, you'll get used to it. By the same token, you can refer to me as "him" or as "her"; neither bothers me.
+ Pursuant to the foregoing, I'm not transgender. I have had, and occasionally continue to have, gender issues, but I generally do not find them to be overwhelming or unhappy-making, and I don't need to be a man in any literal sense. (I do, however, need to act like a man for my own emotional satisfaction, and it is very important to me that I be perceived as masculine, regardless of how I'm presenting.)
+ I live in Indiana. While my parents and substantial chunks of my family on both sides are from here, I am not from Indiana all my life; we moved about every two years when I was growing up, with the end result that most of my childhood and adolescence were spent on the East Coast in Pennsylvania and Maryland, along with a wretched stint in Texas which I like to pretend was not real. Generally, if I recount tales of my misspent childhood, I'm referring to something that happened when we lived in the East. When I was a very young child, we lived here and in Illinois, but I have few strong memories of those days so am unlikely to talk about them. All in all, I consider myself a Hoosier. I've lived here longer than I've lived anywhere else.
+ I went to IU, where I majored in classics. I started back there studying anthropology (also on the undergrad level), but am on an extended break while I sort out my shitty broken brain and my finances.
+ I am a title insurance professional and currently work as a searcher. I've done both search and examination work, and I'd really like to get a foot in the door to the mortgage side of the industry. We'll see.
+ Pursuant to the above: Any opinions stated in this journal are my personal opinions and do not reflect the stances or policies of my employers. (There is a word for people who think I am speaking in my official capacity; it is "idiot".) Also: I am not an attorney, and nothing I say about title should be construed as legal advice. Threats to find the abominable bozo who compiled these search notes, kill him, and ritually consume his innards should probably also not be taken seriously.
+ Offers to give you special powers should probably also be treated as highly suspect.
+ My politics are profoundly uninteresting. As a teenager, I had a full-blown love affair with Communism, which occasionally comes back to haunt me; I don't talk about this very much, but it might be worth knowing. For various reasons that I'm not going to get into at length here, this is a subject that is not open for discussion or debate here. You're entitled to your opinion, but my journal is my platform, not yours.
+ Since you may actually encounter my thoughts on yaoi God, I am a non-practicing Roman Catholic of Jewish descent with Pagan and Buddhist leanings, agnostic always. Religion is kind of a fraught thing for me (obviously) and I think and write about it a lot, though generally not here. I don't think I have any capacity for strong religious belief, and I am curious about faith and people who have faith, because I am a person of doubt.
+ I have dysthymia, which is what used to be called chronic depression in the United States (I understand that name is still used in the UK and Commonwealth), and now isn't because this is not a very cheery prognosis. Given family history, I am likely genetically predisposed towards it. It does not mean that I can never be happy or that my very existence is pain. While it can be affected by life situations, it is not situational in and of itself, and I will likely have to do battle with it for the rest of my life. I see a therapist when I'm depressed but do not take medication; I'm not against other people having medication if that is what they need in order to function and enjoy a good quality of life, but I don't believe that I personally need it (as witness my ability to function normally while depressed), so I've never tried it and never will. There are a variety of reasons for this which I don't feel compelled to share, and you should be aware that this is not up for discussion.
Generally, I filter more extreme wangst or keep it to myself, but every now and then, I may make posts that have little to do with sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, pretty flowers, etc. If you've never had depression or don't know someone who has, I realize that it can be difficult to understand why I cannot just "snap out of it" or "get happy". I didn't choose to have the depression; I can only choose what to do and not do about it.
+ I'm childfree. This is permanent, and I neither can nor will "change my mind": I'm surgically sterile. I would have been a fucking awful parent.
+ I've never been married, also due to choice. I'm single at present and likely to stay that way for a while.
+ There are other people you probably need to know about if my journal is going to make any sense. I have a mother (who appears here as the lolmom). I also have a younger sister (X-chan), who is a scientist (of the mad variety) and lives in the West. Oh, and there's the cats; Oliver, aged probably about nine years old as of this writing, is a tuxedo rescue cat from X-chan's apartment complex. We think he was dumped, and he had some health problems when he first came to live with us, but he's a happy, healthy, active cat now. Lily, who is probably about seven or eight years old, came to live with us in 2013 (lolmom's co-worker passed her on).
+ Some of my real-life friends and co-workers (categories that tend to overlap) make guest appearances here.
+ Also, I have a father with whom I have a complex non-relationship. It's a long and tedious story, and I've already pretty much said what I have to say about it. Occasionally, he pisses me off so badly I have to get on the Internet to scream about it, but for the most part he's not someone who merits much of my time or energy.
What I'm like:
+ THINGS WHAT ARE SUPER IMPORTANT TO ME: Learning, work, and creating. I use "work" to encompass both my paid livelihood and things that I don't get paid for but prioritize and spend a lot of time on.
+ Assume that you do not have the right to appeal any of my decisions. This will stand you in good stead.
+ I tend to present myself in the worst possible light, because I figure that if you can deal with all the things about me that are difficult and cantankerous and, on more than one occasion, outright mean-spirited and small-minded and petty and ugly, without screaming and fleeing, then you're probably okay. I've never been good at playing defense, and I'm not good at selling myself.
+ I am very, very clannish. I tend to froth first and ask questions later, and I can be overprotective and sometimes need to be reminded to back off and let people handle their own shit.
+ In my family, growing up, anger was kind of the only emotion that was safe to express. There was a time when I would have said that I was an angry person, but I don't know how true that is now. This means that you might see me growling and grandstanding in mock exasperation, which probably shouldn't be taken too seriously. It also means that you might actually see me really and genuinely angry, which is not unheard-of. There is nothing you can do to help; it's probably in your best interest to keep your nose down and let it blow over, as it usually will in the end. (There are some things that so consistently piss me off, and some things that have had such huge and wide-ranging impacts on my life, that I remain angry about them.)
One imperative, however: Do not tell me to chill. If you are upset or annoyed by my getting really, honest-to-God angry, fine; nobody's making you read it, so scroll on by. I can and occasionally do blow things out of proportion, but if I'm ranting or shouting, I need to get something off my chest before I can move on. Once that happens, I'll probably be fine. If you tell me to calm down, you risk turning my not-unformidable fury on yourself, and may find yourself on the business end of OH SO YOU THINK [shit my father does] ISN'T THAT BIG A DEAL??? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF [shit my father does] HAPPENED TO YOU??? YOU STILL THINK I SHOULD FUCKING CHILL? End result: more anger.
+ I am pretty funny in real life, but I don't know if I come off as all that funny on the Int0rbuttz, where you can't hear me snickering conspiratorially as I tell you some scurrilous anecdote that will render you unable to look at me with a straight face for the rest of the day. A lot of humor is in the delivery, I find. Some people apparently do laugh at things I say on the Internet, though, which is fine.
+ I am equally at home in high culture and some forms (many forms?) of low culture.
+ I have a kind of spastic intellectual ADD which results in my having a lot of interests and less time than I'd like to properly explore and write about them all. If I'm interested in something, I am interested in it and would like to know more, but I don't necessarily know a lot about it.
+ I am curious about everything, but some things are ultimately more interesting to me than others.
+ I don't know that I would characterize myself as a nice person. I definitely would not characterize myself as a good one, because that's a judgment that always seems a little egotistical to me. (A lot of my internal monologues begin, "Lee was the worst person in the world.") I like people who are nice because that's the way they really are; I've also known a lot of people who were "nice" in the expectation of gaining some sort of reward, and became upset when it was not forthcoming. I can do without the latter, frankly.
+ I really don't like a lot of things about myself, and am constantly working on myself. I have high expectations, and I'm not very nice to myself--my experience has been that if I set the bar low or allow myself an inch, nothing gets done. I crave perfection.
+ I've read that feelings are everywhere. I am total pants at feelings, mainly because I don't understand or experience them the way normal people do; I usually can't identify or define how I'm feeling. (My usual thought process goes like this: SO MANY FEELINGS. THEY ARE ALL BAD. WHY DID I QUIT SMOKING.) I also don't attribute much importance to feelings. This doesn't mean that I will run rough-shod over yours for the hell of it, but I have inadvertently said things that other people have found hurtful.
+ I am also not very good at reading your mind. Did I hurt your feelings? Are you pissed off with me? Then tell me. I won't know otherwise, and if you get all passive-aggressive, I will get bored with trying to figure it out and go do something that promises more entertainment.
+ Do not lie to me. Do not dick me over. Especially do not dick someone I love over, because I will tolerate any injury to myself before I will let you harm one hair on their head. I will not understand, I will not forgive you, and I will hold it against you, probably forever.
+ Pertinent to the foregoing, I don't do forgiveness or second chances. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever (spot the reference and WIN!).
Stuff I am into/like/engage in frequently:
+ See my profile for a list of interests. 150 interests ttly does not begin to cover it, yo.
+ I obsess fairly easily and there are things that are hilarious only to me. Feel free to skim 'em if you find them tedious, but it's my journal and I'll natter on about whatever I feel like.
+ I cook a lot; I like good food, I like to cook, I like to feed people, and it's a creative outlet (one of many; I'm not really happy unless I'm making something). I don't know that I'm OMG THE HEALTHIEST EATER EVER, because I like crap as well as anyone, but I try to eat fish rather than red meat or poultry, and I experiment with vegetarian dishes pretty often (2-3 times a month). I'm fortunate in that I live in an area that's still predominantly rural, so it's possible to get good, fresh, local produce. I used to flowerpot-farm vegetables and herbs of my own. Unfortunately, my apartment doesn't have a balcony or a patio, and I don't have space to grow anything in containers.
+ I am into anime and manga, but these days, it's more of a casual interest than anything else, and I've pretty much returned to my not-reading-stuff-that-hasn't-got-samurai-in-it roots. I also like Western comics and cartoons, but again, it's a more casual interest than it used to be.
+ At one time, I spoke Russian, and would like to speak it again. I should also give some serious thought to actually learning Japanese, just because there's less samurai shit in English translation then there could be.
+ My goal in life is to read everything.
+ I write. At some point in the future, I may be lucky enough to be a literary thousandaire. Right now, though, writing is My Stupid Hobby. Sometimes I post fic here--don't worry, it's always cut so you can skip it if you don't like fic, and I don't expect everybody to always give me feedback all the time. You may be asked if you would like to read longer projects (off LJ); this is strictly opt-in and no opprobrium will attach to you if you're not interested.
+ I roleplay. I used to run a game and am looking at resurrecting it this year, and I've got other things in the works.
+ I like movies, mostly the kind that make me laugh, or the kind where everyone has a costume and an accent. I also like the kind where everyone trains with the Shaolin monks and the kind with samurai.
+ I like to fiddle with my camera, so you can expect a lot of what I like to call Blurry l33 Theatre.
+ I've developed an interest in genealogy in the past year or so, which stemmed from fiddling around on WorldConnect and has yet to be dignified with proper research.
+ Christ on a stick do I love history. And by history I mean "all of it".
+ Things I am really into as of December 2019: Classical mythology in general and the Trojan War in particular, samurai, Russian history, the entire fucking ancient world but especially the Roman Empire, Napoleon, the long eighteenth century, the Tolkien legendarium, and Star Wars. I'm sure I'll add more to that list. (Previous and future geekery has included and will include early rock 'n roll, science and history blogs, bog bodies, new religious movements, Norse mythology, fairy folklore, Tudor England, Celtic mythology, the early modern witch craze, the Wars of the Roses, Les Misérables, Robin Hood folklore, beauty blogs, chanbara movies, ancient Egypt, Oceania, MUMMIES OMG, and pirates.)
+ Note for fannish people: I do fandom differently to most people; I don't have ex-fandoms. Obsessions may wane, but they're always there and they'll come roaring back later. For me, fandom is My Stupid Hobby, not a way of life and a state of mind; I've always been fairly casual about my involvement. Also, it's worth noting that I'm not really up for being converted to your fandom; this isn't meant as a slur on you or your fandom, but I generally know what I like and my interests, as far as fandom goes, are very specific. I don't usually concern myself with whatever the Hot New Fandom is (if I do, it will be because I like the source material for its own sake and not because it's being hyped at the moment), and if I am a fan of something, I will likely remain a fan long after it's cool to be one. In the immortal words of Shrek, I don't care what everybody likes.
Stuff I talk about and don't talk about, and how I talk about it:
+ Obligatory disclaimer: Allowing for the inevitable limitations of one non-omniscient person, and given that I may occasionally exaggerate for comic effect (or some other literary effect), unless otherwise stated, all this shit really happened more or less as described.
+ I started blogging during a time in my life when I was livid with everything, so I still do a lot of venting on here. Often, it's my way of getting stuff off my chest so I can get on with things, and unless I stay livid for days/weeks/months/etc. on end, I wouldn't get too worked up over it if I were you.
+ I talk about more or less what I feel like talking about when I feel like talking about it. I make no representation that reading me will offer any entertainment value; I'm not here to be all things to all people. Neither will you get more from my rich tapestry of literary value with every reading. If you enjoy reading, great. If not, great.
+ Common subjects of blog posts include people's birthdays, what I'm reading, what I'm cooking and eating, things that are going on (and not going on) in my life, stuff that happens at work, things I found so entertaining I felt compelled to share them, unhealthy thoughts, etc. There is no one theme or leitmotif.
+ It is very rare, if ever, that I go on about politics, religion, or sex.
+ Sometimes I natter on about fandom, though on the whole this is not a fannish journal.
+ Also: Your Earth television, I do not watch it.
+ This is your one and only heads-up, for those concerned about being spanked, grounded, fired, or jailed: I have been known to utter the occasional expletive, make unflattering references to people's ancestry, and link to pictures of nekkid boobies. (I do warn for NS4W content, because it's the done thing, but you're more likely to find something in dubious taste than something that's outright line-crossing.)
+ Re: the occasional expletive, I swear. It's not every other word out of my mouth (unless I'm really worked up or upset about something), and I generally don't swear at people (there's a difference between "fuck this!" and "fuck you!"); however, I guess it might be considered fairly heavy by some people's standards. (Yes, I know, blah blah blah exercise some thought and choose the right word to express your feelings l33, but sometimes the word that best expresses how I'm feeling is a good, succinct, four-letter Anglo-Saxon word.) For various reasons, it's how I talk, and it genuinely doesn't occur to me that anyone might ever consider it offensive. I will, of course, respect requests not to swear in other people's journals, but this is mine and I'll say whatever I want here with as many (or as few) four-letter words as I see fit.
+ SOMETIMES I ABUSE MY CAPSLOCK PRIVILEGES. Sometimes I also say things in Netspeak/lolcats/h4x0r/1337sp33k. If I do the latter, I'm not being serious and don't expect to be taken seriously; 1337sp33k and the like are funny to me.
Friending, comments, filters, and all that jazz:
+ If I friend you, it's because I've stumbled upon you somehow, find you interesting in some way, and would like to read your journal (and possibly get to know you if this is something you would also like). If you want to friend me back, awesome. If not, my life will continue in much the same way as before.
+ If you would rather I politely go away forever, all you have to do is ask me to remove you from my flist. It doesn't hurt my feelings or upset me in any way, I'll remove you, and our lives will go on. You don't even owe me an explanation.
+ If you want to friend me, feel free. It's nice of you to ask or leave a comment, but you don't need my permission. Be aware that I do not always reciprocate, and that I don't owe you an explanation if I choose not to. The fact that we may have common friends/interests/communities doesn't really matter--in these parts, you stand or fall by your own merits.
+ Even if I don't friend you back, you're welcome to keep me on your flist if you want (up to you). It doesn't bother me, and I have better things to do than get upset with you about it or worry that my flist does not exactly match in every particular.
+ A few years ago, I did a massive flist cut, for the first time in 11 years, so we're probably due for the next one in another 10-11. (Basically, I only deleted dead journals and people I didn't talk to much.) Other than that, when I do defriend, it is typically because you've moved/switched journals and the old one is no longer being used; because you asked me to take you off my flist; because you defriended me first and we weren't much more than acquaintances; or because you were a complete and total dick and a half to me or someone I love.
+ Anonymous comments are disabled, due to increasing problems with spam. I regret that I had to do that, but I was sick of deleting eight ads for fake Coach bags off my journal every day.
+ A lot of entries, though not all, are flocked. This may change someday, but right now I kind of feel the need. I do sometimes filter, and if this is the case, I will typically state why the post is being filtered. It's okay if the reason given makes no sense to you, but I expect that my privacy will be respected. Yours will be.
+ Most of my filters just exist for my convenience in reading my communities and flist. There are several filters for one person only (typically because LJ is the best way to reach them); there's a filter for close friends only. That's really about it. On the whole, most friends-only entries are viewable by everyone on my flist.
+ I read all your entries (yes, everybody every day) or at least all the entries I'm given access to. However, I typically only comment when I have something to say. I am not the LJ friend who says "omg lol" or "i leik cereal" just for the sake of leaving a comment. By the same token, I don't get upset if you don't comment.
Other places where I am:
Dreamwidth ~ E-mail ~ Facebook ~ FanFiction.net ~ Goodreads ~ Instagram ~ Tumblr ~ Twitter
(Warning: You may see a shitton of duplicate entries.)
Have fun.
The Commissariat of Tourism and Internet Gawking hopes you enjoy your stay.