Complaints (or, Most of You Are Tools)
Dear yogurt makers of the world,
FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! DO YOU KNOW IT?
I do not want my yogurt pre-blended. I want yogurt on top. Then I want fruit on the bottom. I enjoy the great taste of yogurt and fruit, don't get me wrong, but I prefer to blend my own yogurt, or to decide that no blending is necessary if it does not please me to blend. It used to be that you could scarcely get pre-blended yogurt to save your life, and now all of a sudden, it's overtaking the grocery stores like a plague. A big, pre-blended plague.
Seriously, instead of worrying about cranking out beef-pot-pie-on-a-stick-flavored yogurt, perhaps you should consider returning to fruit on the bottom.
I love your tasty product but would enjoy it EVEN MORE if the FRUIT were on the BOTTOM where it BELONGS,
l33
Dear Some Kinds of Christians,
I am at work to WORK, not to read tracts, most of which insult the average person's intelligence. I am a human being, not a target for conversion (or, more accurately since I was once a Christian, reconversion). As soon as you're out of eyeshot, your tracts wind up in the garbage, where they belong.
Also, some of you should really just knock off the deal where you start an innocuous conversation with me and then it turns into a discussion of religion and an ardent appeal to me to convert RIGHT NOW. I think you know very well what you're doing, and I think you know very well that it's deceptive and it makes you look bad. The end DOES NOT justify the means; you could at least have the decency to say "o hai l33 i want 2 tlak abt religun" at the outset, thus giving me the out of saying "o hai thx bt i rly dnot want 2 tlak abt religun nau". This is why I am ALWAYS nicer to the Latter-Day Saints and Jehovah's Witnesses than I am to you: I might not believe in their version of events any more than yours, but at least they're honest and straightforward about what they're about, and I can respect that. I hate this subterfuge shit, and I don't respect you for engaging in it.
Please stop being the same religion as some of my loved ones. You're making them look stupid. They don't deserve to look stupid.
I wish to fuck that some of you would behave like you actually have any idea what Jesus said,
l33
Dear Yukichi,
No. Just...no. I am not going to write that story. I don't care that you want to play. I don't care that you want to be an expensive porn star. (To the extent that you can be said to "want" anything, given that you have no existence separately from me.) I don't care that this gets you off. We both know that the story on paper won't begin to approach the story in my head as far as hotness goes, and we also both know that Shirôzaemon could never be convinced to engage in your desired behavior, so let's just drop it, k?
Get back in your box or so help me I'll rewrite you to be a Sengoku-era character and kill you off before your time,
l33
Dear Lol-Mart,
Look, I'm really sorry about this morning; as you know, I usually don't show up to work that horribly late, and I am absolutely mortified about it. I don't usually sleep through my alarm unless I'm very sure it's safe to do so, and I don't know what happened this morning.
That said, this probably could have been avoided had you not worked me from 2 p.m to 10 p.m. last night and then expected me to be here at 6 a.m. this morning. I had chores to do at home, and even had I not had chores, I STILL wouldn't have had a full night's sleep--not exactly conducive to my being able to get up in time to be at work by 6.
I hope the UFCW unionizes you,
l33
Dear Mr Carroll,
Miyamoto Musashi was an immensely talented man who lived in fascinating times. He deserves better than the piece of dreck known as Lightning in the Void. Yoshikawa-sensei didn't get everything right either, but at least I didn't have to wade through page upon page of poorly-integrated exposition, some of which is not feasible for the time and place.
I'm starting to think white people should be banned from writing novels about samurai,
l33
Not technically a complaint, but it does make everything all better:
Dear Gerst Haus,
I love you. Never change. Corona + lime = OTP theirloveissomood-altering.
Please continue to keep your highly awesome and extensive list of imported beer,
l33