Life.
Life has settled into a much slower downward slope. An even speed is better than free fall, I suppose. I ought to start drinking heavily again, that seemed to work. I pinned it down that I only drink heavily when life is so overwhelming that I can't block it out of my mind. Sooner or later it comes around that I can stop feeling feelings again and I stop drinking because I don't need it anymore. Life is survivable without constant suffering once every now and again. Every day is some horrible test where I remind myself that after all these years I know well enough by now that emotions are expendable, but after all of these years it hurts so much to not hurt that I wonder what purpose any of it serves. Waking up every morning and feeling like shit because I hate my life or waking up every morning feeling like shit because I don't feel anything at all, it's pretty lose-lose these days. Every smile is fake and every second is torture. The good news is I found my tattoo. It seems pretty fucking sick, at least in my head. I'll work on it. The bad news is that it's getting harder and harder to wake up. And that's life.