Dear diary

[shadylane86]

It's been so so long since I've blogged about anything, but I've been really depressed & I used to enjoy it very much so I thought I might give it another go. Anyway, what's been going on I guess... This winter has been bitterly cold & I'm living in Hamtramck now and the city has no funds for side street snow removal so it's been kind of a nightmare. I have Nancy's old van, and it's actually done really well in the snow, surprisingly. I've only gotten stuck three times and twice some nice people on my street helped me dig it out. I guess there has been one redeeming thing about this winter, though- good Samaritans. But aside from that I think I'm ready to burst into tears on a daily basis. I've been thinking about suicide a lot too, but in a much more vaguely abstract way... I did the AmeriCorps last year up in Pontiac and ended up getting a weird job in Troy where I help people going through foreclosures... It's really stressful and so so hard to stay positive especially considering I'm already so goddamn cynical. I've been in a relationship with a guy for almost 2 years and he's really nice to me but I need a lot of space I think. I can't imagine ever living with a man. I know lots of women who really love it but the idea of not having the freedom to do my own thing really freaks me out. I need to be better at counting my blessings- I have so much when people have so little. I am college educated, hopefully going to finish my masters soon, I have a couple really close friends, I have a passport, I've travelled (only in the us & Canada, but hopefully to Mexico soon), I have money in my savings account, a warm bed, a good coat, a cat, a job, food in the fridge, a car, and so many other things... But still I'm just so sad. I try to stay sober most of the time bc I know drinking makes it worse or else I get really combative or stupid or foolish or sick and then just end up feeling even more terrible. It's really difficult to make friends around the city for some reason, and I can't figure out why. Maybe I'm just too judgmental or something. I feel like maybe most of the people I've met are just kinda sad too. I can't get down with taking drugs like that though, I'm sorry I just can't. And if that makes me lame or boring or whatever I guess that's fine but it makes me feel bad about myself even though for all intents and purposes I'm doing great. I need to get more involved I guess, maybe into a community gardening group or something. I hate politics so much though and my roommate is always trying to recruit me to go to different things with her but I have to roll my eyes... It's all just rhetoric and I'm too pragmatic these days, which makes me even more depressed... I used to be such an idealist. I want to be able to put my energy into something I really love, you know? I want to feel whole.

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