The Ninja Replacement Scale
So, I was lurking around Shaksper_random when I discovered this marvelous discussion (and its inspiration here). Basically, the Ninja Replacement Scale evaluates how badly a work of literature needs ninjas in order to be vastly improved, on a scale of 0 (no ninjas needed) to ∞ (everyone needs to be replaced by a ninja, STAT). I'm sure you can see the value of such a system. Anyways, in celebration of my LAST DAY OF CLASSES, I have decided to give the NRS (Ninja Replacement Score) of all the books I read this semester.
Firstly, Mythologizing Shakespeare
The Taming of the Shrew: Kate and Petruchio clearly need to be ninjas. Their courtship can be marked by their knock-down, drag-out wire fights, which is pretty much in keeping with the original play. Also, if the Lord from the induction was a ninja, this would explain Christopher Sly's disappearance from the play, as he was silently killed in an act break. NRS=3
The Tempest: shaksper_random gave this an NRS=0, though I think Miranda would be excellent ninja material. No wonder Caliban's rape attempt didn't work. NRS=1
Julius Caesar: Cassius, Caesar, and Octavius should be ninjas. Randomly swimming across the Tiber is exactly the kind of things ninjas would do, and Octavius would naturally follow in his ninja uncle's footsteps. NRS=3
Antony and Cleopatra: Octavius is still a ninja, which is clearly why the pirates rebelled against him. Antony is way too stupid to be a ninja, but Enobarbus and Cleopatra's handmaidens (Iras and Charmian) should be. (Fulvia was definitely a ninja, but as she is not technically in the play, she does not score). NRS=4
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark: Old Hamlet, Fortinbras, and Laertes are ninjas. Hamlet is not a full ninja, but has been recently training. Fortunately he was able to conceal this from the pirates who gave him a lift home. NRS=3.5
Ghosts and Goths
The Castle of Otranto, by Horace Walpole: The crack that is the inspiration for the entire Gothic genre can only be improved by the copious addition of ninjas. NRS=∞
The Monk, by Matthew Lewis: Matilda is a ninja, who begins teaching her ways to Ambrosio, but he doesn't have the discipline for it. Meanwhile, the guy who wants to marry Agnes (Raymond?), Antonia's mom, and the Wandering Jew are ninjas. NRS=4
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley: Basically, there's not hope for Victor, but I think it would be very poignant if the ninja skills of his family and friends could not avail themselves against the monster's wrath. NRS=7 (his family, kissing cousin, Clerval, and Justine)
The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner, by James Hogg: OK, OK, I didn't actually finish this, but if what I did read is any indication, ninjas wouldn't really help. NRS=0
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson: I actually think this doesn't need ninjas. NRS=0
Green Tea, by Sheridan Le Fanu: Who needs ninjas when you have demon monkeys? NRS=0
The Brownie of the Black Haggs, by James Hogg: It should be the Ninja of Black Haggs. Don't try to throw a brownie ninja out of your house; he will mess you up. NRS=1
Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens: Rose Maylie is a ninja, and avenges Nancy's brutal death on the rooftops of Jacob's Island. NRS=1
The Lifted Veil, by George Eliot: Latimer would be infinitely improved as a depressed, telepathic, clairvoyant ninja, with an evil ninja wife plotting to kill him. NRS=2
The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde: James Vane obviously should have swung by Japan on his way to Australia, and become a ninja to avenge his sister. NRS=1
Carmilla, by Sheridan Le Fanu: What's better than lesbian vampires? Lesbian vampire ninjas! NRS=∞
Dracula, by Bram Stoker: Dracula's powers would be doubly fearsome if he were also a ninja. Van Helsing (if he is not in fact the archangel Gabriel) is an aging ninja on one last mission. The acknowledged awesomeness of Mina Harker clearly indicates that she should be one, as well. Jonathan Harker starts off the novel as a simple estate agent, but begins training with Van Helsing, and comes into his own after an incredible fight with Dracula at the end of the book (this also explains why he starts carrying a totally hardcore knife). Quincey Morris is not a ninja, but in fact Chuck Norris. In combination with the Winchesters (and we know John is a ninja already!), this would pretty much be the best book ever. NRS=4, CNRS=1
Nineteenth-Century Women Novelists
Man-size in Marble, by E. Nesbit: No ninjas here! NRS=0
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë: Jane, Rochester, and St. John are ninjas. Obviously. NRS=3
Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë: This book needs serious ninja help. Also, counseling. NRS=∞
The Library Window, by Margaret Oliphant: You don't need ninjas when you have ghosts. Well, sometimes, anyway. NRS=0
Cousin Phillis, by Elizabeth Gaskell: If you replace the building of the railroad with the rise of Ninjitsu, this book improves vastly. Mr. Holman is a ninja groupie. Phillis, after recovering from her brain fever, vows to become a ninja. NRS=3 (for the railroad people), with an implied +1 for Phillis.
Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen: NRS=∞*
*This may be replaced with ZHRS (Zombie Hunter Replacement Score)=∞
Middlemarch, by George Eliot: Clearly, the only thing that can make the Greatest English Novel even more great are ninjas. NRS=∞
Images of Youth
The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame: Not even ninjas can help this book. NRS=0
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett: Mary would be a totally badass ninja, with Dickon as her sensei. NRS=2
Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie: I think we can deduce the real reason for the animosity between Peter Pan and Captain Hook. NRS=1
The Twins at St. Claire's, by Enid Blyton: 3 words: Ninja Boarding School. NRS=∞
The Jolly Postman, by Allen and Janet Ahlberg: The Jolly NINJA Postman. He will fold, spindle and mutilate YOU if you try to read someone else's mail. NRS=1
Princess Smartypants, by Babette Cole: Princess Smartypants and Prince Swashbuckle duke it out in bullet-time. NRS=2
Revolting Rhymes, by Roald Dahl: Little Red Riding Hood is a ninja in all but name. NRS=1
Eva, by Peter Dickinson: Eva, in addition to championing animal rights, passes ninjitsu along to her ape descendents. NRS=1
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis: The White Witch has clearly used her ninja skills to help take over Narnia. This, of course, makes Edmund's defeat of her all the more impressive. NRS=1
The Golden Compass, by Philip Pullman: I suppose Lyra's parents would be a lot cooler as ninjas. But who needs ninjas when you have Iorek Byrnison? NRS=2
Junk, by Melvin Burgess: Richard: Anarchist Ninja whose main weapon is super-glue. NRS=1
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, by J.K. Rowling: I think we all know Dumbledore is a ninja. NRS=1
Firstly, Mythologizing Shakespeare
The Taming of the Shrew: Kate and Petruchio clearly need to be ninjas. Their courtship can be marked by their knock-down, drag-out wire fights, which is pretty much in keeping with the original play. Also, if the Lord from the induction was a ninja, this would explain Christopher Sly's disappearance from the play, as he was silently killed in an act break. NRS=3
The Tempest: shaksper_random gave this an NRS=0, though I think Miranda would be excellent ninja material. No wonder Caliban's rape attempt didn't work. NRS=1
Julius Caesar: Cassius, Caesar, and Octavius should be ninjas. Randomly swimming across the Tiber is exactly the kind of things ninjas would do, and Octavius would naturally follow in his ninja uncle's footsteps. NRS=3
Antony and Cleopatra: Octavius is still a ninja, which is clearly why the pirates rebelled against him. Antony is way too stupid to be a ninja, but Enobarbus and Cleopatra's handmaidens (Iras and Charmian) should be. (Fulvia was definitely a ninja, but as she is not technically in the play, she does not score). NRS=4
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark: Old Hamlet, Fortinbras, and Laertes are ninjas. Hamlet is not a full ninja, but has been recently training. Fortunately he was able to conceal this from the pirates who gave him a lift home. NRS=3.5
Ghosts and Goths
The Castle of Otranto, by Horace Walpole: The crack that is the inspiration for the entire Gothic genre can only be improved by the copious addition of ninjas. NRS=∞
The Monk, by Matthew Lewis: Matilda is a ninja, who begins teaching her ways to Ambrosio, but he doesn't have the discipline for it. Meanwhile, the guy who wants to marry Agnes (Raymond?), Antonia's mom, and the Wandering Jew are ninjas. NRS=4
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley: Basically, there's not hope for Victor, but I think it would be very poignant if the ninja skills of his family and friends could not avail themselves against the monster's wrath. NRS=7 (his family, kissing cousin, Clerval, and Justine)
The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner, by James Hogg: OK, OK, I didn't actually finish this, but if what I did read is any indication, ninjas wouldn't really help. NRS=0
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson: I actually think this doesn't need ninjas. NRS=0
Green Tea, by Sheridan Le Fanu: Who needs ninjas when you have demon monkeys? NRS=0
The Brownie of the Black Haggs, by James Hogg: It should be the Ninja of Black Haggs. Don't try to throw a brownie ninja out of your house; he will mess you up. NRS=1
Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens: Rose Maylie is a ninja, and avenges Nancy's brutal death on the rooftops of Jacob's Island. NRS=1
The Lifted Veil, by George Eliot: Latimer would be infinitely improved as a depressed, telepathic, clairvoyant ninja, with an evil ninja wife plotting to kill him. NRS=2
The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde: James Vane obviously should have swung by Japan on his way to Australia, and become a ninja to avenge his sister. NRS=1
Carmilla, by Sheridan Le Fanu: What's better than lesbian vampires? Lesbian vampire ninjas! NRS=∞
Dracula, by Bram Stoker: Dracula's powers would be doubly fearsome if he were also a ninja. Van Helsing (if he is not in fact the archangel Gabriel) is an aging ninja on one last mission. The acknowledged awesomeness of Mina Harker clearly indicates that she should be one, as well. Jonathan Harker starts off the novel as a simple estate agent, but begins training with Van Helsing, and comes into his own after an incredible fight with Dracula at the end of the book (this also explains why he starts carrying a totally hardcore knife). Quincey Morris is not a ninja, but in fact Chuck Norris. In combination with the Winchesters (and we know John is a ninja already!), this would pretty much be the best book ever. NRS=4, CNRS=1
Nineteenth-Century Women Novelists
Man-size in Marble, by E. Nesbit: No ninjas here! NRS=0
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë: Jane, Rochester, and St. John are ninjas. Obviously. NRS=3
Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë: This book needs serious ninja help. Also, counseling. NRS=∞
The Library Window, by Margaret Oliphant: You don't need ninjas when you have ghosts. Well, sometimes, anyway. NRS=0
Cousin Phillis, by Elizabeth Gaskell: If you replace the building of the railroad with the rise of Ninjitsu, this book improves vastly. Mr. Holman is a ninja groupie. Phillis, after recovering from her brain fever, vows to become a ninja. NRS=3 (for the railroad people), with an implied +1 for Phillis.
Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen: NRS=∞*
*This may be replaced with ZHRS (Zombie Hunter Replacement Score)=∞
Middlemarch, by George Eliot: Clearly, the only thing that can make the Greatest English Novel even more great are ninjas. NRS=∞
Images of Youth
The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame: Not even ninjas can help this book. NRS=0
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett: Mary would be a totally badass ninja, with Dickon as her sensei. NRS=2
Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie: I think we can deduce the real reason for the animosity between Peter Pan and Captain Hook. NRS=1
The Twins at St. Claire's, by Enid Blyton: 3 words: Ninja Boarding School. NRS=∞
The Jolly Postman, by Allen and Janet Ahlberg: The Jolly NINJA Postman. He will fold, spindle and mutilate YOU if you try to read someone else's mail. NRS=1
Princess Smartypants, by Babette Cole: Princess Smartypants and Prince Swashbuckle duke it out in bullet-time. NRS=2
Revolting Rhymes, by Roald Dahl: Little Red Riding Hood is a ninja in all but name. NRS=1
Eva, by Peter Dickinson: Eva, in addition to championing animal rights, passes ninjitsu along to her ape descendents. NRS=1
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis: The White Witch has clearly used her ninja skills to help take over Narnia. This, of course, makes Edmund's defeat of her all the more impressive. NRS=1
The Golden Compass, by Philip Pullman: I suppose Lyra's parents would be a lot cooler as ninjas. But who needs ninjas when you have Iorek Byrnison? NRS=2
Junk, by Melvin Burgess: Richard: Anarchist Ninja whose main weapon is super-glue. NRS=1
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, by J.K. Rowling: I think we all know Dumbledore is a ninja. NRS=1