Irrational Fears
So, ArkNorth booked us for Otakon this year. I'll be nice to be able to go. We weren't able to go last year. We may or may not both be doing awesome Haibane Renmei cosplay, depending upon how much time we have to make props and costumes between now and then. If nothing else, I'll be dusting off the ol' Vash coat. Is getting a little worn, but I love that thing. Dead Legato did such a nice job on it.
In all of this... I just can't help but think of people I know are regulars at Otakon.
And I worry about what will happen if they see me.
And I feel like crap for making Trigun fandom a crappier place for all back in the old days -- a fandom a lot of people aren't even in anymore, and one where the worst of my bratty behavior was years ago, and in conjunction with someone else who's not in the fandom anymore. A friend of mine told me that people might actually think I was more of a victim now, but back then, but I know I behaved pretty bratty. Even though I've made apologies, I can't help but think that people remember me now and again, see my name somewhere, and think of me as that crazy asshole who made their fandom experience frustrating.
I still don't like yaoi, but I no longer feel I must "save fandom" from it. I'm still not into het porn, but again, I'm apathetic and feel people can enjoy it if they want to. I still enjoy dark fics, but I don't treat them as superior - I know that they merely are a niche that I like. I'm very leery of doing any collaborative fics anymore, especially with new writers...
Anyway...
I really shouldn't care -- I'm probably well-forgotten, and all the wank happened years ago, but I *still feel bad.* Everyone who knows me knows that I'm an expert at beating myself up and that I have a hard time forgiving myself for anything. Stupid internet crap that blew over a long time ago - and I hold onto feeling bad over it. It's like I can't get my first impressions back... it's not like I want to be happy-buddy friends with people I had any of those fights with, it's just that I think I'd feel better if I somehow could know that (most) people didn't think I was still one of the fandom's stupid crazy assholes. Then again, how much have I truly changed? I like to think I've changed for the better, but I'm still pretty neurotic, as this post demonstrates. How many people actually hold onto feeling bad about something for THIS LONG? I'm not normal, and basically the only thing I can do is admit to it.
I guess... if you run into a "Shadsie" at Otakon this year, and the name rings some nasty bells regarding your old fandom, just walk away, leave her be, and know that she is sorry.