any colder, and you'd be a fucking corpse.
..as if things weren't complicated enough already, i complicated them some more.
and i don't expect them to uncomplicate themselves before i leave.
haha, oh life.
i've come to terms that i'm not very good with good-byes. departures. leaving. which is why i often never say anything at all. i just go. this is different. this is a long while. this is, in my eyes, something of an eternity. possibly 45 days. that's nearly a lifetime. fuck that. it IS a lifetime. i am going to miss everything, everyone, everywhere more than i can possibly express into a single solitary sentence. i am going to miss running rampant through the halls of mater dei with lindsay, pretending to be a damn raptor and laughing until my insides hurt. i am going to miss mater dei. i'm going to miss lindsay. her more than anyone else at that godforsaken school. i am going to miss driving my car forever until i'm on the brink of passing out. i'm going to miss singing loudly and off key with carissa to the higher and avril lavigne. i'm going to miss carissa. god. i don't think i can even explain how much i'm going to miss her. how horrible i feel that i'm leaving her. again. i'm always leaving her. i'm such a goddamn disappointment. i'm going to miss my charlotte, the absolute love of my life. i'm going to miss my goddamn cellphone. i'm going to miss my bed and my bathroom and my kitchen and my house and my home. most of all, i'm going to miss me. that sounds very strange, but i am. even though the person i currently am is nothing short of completely detestable in every aspect of the word, i am going to miss her. because she is all i have known for the past four years of my life and to associate myself with anything different is overwhelmingly difficult. i know that i am not a good person and i haven't been for a very long while. but regardless of that fact, this is still who i am, or who i have come to be and i have, more or less, come to accept that in the past four or so years. last time i was hospitalized, i caught a small glimpse of the person i had the potential to be omitting these terrible disorders that have so ridden my life, but that glimpse was immediately taken from me, the door slammed in my face. i will see that person again. i will be that person. and i will be infinitely changed. i will go out to dinner and not worry that i am eating too much, that i am eating at all. i will not calculate and cut in half and drive myself fucking nuts. i will enjoy myself. i will be a teenager. i will live. and i will be new, fresh, alive. i will be altered in every which way and i will be happy. i will FINALLY be happy. and not happy at the hands of others, happy within myself, individually. for once.
i believe in myself enough to know that i can do this. i've just been stubborn. i have hope. i have faith. and i am determined.
just not today.
i will miss those who do not deserve to be missed. and i will not say goodbye.
not if i can help it.
i will be gone.
don't send a search party.
..it's not going to pan out how i had hoped.