(no subject)
currently, there are five, with the possibility of a sixth.
normally, i'd be ecstatic about this.
but for whatever reason, i'm not.
i'm spiraling out of control. farther and farther down the rabbit hole i go...who will pull me out this time?
there are so many arms, but not enough hands.
never enough hands.
i'd like to do this for myself. to walk again from the farthest pits of hell into the world, into the light. i'm trapped in the netherworld, chained to a desire - or rather, a need - for immediate relief and satasfaction. i don't want relief anymore. i don't want the constant buzzing numbness. i'm tired of it.
i've been so numb for so much of my life that i can barely remember the majority of it.
i somehow managed to numb out the entirety of high school, my first real relationship, my grandfather's death, the making of new friends, the experiences i should have been able to feel.
realizing this is paralyzing.
i spent two years in a relationship with someone i genuinely cared for/loved and now, i remember nothing. i feel nothing.
nothing, of course, however, save the drastic feeling of panic that accompanies the ephiphany of realizing one's isolation and aloneness.
this makes very little sense to anyone else but me.
but i need to do this. for myself, this time. not for a guy, not for a friend, not for my family. for me. and i'd like to think i deserve as much, no? i'm tired of being this way. tired of beating myself up over everything. tired of sticking to habit because change is unbearable. i want to feel discomfort, goddamnit! i want to live.
right now, i'm not.
i'm falling. and i'm dangerously close to crashing.
i can't let myself crash.
because there is no one to clean up the mess this time.
just me.
i can't go to lancaster. i don't think anyone understands the level of disaster that would be at. it would break the fucking scale. i need to talk to my mother, asap.
outside of that, i'm tentative and not sure. i know i should just take a deep breath, hold my nose, and jump the fuck in, but i'm not. instead, i'm standing at the edge of the pool, arms folded over my chest, cautiously sticking my toes into the water, complaining that it's too cold. eventually i'll get in, it just might take some serious coaxing/persuading.
there are good things. i just have to keep that in mind. there are good people and i am one of them. and i should be better. because i deserve it. and because it is just.
i do not want to fuck up any future relationships, both friendships and romantic ones. i don't want to numb that out. not ever again.
i have options. many of them. i just need to take my time. i cannot immediately become codependent. i must be independent and i must make that very clear. and i will, goddamnit. i will.
i wish i could believe what i'm writing. i wish i could.
fuck.