(no subject)
today was actually decent. i had a really shitty night (i ate to much candy and ended up vomiting everywhere. it was beautiful. totally unintentional, too.) so i decided to stay home from school and spend some quality time with my mom. it was really a wonderful day. i cannot even begin to describe how happy i am to have her back in my life. i remember describing the feeling of not being able to talk to her as 'suffocating,' and i realize now there's no better fitting description. even now, when i'm keeping something from her, i feel smothered, at a loss for oxygen. she's my mother. i enjoy telling her about my life. i'm lucky she's a part of it again. and charlotte? she's the cutest baby ever. hands down. i absolutely adore her. (even if she does scream and rant and rave everytime you stop paying attention to her.)
i honestly don't understand how the hell i survived without either of them. i feel so lonely even going to school and being away from them now. it's nothing short of pathetic, but simultaneously, it's thrilling to genuinely love my family, i suppose.
tomorrow is felicia's sweet sixteen. i'm fucking PUMPED. a) because i'm wearing the most beautifu dress ever. (also wearing it ffor homecoming, yes!) b) because i fucking miss my family and c) i get to see maureen and michael who will DEFINITELY smuggle me alcohol. aka, i will be drunk and enjoying myself immensely bahaha. hopefully anyway. mainly, i'm just excited to see my family. i probably won't even need to be inebriated, seeing as they make me laugh to death anyway. it should be interesting. there's going to be so many fucking people there.
saturday i'm probably going to see carissa's play and probably going to see two very old friends. it's going to be a big happy. i haven't seen them in over a year. depressing much? yeah. but anyway, should be wonderful!
and sunday, i have to go home :[ to work! last day<333
YAY. so effing excited. no more work. no more staten island. no more attachment.
just me, my family, new jersey, my happiness.
works wonderfully for me.
hopefully i can either find a job around here or work for glenn. whichever comes first. i'm sure my dad will be thrilled, but at this point? i don't give a fuck. he's an asshole. as is my cunt of a stepmother. so whatever.
i'm getting my haircut tomorrow. no idea what i'm doing with it! at all. haha. should be plenty interesting.
anddddd hmm what else.
today was a relatively good day. i'm still very upset about my own general stupidity, but i'm coming to terms with it.
i'm just having a hard time dealing with certain things. being certain places. eating certain foods, smelling certain smells, feeling certain touches. (that sounded creepy, i didn't mean it that way,hahaha.)
everything is connected to a specific memory which is connected to a specific emotion, which leads to a specific reaction, usually involving me either bawlign my brains out or locking my bathroom door. for a very logn time, it's been the latter, but i'm working on finding a better way to cope with this. lately, it's been not coping with it at all. inevitably, i will explode, but as for now, i'm quite numb. which isn't necessarily a good thing, but it works for now.
i want to live my life.
i want to be wild.
i want to be rebellious.
so far, i have about three rebellious things down, two of which were mildly disappointing.
oh, bother.
anyway. i'm not so sure why i feel as such. i suppose it's because i've spent so much of my life inside the lines that i'm desperate to walk outside of them. i'm tired of being uptight and prissy and stuck up. i want to let loose. i want to do things that i would normally frown upon. i just want to experience life, once and for all - fuck up, make mistakes, LEARN FROM THEM, correct them, etc. i just want to FEEL and feel in a way that doesn't involve killing myself. you know? it would be nice.
so yeah. goals for this weekend:
1) buy more clothes.
2) wear more eyeliners.
3) find a new hat!
4) drunk.
5) write as much as possible.
6) relax, hang out. make friends.
anddddddd scene.
unearthed, like an old treasure,
i found you lying, breathless, in a dusty corner,
just as i had left you.
eyes afresh and newly opened,
i breathed a small sigh of relief -
a broken heart finds a new vice,
what could be better?
i scooped you up into my arms,
careful not to break you,
and removed the remaining silken gray matter
from your long dormant limbs.
you were a mystery,
an unfamiliarity,
a tease.
eyes awash in wonder,
risk,
danger,
i struck a match,
held it to your mouth,
watched it ignite,
and breathed deep.
a hazy mist engulfed the room,
enveloped my lungs,
clouded my vision
for a second time,
leaving me reeling,
rocking rhythmically back and forth,
incapable of sitting still.
your smoke closed my lungs.
your fog scarred my eyes.
your light burnt my insides.
i release breath and the smoke escapes,
billowing from my nostrils proudly,
like a guilty prisoner acquitted,
set free,
allowed to roam the streets again
at night,
prowling for his next victim.
i inhale a second time,
more deeply,
but the harder i draw in breath, the more quickly the smoke departs,
incapable of remaining within my lungs for longer than a second.
no further inhalation encompasses the high of the first.
inevitably, the smoke subsides,
you become smaller and smaller,
barely able to fit between my fingers,
disintegrating into ash.
disappointed, i roll my eyes,
emit smoke from my mouth,
drop you to the ground,
and pulverize what remains of your pathetic being.
what a waste, i mumble.
all that waiting, and for what?
a second of bliss
followed by a moment of incompetence.
i should have left you in the corner -
to rot,
to fester,
to dream.
you were a closed book,
an inscrutability,
a perplexity.
i wanted you, i knew not why.
alluring, disarming, ingenuine,
you drew me in with your charming smile,
tricking me all the while,
sucking me into your maelstrom of endless girls,
endless possibilities, endless choices.
i was your judy jones,
the girl who walked away,
bruising your precious ego.
i became inaccessible,
unobtainable,
pointless to pursue.
you forgot about me,
we pretended to forget each other,
disillusioning ourselves to believe
we never really mattered.
but we did matter.
we could have mattered.
a foolish girl's dream,
but not an impossibility.
i never disregarded your presence.
i always saw you,
lying motionless in the back of my mind,
awaiting your turn to run circles again.
and so your chance came.
again, you were the unfamilar toy i not only desired,
but needed to possess, to hold within my feeble grasp,
take ownership,
take pride in.
you leapt at the chance, into my arms,
removing me of breath,
scorching my lungs,
destroying my winter dream.
you were my winter dream.
you are no longer.
you feigned care,
you walked away,
the mystery faded.
all that remains is the wisp of smoke
recounting our brief time together,
the seconds that could have mattered,
the moments that never will.
baby, i'm too fucking good for you.