i deleted my previous entry
too personal.
plus, i have something far more profound/coherent to say.
inbetween last night and right now, i've been thinking quite a bit and i've come to several conclusions.
i want to know why people like me, for those who do. i want to fully comprehend that i am likeable. that i am worth being someone's friend/acquaintance and that i am capable of being liked, possibly even loved. i want to know why, for those who have, several people have fallen in love with him. maybe there are no reasons, but i'd like some. what set me apart? was it because i was unobtainable? or because there were defining qualities i possessed that made it near impossible not to fall in love with me? and if it's the latter, do i still possess said qualities? or are they gone forever? regardless, i want to know why people love me. why they deal with me. why they feel that i'm significant enough to waste time on. i'm tired of believing that i'm not worth a second, let alone an hour, or anyone's time. i want to genuinely believe that i am worth someone's expended time/energy.
perhaps in my independent time, i will be able to come to terms with these things. i want to adopt a more positive outlook. i want to start eating better. i want to stop spending my friday/saturday/sunday (okay, every night) nights locked in the bathroom. i want to find happiness and keep it in my grasp for more than just a day. i want to change, goddamnit! i want people to look at me and think 'wow, she really turned her life around.' i want to be that person! i want to be inspiring, motivating. i want to make a difference. whether it be in my own life, or in the lives of others. i just want to invoke change.
i'm tired of being sick. i'm tired of arguing with myself continually, knowing, in the end, that i'm far too intelligent to be doing this to myself. i have let this go too far. and i have not thought to stop it.
i want to. i feel as though i've ruined my entire life with this and if i don't fucking step up to the plate, it's going to ruin the rest of it.
i can't have that. i won't allow it.
and yet, how many times have i said this and done nothing? far too many.
i don't know why i continue to walk along this path, stringing myself along, telling myself it'll get better in it's own time. that eventually it'll just 'go away.' stupid. very, very, VERY stupid.
i cannot guarantee that i will ever get better. i cannot guarantee that this break will prove beneficial, not detrimental. but god, i hope it will be. i need this time to myself. to grow. to develop. to find myself. (whoever the fuck that is) to truly believe that i am capable of being loved without this hideous disease. that someone may actually want to take care of me independent of my eating disorder. that perhaps i'm worth being taking care of. for a very long time, i've believed that without my eating disorder, no one could ever really love me. that if they fell in love with me while i was sick, then why should i change? it's logical, to a certain extent, but so far as health is concerned, it's generally ridiculous.
sigh.
i want to spend time with friends. i want to make new friends. i want to have fun. i don't want to worry about what i'm eating. who's watching, who isn't. i don't want to be self-conscious about my body and about my general person. i don't want to feel insecure anymore. or embarrassed. or not good enough. i want to be wonderful. and believe that i am wonderful.
maybe i already am and never even realized it. who the fuck even knows.
today is my aunt rose's wake. i've never been less interested in going to anything in all my life. true, who's ever excited about a wake, but this is probably going to be far worse than i'm expecting. because i can't cry for her. if i cry at all, it will be for my grandfather, who i never grieved for, for myself, for the situation i'm currently in, for all the wrong reasons. and i feel like a terrible person for that.
my sister is really upsetting me lately. i found a notebook with a bunch of journal entries in it and they broke my heart. sometimes i forget how much of a toll my eating disorder(s) have taken on her. i need to do this. if not for myself, then for her. because she saw it all.
and she shouldn't have.
i'm not really sure what else there is to say.
i'm barren.
empty.
numb.
once again.