Winner in a Losing Game
Between the deep purple walls, the midnight blue ceiling, wood blinds, and dark wood floors the room should have been pitch black, but the glow of the clock radio on the bedside table behind her showed his form in the bed beside her. Last time they'd curled up in the bed together like this they had ended up talking and sharing the deep wounds of their past, baring their souls as they had already bared their bodies.
She had been turning this possibility over and over in her mind, turning it around and around. Would she follow through? Would she remember her promises? Would she care? Before she had lain in his arms and kissed him, delighting in the safety and tenderness she found there. Nothing had happened other than a few kisses teetering on the edge of more than friendship and that was all that either of them had needed. This time things were different. She'd had enough of the childish games of her boyfriend and his silent treatment for mistakes she'd made but he wouldn't explain what she'd done wrong. She'd had enough of feeling disposable. For the first time she was feeling like she mattered to somebody. This man beside her, holding her, had treated her with the utmost care, tenderness, and respect that flowed from his every action. This was not a blind leap into the great beyond like so many of her decisions had been but a careful planning that truly surprised her. She honestly thought that this may very well be a one time thing and she'd never see him again, but she was willing for a one night stand if it meant that for one night she would feel wanted and desired as a person rather than a plaything.
She lightly rested her fingers on his jaw and drew him closer for another kiss, her lips pressing against his. His arms contracted around her and she felt him smile against her lips. His hands on her back pulled her closer and she felt his strong body against her. She nibbled at his lips, her tongue flicking out to sooth the nips. He chuckled at her actions and she queried why. He told her that her actions were making him feel like she really wanted to be there with him and wasn't just using him because he was there. She reassured him that she did indeed want to be there with him, more than with anybody else in the world. She slid her leg over his and his thigh pressed between her legs. The kisses deepened and she felt like she was in free fall.
His hands began to rove over her body, caressing her back, her stomach, her legs with the lightest of touches. Time and time again she thought he was going to run his palms over her breasts or press his fingers to her core and each time he skirted away like a skittish colt. Soon she was arching her back, pleading with her body for him to touch her as he so obviously wanted to. With a groan of frustration he pulled away and with the tears in his voice evident he said he couldn't. He pleaded with her to understand, fearing that if he followed through with what they both wanted she would hate him and if he backed away she would hate him. Silent tears streaked down her cheeks as the feelings of rejection and undesirability washed over her. She heard her ex's voice in the back of her mind telling her once more how horrible she was and how nobody could ever love her or want her. She took a deep breath and quietly told him she understood. He felt himself to be in a lose lose situation but he wanted to lose and not feel that he'd taken advantage of her in a time of weakness. She curled up on her side and asked him to hold her tightly, his chest pressed to her back and his arm around her waist. Her tears wet the pillow under her check and she ached for what she feared lost forever.
Her eyes fluttered open, the early morning sun was giving the wooden blinds a rich golden outline. She turned to him, her tears now dried on her face but she smiled to see that he was still there beside her. He apologized for the previous night and explained that he could not, in good conscience take advantage of her because he cared too much for her. He didn't want her to ever regret allowing him into her life. She smiled brilliantly and explained that she'd been turning over her emotions in this case for two weeks, ever since he'd left her arms at the end of his very first trip to see her. It had been in the back and front of her mind ever since and she had no regrets about the decision she'd come to. She acknowledged that she had a boyfriend and because of him this relationship would probably go no further than a few stolen weekends but while she could she would give this friend all she could and never once look back on their time with guilt or regret.
Slowly they began to kiss again, the sweet ache once more spreading through her middle. His fingers trailed light paths over her skin again, his palms skimming over her sides. She tangled her fingers in his hair and pressed her body tightly against his. His thigh once more lodged itself between hers and she moved against him. His breath shuddered through him as his hand cupped her breast and his moan was almost a whimper as his lips closed around her. Warmth bloomed everywhere he touched her and soon she cried out as brought her time and time again to those great heights she had longed for the night before. Eventually he pulled back and started to lay beside her, intending to forgo his own pleasure, still fearing that she'd have regrets if they continued. As she floated down from those fantastic highs she felt his heat against her and asked about his satisfaction. He may have been willing to ignore his needs but she was not. She pulled him close and enticed him to continue. He moved above her and pressed into her, pulling her close and wrapping those strong arms around her as this time they both stepped over the edge. Again she was flying but this time with him. The each urged the other to new heights, climbing and soaring higher and higher. She could feel the heat spreading through her as they rose to dizzying new heights with every movement. The buildup may have been slow but the volley of explosions at the end was anything but. This was a whole new freedom in the area of flight that she'd never before dreamed could even be possible. He shook and cried out in her arms as his pleasure washed over him like a tidal wave. They held each other as they slowly returned to earth.
Ethically they were both wrong. She had a boyfriend and he knew it. This proposed relationship could go nowhere so long as she hung on the edge of the unknown with the boyfriend and she couldn't walk away. But for this stolen corner of heaven she had no regrets or guilt as to how she'd gotten there. And as long as she had no regrets or guilt he could keep his honor intact and remind his conscience that she had come to him willingly and with her eyes wide open, except for those moments where her pleasure had overcome her.
And two years later she still has no regrets and no guilt over her choices.