Adaptation of an old post, made to update how I feel today.
I sometime reflect back, just to see how far I have come, see how much I have changed. I am comparing notes, learning new ways to adapt to new challenges... My past is like an exhibit, on display to be examined, taunted, and ignored. My old self is trap in this glass cage, able to look out and be aware of what is going on, but unable to do anything about it but cry. At times I can imagine me, balled in a corner, rocking and sobbing. "Why," I cry, "Why?"
One of the bigger "downsides" I am finding to this whole "change" is that my muse has taken flight, and my flowing words tend to be more of a safari ride in an antique jeep... very bumpy, jerky, and not so continuous. I find my need, my desire is different. I no longer have this burning desire to be verbally eloquent, now I only beg to be understood. Before I pondered which words I wished to use, now I struggle to find words that make sense. My hands flailing in the air in hopes my adaptation of charades will produce the desired words my brain has lost connection to. I find myself giving up when I am at a loss for words. Throwing my hands in the air and exclaiming "Oh well, it is not that important anyway," or "I am done, I give up." Tears welling up in my eyes, my heart falls. I have failed, yet again. Is there no one who can see my struggle? No one to extend their hand and tell me it does not matter, I am still loved? I want to be more than just a broken doll, long forgotten in the corner. I want to be productive, relevant...
As I trudge forward, questioning my every thought, I try not to let this be what vanquishes me. I try not to let these hurdles be my downfall. I work on adapting, changing, improving... I pick myself up, dust myself off and plot my return! I cannot be kept in this cage forever... can I? The fact that I am aware of it should be a sign that there is a way out... right? Where is my light? This tunnel must end soon!