What the fuck...
its been far too long since I've written, anywhere... I guess here is as good a place as any to write, trapped in the tangle of things existant only inside of my own mind. I don't really care about it anymore, I might as well spew the whole tangled mass of weaves out onto some kind of medium and wonder if anyone else will understand or if I'm merely todays fool of the month. Heh, heh. very funny, shadows...
I'm in Oregon now, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing and what I ought to be doing. I'm doing what i've set out to do again, only this time I know all too well that I'm a very limited person, and I'm more afraid of failing now then I was certain of success when I went to pennsylvania... Sometimes I wonder if I ever should have left to go back to school; if it wouldn't have been a wiser move simply to stay there and stay independent.
Its so easy to slip into the age old expected deciet with different people. Usually it seems to be girls anymore. I find myself dissasociated completely. There are only two that I know that exist in any kind of cognizant reality inside of myself; the rest glimmer in and out of awareness and concern with the same speed that I'm talking to them. Out of communication, out of mind. I'm capable of slipping in to being what ever they want me to be, fullfilling their dreams - its always been what I've been fucking loved for. For all of the words, in the end it comes down to what I will or will not do for them. I'm so goddamn sick of the games that have been played with me, and now I find I've been made into something that ISN'T SO VERY DIFFERENT, and its hard as hell for me to simply accept it with a shrug and move on.
And there, right THERE, don't you see where the mask came off and I went from being mister fucking coherent and nice and slipped into the real emotions that are tripping inside of me? I wish I was dumb enough to just go get myself fucked up sometimes; it seems like it would be an easier choice sometimes. But no; I'm too damn.... something. Too damn wise I suppose. For my own good probably. sigh.
Ever watch yourself grow into the things you used to dislike most; and you know that there isn't a logical way in the world to argue with who you used to be that who you are now is a better person somehow; or that the old you was wrong - all you can do is shrug and im[part some piece of fucking wisdom, like the ability to endure what is simply because it is what is; and sometimes you can't change that.
I remember all the times I stopped reading a book because they let a single event change the relationship between two characters in a perminant, painful way; and at the time I believed you could always go back, always try again;
...Now I've learned that the truth can be less damging then a lie, that sometimes people do things and it can't be forgotten. Certainly; most wounds do indeed heal... but its the same as my leg, now long broken - there are always pains to remember it by; to remind you of your own damn human limitations in all their bloody bleeding glory. Calcium deposits and a fucking foot and a half long titanium rod to remember your foolishness by.
Life isn't as simple as it used to be cracked up to be after all I guess. In it all, sometimes it seems so damn lonely.
VAST - you
Even as I sit here thinking, my imagination soars - some girl I know hitting across this site, pressing "random journal" and getting to mine; being so touched that she prints it out and brings it as an object lesson to others, and I happen to hear her read it.. and she's all like, "This is the kind of guy I want to marry." right.
Fuck me with a horseshoe, cause it isn't going to happen, I'm edging on twenty three, I've already been engaged and I've learned the hard way that life doesn't treat you that damn nice.
3 doors down - by my side; turned just loud enough the riffs hurt but the bass is nice.
I need another like a brother for a cryin shoulder. This could be the last time that you will stand by my side. I can feel my soul its bleeding; will you fly with me this evening?
a petty maze of emptyness, I've said the hell with all the rest...
I'm sick of peoples bullshit. I'm sick of peoples lies. I'm sick of all the crimes and how often the children that call themselves men and women cry. Fucking aristoi. How many of you damn middle class and rich folk know my life?
How many of you remember shoving a fat basterd off and into a tile wall and seeing it crack; even though you got the chance to fight just a little to late, see the loose belt buckle - one fragment of a memory dangling just as loosely into your mind and pull at it as you may it never seems to come back to you.
And people wonder why I've got a harsh jagged edge to a part of me.
3 doors down - So I need you.
Yeah, I havn't forgotten you, oathbreaker and foresworn. Four months later you married some fucker. years later and I still have pains from it; much like my leg. and I *KNOW* a future I'd worked for so hard will never be... because an integral part of me was broken and it didn't heal quite straight, and i can never do things that way again. I'm not strong enough anymore...
I'm weak, and I'm broken, and I'm a sad excuse for everything I wanted to be... I have a black wisdom it seems to me sometimes; a wisdom learned through failure and not through success, but I find that even though I am cynical for myself I hope for the fools, that they won't learn because they'll succeed and be happier then I've ever been.
Been fighting my entire life. Will it ever be anything for me but a fight?
...I'm so damn lonely. It should be below freezing now outside.
I think I'll go smoke a cigarette without a jacket on.
smoking.. one more thing I once swore I'd never do... but, the me that swore died so many times. How does one deal with that? Flick the match, watch the flame.. exorcize your pain... right. I wish it could be so simple.
I'm in Oregon now, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing and what I ought to be doing. I'm doing what i've set out to do again, only this time I know all too well that I'm a very limited person, and I'm more afraid of failing now then I was certain of success when I went to pennsylvania... Sometimes I wonder if I ever should have left to go back to school; if it wouldn't have been a wiser move simply to stay there and stay independent.
Its so easy to slip into the age old expected deciet with different people. Usually it seems to be girls anymore. I find myself dissasociated completely. There are only two that I know that exist in any kind of cognizant reality inside of myself; the rest glimmer in and out of awareness and concern with the same speed that I'm talking to them. Out of communication, out of mind. I'm capable of slipping in to being what ever they want me to be, fullfilling their dreams - its always been what I've been fucking loved for. For all of the words, in the end it comes down to what I will or will not do for them. I'm so goddamn sick of the games that have been played with me, and now I find I've been made into something that ISN'T SO VERY DIFFERENT, and its hard as hell for me to simply accept it with a shrug and move on.
And there, right THERE, don't you see where the mask came off and I went from being mister fucking coherent and nice and slipped into the real emotions that are tripping inside of me? I wish I was dumb enough to just go get myself fucked up sometimes; it seems like it would be an easier choice sometimes. But no; I'm too damn.... something. Too damn wise I suppose. For my own good probably. sigh.
Ever watch yourself grow into the things you used to dislike most; and you know that there isn't a logical way in the world to argue with who you used to be that who you are now is a better person somehow; or that the old you was wrong - all you can do is shrug and im[part some piece of fucking wisdom, like the ability to endure what is simply because it is what is; and sometimes you can't change that.
I remember all the times I stopped reading a book because they let a single event change the relationship between two characters in a perminant, painful way; and at the time I believed you could always go back, always try again;
...Now I've learned that the truth can be less damging then a lie, that sometimes people do things and it can't be forgotten. Certainly; most wounds do indeed heal... but its the same as my leg, now long broken - there are always pains to remember it by; to remind you of your own damn human limitations in all their bloody bleeding glory. Calcium deposits and a fucking foot and a half long titanium rod to remember your foolishness by.
Life isn't as simple as it used to be cracked up to be after all I guess. In it all, sometimes it seems so damn lonely.
VAST - you
Even as I sit here thinking, my imagination soars - some girl I know hitting across this site, pressing "random journal" and getting to mine; being so touched that she prints it out and brings it as an object lesson to others, and I happen to hear her read it.. and she's all like, "This is the kind of guy I want to marry." right.
Fuck me with a horseshoe, cause it isn't going to happen, I'm edging on twenty three, I've already been engaged and I've learned the hard way that life doesn't treat you that damn nice.
3 doors down - by my side; turned just loud enough the riffs hurt but the bass is nice.
I need another like a brother for a cryin shoulder. This could be the last time that you will stand by my side. I can feel my soul its bleeding; will you fly with me this evening?
a petty maze of emptyness, I've said the hell with all the rest...
I'm sick of peoples bullshit. I'm sick of peoples lies. I'm sick of all the crimes and how often the children that call themselves men and women cry. Fucking aristoi. How many of you damn middle class and rich folk know my life?
How many of you remember shoving a fat basterd off and into a tile wall and seeing it crack; even though you got the chance to fight just a little to late, see the loose belt buckle - one fragment of a memory dangling just as loosely into your mind and pull at it as you may it never seems to come back to you.
And people wonder why I've got a harsh jagged edge to a part of me.
3 doors down - So I need you.
Yeah, I havn't forgotten you, oathbreaker and foresworn. Four months later you married some fucker. years later and I still have pains from it; much like my leg. and I *KNOW* a future I'd worked for so hard will never be... because an integral part of me was broken and it didn't heal quite straight, and i can never do things that way again. I'm not strong enough anymore...
I'm weak, and I'm broken, and I'm a sad excuse for everything I wanted to be... I have a black wisdom it seems to me sometimes; a wisdom learned through failure and not through success, but I find that even though I am cynical for myself I hope for the fools, that they won't learn because they'll succeed and be happier then I've ever been.
Been fighting my entire life. Will it ever be anything for me but a fight?
...I'm so damn lonely. It should be below freezing now outside.
I think I'll go smoke a cigarette without a jacket on.
smoking.. one more thing I once swore I'd never do... but, the me that swore died so many times. How does one deal with that? Flick the match, watch the flame.. exorcize your pain... right. I wish it could be so simple.