This is the moment / Confrontation
Life has gotten a bit more interesting in the last few days. Not interesting in a good way, but interesting in the "Thank you sir, may I have another?" way. And by the last few days, I mean the month of March. Fate went all Ides of March up and down my ass.
Academic - I'm graduating in summer semester now. This was made official on March 15th. Another four months in this psyche-destroying hellhole? Joy. Anyway, I can blame this one on an uncooperative piece of lab equipment that refused to give me data in a timely manner before that decision and began working the following Monday. That little trick, followed by a request for a cover letter and resume for a position that would be a dream job for me, prompted a nervous breakdown on March 21st. I couldn't stop crying for an hour after I read the request, and I don't think I'm quite out of the depressive funk yet. I just remember thinking as I read the request, "Great. Another thing I have to do that interferes with my dissertation that I can get yelled at about." And then I remember crying a lot. As ready as I am to get out of here, I'm not ready to get out of here. Speaking with a psychiatrist friend of mine, I'm exhibiting a classic 'fear of freedom' response. Among many other things, which have been manifesting lately as those in the area will attest, but that's the predominant one.
Social - Still no idea why I'm viewed as antisocial for not wanting to deal with people after working in a lab 8-6 five days a week. I need decompression time, dammit. When I don't get decompression time, I start feeling trapped and cornered and Martin comes out to play. And Martin coming out to play means I lose a couple of days getting him back under control. Thank you for asking if I want to do something, but trying to wheedle me into it after I say no will get you hung up on, sworn at, or your nose busted when I close my door on it HARD. This doesn't mean stop asking me - it just means don't ask me knowingly more than once if I say no. If I say I'll get back to you, remind me of that when you call me back to remind me that I forgot and I promise I'll try not to go postal on you. Anyway, WoW is still WoW, Shadowrun gets irritating when people insist on violating the core concept of the game (running without a key component of the team means we're violating that core team component, no matter how spectacularly we do in the Kobayashi Maru), Amber gets boring when I'm useless by virtue of lineage (being important in Amber means nothing in a war between Avalonia and Brand's Pattern), and I'm going back to bridge because I'm apparently being missed. Student Dance Association is going through political growing pains - the main leadership backed out on it and it landed in my lap a month before our spring performance. The dances are coming along fine, and the camaraderie is nice, but I hate politics these days. No matter that I still play the game, I hate doing it. Maybe a sign that I'm either growing up or growing old (probably the latter, as I remember abandoning teenage ideals before I was a teenager)?
Personal - I'm just going to repost the last section here because it fits better than ever. I feel like I'm caught in a vicious cats' cradle scenario. Hopelessly tangled in the strands of human connection, there's not going to be a good way for me to make a clean exit from the area come graduation, whenever that is. I blame myself for not being enough of an asshole. I don't tell people what they need to hear, I tell them what they want to hear. And I've done that for so long in most cases that there's now way to start now without being unnecessarily cruel. In the few cases where I know I have to move on because of various social situations that have come about, I can't bring myself to set up the clean severance I know the situation demands. Damn. It's gotten to the point where I'm planning my weekend travel schedules around major events so I have an excuse to not be around for them. I know, I'm pathetic. But if I told all the people that needed it to F*** Off And Die, none of them would listen and they'd proceed to make me feel miserable for telling them that. And they'd have a point. So it's time to batten down and weather things out.
You scored as Neo, the "One". Neo is the computer hacker-turned-Messiah of the Matrix. He leads a small group of human rebels against the technology that controls them. Neo doubts his ability to lead but doesn't want to disappoint his friends. His goal is for a world where all men know the Truth and are free from the bonds of the Matrix.
Neo, the "One"
83%
The Terminator
75%
Maximus
63%
The Amazing Spider-Man
63%
William Wallace
50%
Captain Jack Sparrow
46%
Indiana Jones
46%
Batman, the Dark Knight
46%
Lara Croft
46%
James Bond, Agent 007
38%
El Zorro
25%
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com
THIS IS THE MOMENT - Jekyll and Hyde
JEKYLL:
This is the moment!
This is the day,
When I send all my doubts and demons
On their way!
Every endeavor,
I have made - ever -
Is coming into play,
Is here and now - today!
This is the moment,
This is the time,
When the momentum and the moment
Are in rhyme!
Give me this moment -
This precious chance -
I'll gather up my past
And make some sense at last!
This is the moment,
When all I've done -
All the dreaming,
Scheming and screaming,
Become one!
This is the day -
See it sparkle and shine,
When all I've lived for
Becomes mine!
For all these years,
I've faced the world alone,
And now the time has come
To prove to them
I've made it on my own!
This is the moment -
My final test -
Destiny beckoned,
I never reckoned,
Second Best!
I won't look down,
I must not fall!
This is the moment,
The sweetest moment of them all!
This is the moment!
Damn all the odds!
This day, or never,
I'll sit forever
With the gods!
When I look back,
I will always recall,
Moment for moment,
This was the moment,
The greatest moment
Of them all!
CONFRONTATION - Jekyll and Hyde
JEKYLL:
Lost in the darkness,
Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning,
Now endless night.
I will find the answer.
I'll never desert you -
I promise you this -
Till the day that I...
HYDE:
Do you really think
That I would ever let you go?
Do you think I'd ever set you free?
If you do, I'm sad to say,
It simply isn't so.
You will never get away from me!
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is a face in the mirror!
I close my eyes and you'll disappear!
HYDE:
I'm what you face
When you face in the mirror!
Long as you live, I will still be here!
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is the end of a nightmare!
All that you are is a dying scream!
After tonight,
I shall end this demon dream!
HYDE:
This is not a dream, my friend -
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend -
And I'll flourish, long after you're gone!
JEKYLL:
Soon you will die,
And my silence will hide you!
You cannot choose but to lose control.
HYDE:
You can't control me!
I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!
JEKYLL:
I don't need to survive,
As you need me!
I'll become whole
As you dance with death!
And I'll rejoice
As you breathe your final breath!
HYDE:
I'll live inside you forever!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
With Satan himself by my side!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to separate
Jekyll from Hyde!
JEKYLL:
Can't you see
It's over now?
It's time to die!
HYDE:
No, not I!
Only you!
JEKYLL:
If I die,
You die, too!
HYDE:
You'll die in me
I'll be you!
JEKYLL:
Damn you, Hyde!
Set me free!
HYDE:
Can't you see
You are me?
JEKYLL:
No!
Deep inside-!
HYDE:
I am you!
You are Hyde!
JEKYLL:
No - Never!
HYDE:
Yes, forever!
JEKYLL:
Good damn you, Hyde!
Take all your evil deeds,
And rot in hell!
HYDE:
I'll see you there, Jekyll!
JEKYLL:
Never!