picking bones.
why am i obsessed with this song? i seriously can't take it off repeat. one of those cusp-of-day-and-night songs. i imagine the music video to be a really pretty flash production, using photographs and vector graphics. like a Ralph Lauren ad you'd see on MTV or something. hehe i don't mean to mock the song; it's really very pretty - sad and sensual.
FSA ELECTIONS
excitement to see who gets what; apprehension of my own capabilities as an actor to represent the acting aspect of FSA; fear for the success of People Power next year; doubt about next year's PCC script and who gets to write it; exhilaration that i get to partake in the whole process one more time; pessimism for the rest of FSA and how they probably won't understand next year's PCC either; crippling fear i will become a control freak. because i can already feel it.
i'm sorry, i really really am... but i have to say it: every-fucking-body around me is coupling up and it's somewhat sickening. i'm not hating on couples in general, but must everyone around me rub it in my face?
am i repulsive? no. i know i'm not. there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. this might sound weird, but i actually think i'm pretty damn cool. too bad i'm the only one that thinks so.
i probably wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend anyway. i'm too self-sufficient.
guys don't really see me as anything with potential anyway. i'm too much of a "buddy".
i don't know if anyone knows, or has picked up on it but i can be remarkably arrogant. and i try to hide it. it all started around Hell Weeks for PCC where i had to play that stupid bitch Leslie (whom my mom disliked too, by the way) and my pride came on the line when i realized the banality of her existence in the play. at first i just felt neglected. then Calvin apologized for giving me the role, but that didn't change anything. no one else would have played her, although i'm sure someone else could have done a better job. (OMG I'M STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT PCC). then when the "fruitcake" changes didn't go into effect, i did feel very greatly for tech, but after that i felt like i was just shat upon. by everyone. unimportant, insiginificant, of no consequence to PCC or People Power. and i sank into a depression, that ran well into PCC, and afterward, coupled with PCC-withdrawal, which accounts for my poor delivery during PCC. or maybe i'm just a bad actor in general and i can't tell. because a good actor wouldn't have let it show, and i practically branded it onto myself. anyway... i'm better now. wonderful actually. two great past weekends and i feel like Denise again, but a better one. near invincible, verging on untouchable.
i feel pushed away, so now all i want to do is push back. and this is dangerous, considering i'm only imagining being pushed. so i'm essentially hurting people who're completely harmless.
but i tire of speaking in metaphors. so lemme just say: absolutely NO ONE else is invited to the One-Woman Dateless Losers Chapter in Santa Cruz. trust me, that's not a metaphor.
hah "shat upon"...
FSA ELECTIONS
excitement to see who gets what; apprehension of my own capabilities as an actor to represent the acting aspect of FSA; fear for the success of People Power next year; doubt about next year's PCC script and who gets to write it; exhilaration that i get to partake in the whole process one more time; pessimism for the rest of FSA and how they probably won't understand next year's PCC either; crippling fear i will become a control freak. because i can already feel it.
i'm sorry, i really really am... but i have to say it: every-fucking-body around me is coupling up and it's somewhat sickening. i'm not hating on couples in general, but must everyone around me rub it in my face?
am i repulsive? no. i know i'm not. there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. this might sound weird, but i actually think i'm pretty damn cool. too bad i'm the only one that thinks so.
i probably wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend anyway. i'm too self-sufficient.
guys don't really see me as anything with potential anyway. i'm too much of a "buddy".
i don't know if anyone knows, or has picked up on it but i can be remarkably arrogant. and i try to hide it. it all started around Hell Weeks for PCC where i had to play that stupid bitch Leslie (whom my mom disliked too, by the way) and my pride came on the line when i realized the banality of her existence in the play. at first i just felt neglected. then Calvin apologized for giving me the role, but that didn't change anything. no one else would have played her, although i'm sure someone else could have done a better job. (OMG I'M STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT PCC). then when the "fruitcake" changes didn't go into effect, i did feel very greatly for tech, but after that i felt like i was just shat upon. by everyone. unimportant, insiginificant, of no consequence to PCC or People Power. and i sank into a depression, that ran well into PCC, and afterward, coupled with PCC-withdrawal, which accounts for my poor delivery during PCC. or maybe i'm just a bad actor in general and i can't tell. because a good actor wouldn't have let it show, and i practically branded it onto myself. anyway... i'm better now. wonderful actually. two great past weekends and i feel like Denise again, but a better one. near invincible, verging on untouchable.
i feel pushed away, so now all i want to do is push back. and this is dangerous, considering i'm only imagining being pushed. so i'm essentially hurting people who're completely harmless.
but i tire of speaking in metaphors. so lemme just say: absolutely NO ONE else is invited to the One-Woman Dateless Losers Chapter in Santa Cruz. trust me, that's not a metaphor.
hah "shat upon"...