Some Noteable Events
So yesterday was my Tuesday night NA meeting. It's pretty awesome, and I recommend everyone going because it's an open meeting, meaning everyone is invited. I saw Donnarynn's brother and his girlfriend there, which was pretty cool. Afterwards, I ended up going to Harbor House with Jason, his gf, Ryan, Aaron, and some chick I ended up giving a ride home. It was fun there. We all caught up with each other's lives and got to know each other fairly well. You know, bitched about our problems and found out everyone has gone through the same thing at some point or another and could still find something to complain about. After that I drove the ryan and the chick home and ended up getting lost on my way back to Aliso Viejo. I finally got back and dropped Jason and his gf off, but I went inside to say hello and the first person I see happens to be Donnarynn.
It's pretty strange seeing her after such a long time. If you know my history with her, then you know why. Maybe I'll post it later on, I don't know of anyone that actually reads this. Still, I heard from her brother that she's been barricaded in her room for just about forever. It makes me start again. That and I miss her. Maybe just a little bit, but that's also why I've been trying to keep my distance. I don't like this angst! I want it gone! It's muddied my mind and I want to think clearly. I've got too much other shit to spend my mental capacity worrying about silly shit like her. Heh, if only my heart spoke with the convictions of my mind. She's probably going to end up getting a song written about her, though I highly doubt I'll ever tell her. I kind of want to get her to hang out with us again. It looks like she's getting cabin fever and I want to see if anything's changed. If it has, then I'll be able to let it go. Unless the being concerned is a symptom rather than a cause. In which case I'm back to square one with the uncertainty. Fuck it. Run down the hill and learn to walk in the process.
Speaking of hanging out with people, I found out that Sean thinks I'm mad at him. Which solidifies my certainty that I've been subconsciously leaning towards anti-social events. Now I'm concerned because I don't like it when people think I'm annoyed with them or something and I'm not. It makes me feel guilty. My lack of sleep hasn't been helping much, compounding my guilt for giving him any reason to consider the posibility that I'm mad at him. He has been helping me keep my distance from Jamie though, which has been helpful. I think I'm done with keeping my distance though. Not so much because I'm over it, but because I don't feel I have anything to lose at all.
If it weren't for music, I'd have let the beast from it cage a long time ago. luckily, the bars are becoming stronger the closer I get to leaving. I still see things in terms of what I'll miss when I leave. I want to miss everything, but I know it's not going to be like that. I want to be able to be a part of everyone's life after I leave, but I know I'm only going to remain in contact with a handful of peple. Lately I've been becoming more pessimistic though. Sometimes I just want to curl up in the fetal position for a couple hours until the screaming in my head stops. It's never been this bad before. The positive side of my cynicism is that I don't feel I have anything to lose that I wouldn't have lost anyways. With such an epiphany, I don't always know when to stop. I also don't quite clearly know what to do.
As for today, the only real occurance I have to mention is tutorial. Jamie was in there and it's probably the first time I've felt like hiding in a long time. Unfortunately, the best way I know how to hide is in plain sight. So I heard everything she was saying and all the jokes she's been making. I know they're jokes, but only partially. She's become so flirtatious and promiscuous it makes me wonder if she ever thought we had something worth having. I do. Even if only for a while. Then I ruined it by asking her if she would consider marrying me. Stupid, silly me. She didn't want to. Later she decided she did, but the damage had been done. Going over our relationship again and again, I've come to the conclusion that the moment she said no was the moment our relationship was doomed. I don't mind an open relationship so long as I can have a little peace of mind in knowing that my significant other values me more than anyone else s/he might do something with. To me, marriage is a belief that I'll want to commit myself to my partner and actively work on our relationship, and that my partner will do the same. Which is why I'm in such denial that gay people getting married would fundamentally damage the foundation of marriage. but that's a topic for another time. So I tried to hint to Ryan I wanted to talk to him alone by telling him to come to the dark room so we could do a lightshow, but he didn't get it. So he brought Lolly and Jamie along. I normally would have just whispered in his ear but I didn't want Lolly or Jamie to know I was having issues. Which I probably failed at. Regardless, he brought them along and we did a lightshow for a while until my head got to noisy for me to bear. I left, and they ended up following me out again. So I grabbed Charby's iPod and listened to it at deafening volumes and read a book until the end of tutorial. I don't like showing my desires to be antisocial. It's not how I usually act and gives curiosity to people who don't really give a damn. I don't like letting a lot of people in. I have enough trust issues as it is.
It's pretty strange seeing her after such a long time. If you know my history with her, then you know why. Maybe I'll post it later on, I don't know of anyone that actually reads this. Still, I heard from her brother that she's been barricaded in her room for just about forever. It makes me start again. That and I miss her. Maybe just a little bit, but that's also why I've been trying to keep my distance. I don't like this angst! I want it gone! It's muddied my mind and I want to think clearly. I've got too much other shit to spend my mental capacity worrying about silly shit like her. Heh, if only my heart spoke with the convictions of my mind. She's probably going to end up getting a song written about her, though I highly doubt I'll ever tell her. I kind of want to get her to hang out with us again. It looks like she's getting cabin fever and I want to see if anything's changed. If it has, then I'll be able to let it go. Unless the being concerned is a symptom rather than a cause. In which case I'm back to square one with the uncertainty. Fuck it. Run down the hill and learn to walk in the process.
Speaking of hanging out with people, I found out that Sean thinks I'm mad at him. Which solidifies my certainty that I've been subconsciously leaning towards anti-social events. Now I'm concerned because I don't like it when people think I'm annoyed with them or something and I'm not. It makes me feel guilty. My lack of sleep hasn't been helping much, compounding my guilt for giving him any reason to consider the posibility that I'm mad at him. He has been helping me keep my distance from Jamie though, which has been helpful. I think I'm done with keeping my distance though. Not so much because I'm over it, but because I don't feel I have anything to lose at all.
If it weren't for music, I'd have let the beast from it cage a long time ago. luckily, the bars are becoming stronger the closer I get to leaving. I still see things in terms of what I'll miss when I leave. I want to miss everything, but I know it's not going to be like that. I want to be able to be a part of everyone's life after I leave, but I know I'm only going to remain in contact with a handful of peple. Lately I've been becoming more pessimistic though. Sometimes I just want to curl up in the fetal position for a couple hours until the screaming in my head stops. It's never been this bad before. The positive side of my cynicism is that I don't feel I have anything to lose that I wouldn't have lost anyways. With such an epiphany, I don't always know when to stop. I also don't quite clearly know what to do.
As for today, the only real occurance I have to mention is tutorial. Jamie was in there and it's probably the first time I've felt like hiding in a long time. Unfortunately, the best way I know how to hide is in plain sight. So I heard everything she was saying and all the jokes she's been making. I know they're jokes, but only partially. She's become so flirtatious and promiscuous it makes me wonder if she ever thought we had something worth having. I do. Even if only for a while. Then I ruined it by asking her if she would consider marrying me. Stupid, silly me. She didn't want to. Later she decided she did, but the damage had been done. Going over our relationship again and again, I've come to the conclusion that the moment she said no was the moment our relationship was doomed. I don't mind an open relationship so long as I can have a little peace of mind in knowing that my significant other values me more than anyone else s/he might do something with. To me, marriage is a belief that I'll want to commit myself to my partner and actively work on our relationship, and that my partner will do the same. Which is why I'm in such denial that gay people getting married would fundamentally damage the foundation of marriage. but that's a topic for another time. So I tried to hint to Ryan I wanted to talk to him alone by telling him to come to the dark room so we could do a lightshow, but he didn't get it. So he brought Lolly and Jamie along. I normally would have just whispered in his ear but I didn't want Lolly or Jamie to know I was having issues. Which I probably failed at. Regardless, he brought them along and we did a lightshow for a while until my head got to noisy for me to bear. I left, and they ended up following me out again. So I grabbed Charby's iPod and listened to it at deafening volumes and read a book until the end of tutorial. I don't like showing my desires to be antisocial. It's not how I usually act and gives curiosity to people who don't really give a damn. I don't like letting a lot of people in. I have enough trust issues as it is.