some crazy shit I found while cruising around LJ
i found these all posted in shouldntbefunny
I hope it's cool that I'm spreading the insanity here as well
besides, these were so funny I had to send a copy of them to my husband as well
Mike can prolly use the laughter anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .
and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . .
he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"...
and THAT'S when the fight started . .
The Knob
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift, forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon.
"All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Purina Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck . She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful , sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a
stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story...
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
I hope it's cool that I'm spreading the insanity here as well
besides, these were so funny I had to send a copy of them to my husband as well
Mike can prolly use the laughter anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .
and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . .
he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"...
and THAT'S when the fight started . .
The Knob
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift, forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon.
"All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Purina Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck . She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful , sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a
stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story...
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.