(no subject)
Who am I fucking trying to kid? Why do I bother trying to put up my facade when it's all just a lie. I've finally hit my breaking point. And no....I'm not saying I'm gonna run off and shoot myself or anything. I can't understand why life just has to be this hard. Maybe it doesn't seem like my lif is hard. Maybe it does. But I know how I feel, and that's what hurts the most. I finally hit the point where I just started to cry. I haven't cried like this in a long time. So much of my world is falling down around me and I don't have the strength to pick it all back up. To anyone that I've pissed off lately: I am truly and deeply sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone and I'm sure you guys know that....or at least i hope you do. I'm sorry that my strength died and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you guys when you needed me the most. I feel like I'm on this tiny little rock just floating through space with no purpose except to just exsist. *screams to the gods* I'M FUCKING SICK OF JUST EXSISTING. Besides my friends and family I have nothing. Quite literally nothing. This is a time in life where a lot of people i know would tell me to look for God or something else to pray to or worship, but what have they done for me? Not a whole lot. I go to church every week hoping for an answer that I know I'll never find. Not in this lifetime anyways. These past four years something in me has died a little more each day and I'm not sure what that something is but I have a good guess. I bottle things up so much. SO much and I know it. So many people yell at me for it but what am I supposed to do when I feel like I'm gonna puke every time i try to talk to someone. I can't help it. In high school I had a giant mask to hide behind. I could make myself out to be something I wasn't. I could have a big reputation for being "Tough". Now I'm still trying to live behind that mask and maybe part of me IS tough but I'm not what people made me out to be. I'm not what I made me out to be. I'm just me. Krystal always told me I was like a rock. She told me that I could always weather anything. And for a long time I believed her. I kept telling myself I was strong so that I wouldn't have to feel otherwise. But I was wrong. I've always been the one to help people (and no I'm not complaining) because that's what I thought I was good at, but all I was doing was running away from my own greif. I was running away from the real person that I am. I tried so hard for so long to put a happy face on and just trudge on and even that failed a lot of the time. But when people tried to help me I just pushed them away. I always tried to just suck it up and deal with it and when the time came to get help I pushed that away too. I lied to those stupid shrinks because I didn't want to go to a hospital, because I didn't want to be put on drugs. I lied to save my life....or so I thought. I didn't want people to think I was some psycho depressive person but many of you saw through me. I'm so grateful for all the people in my life that have ever been there for me. You guys will never know how much you've changed my life.
I was talking to a friend of mine a couple days ago and we were talking about low self esteem and I explained to them my reasons for my low self esteem and those reasons weren't good enough for them. They didn't put it like that but that was the jist of it. Supposedly I have no good reason to be upset and no good reason for my sense of self-hatred. But to me I do. He tried to make me laugh about me being raped. Which may sound cruel but it was almost rather humerous. He told me that if that guy hadn't wanted me so bad to have sex with me then he wouldn't have raped me at all. Heh. I guess I can almost believe that but then I really started to think about it. If a guy wanted sex badly enough and was crazed enough that he was going to rape someone he wouldn't care enough to be picky. He'd just pick an easy victim and just do it. But enough of that. This post has gone on long enough. I'm done now...
I was talking to a friend of mine a couple days ago and we were talking about low self esteem and I explained to them my reasons for my low self esteem and those reasons weren't good enough for them. They didn't put it like that but that was the jist of it. Supposedly I have no good reason to be upset and no good reason for my sense of self-hatred. But to me I do. He tried to make me laugh about me being raped. Which may sound cruel but it was almost rather humerous. He told me that if that guy hadn't wanted me so bad to have sex with me then he wouldn't have raped me at all. Heh. I guess I can almost believe that but then I really started to think about it. If a guy wanted sex badly enough and was crazed enough that he was going to rape someone he wouldn't care enough to be picky. He'd just pick an easy victim and just do it. But enough of that. This post has gone on long enough. I'm done now...