(no subject)
Okay!
So.
Time to vent a little.
YAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Not ONLY did I get the stereo that mom promised, (an incredibly sexy little thing from Brookstone with wafer-thin speakers and a subwoofer the size of my torso) but also a fantasticly, beautiful, wondeful, happiness, dream-fulfilling CD burner AND a new photo printer that will print covers for the CDs! OMFG!
So happy about that. Fantastic presents from the buds, too. Apparently, everybody likes fondue. I got all sorts of stuff, the best of which includes a Monty Python Sings album from Liz and Thelma and Louise, from Kelsey. I made sure that the girls got to see Jon and Ewan kissing in VG. Kelsey very much appreciated it. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the moans meant that the others liked it as well.
We also watched the part in Thelma and Louise when you can see everything but Brad's winkie. WOW. He looks so YOUNG! Jeebus! and SKIIIIIINY!!! He was ripped, but puny. He still looked like a kid! Wow. In a cowboy hat. Yes. That makes me happy. Very, very, veryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryvery happy. Brad can undress whenever he wants. He is beautiful.
Uuuuhh, OH! Guilt trip the other night from mom before the winter band concert. Yeah, so we were sitting in the Houston's right by school, since we didn't have time to go home between school and the concert. Houston's has become a ritual for us. Anyway, I realized quite suddenly that I'd left my brand new $2100 flute on the floor in the hall of the main school building. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. Mom was so angry with me for being idiotic. I have to say, I was already feeling like a total schmuck (it wasn't the first thing I'd forgotten that day) and she was NOT helping. She gave me this entire lecture about how irresponsable and uncaring I am. She told me that I'd hurt dad's feelings the night before at practice when I tried to correct him, since we were doing an activity together and he was doing it wrong. He did what he always does, which is roll his eyes at me and then turn away, which is possibly the worst thing he could do, because it's EXACTLY what I would have done. My dad and I butt heads quite often lately, and the problem is, that we're both so damned stubborn that niether of us will ever let down until the other is frustrated into silence or tears. -Sigh- Anyway, back to the concert report. I left the car about an hour early, being that I couldn't sit with my mother for another hour staring at my feet in silence as she listened to NPR and occasionally jabbed at me. I took my bag and my dress and got some work done.
Concert was good. Dad came, and we played Inchon, which was fucking cool with the helicopter effects. 'Nuff said about that.
Took a chemistry test this week. Uh...85, baby! Yeah! And I TOTALLY thought I'd failed! Way to go me! I even got a 'good' on the last problem, which meant, as Mr. Dingle expained to us, that "It was the first one I'd read after a whole lot that made any coherent sense whatsoever, and it was refreshing." So I was happy about that.
A little disaster today. I got a 5 of 10 on my final English proposal for my final english exam project this year. That means that the top score I can get now is a 95, which scares the SHIT out of me. I really had my hopes set on an A, but whenever I went to talk to Mrs. Roberts, she always answered my questions with more questions, so I was MORE confused than when I'd come to her in the first place! Ungh. Mom suggested that for the next time, I go to one of the other english teachers that's familiar with me, Mrs. Saral - my homeroom teacher. She also taught both Sada and Em. I dunno. It scared the shit out of me, and I was trying not to cry in english today when I got it back. It was not at all the direction she'd wanted for the damned thing, and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to make up the points.
I also got a 79 on a math test. I was so fucking angry at myself at that time that I just wanted to curl up in a hole and die. Mr. Gough (math teacher) is such a fucking ass. He's a stickler! I put down the right answers, but he took off because they were in the wrong form that EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD USES!!!
Argh. Okay.
100 on English vocab quiz.
200 on combined spanish vocab quizzes.
That's enough about that.
Now on to the real story.
So at the party on Saturday night, Jo forgot to bring my present. I said it was fine, that she shouldn't worry, and she should just bring it to school whenever she had time.
Hence--Tuesday.
So, the present was a box of knives. Eccentric, but hey, I'm eccentric, right? Anyway, I was showing them off in Don's office when Kelsey walks in, then promptly walks out again. I didn't notice. Travis, though, did. IMMEDIATELY she gets up and yells at me to put the box away. I asked her why, and she said it was because, "Kelsey doesn't like them." Okay, now, for the past few years, Kelsey has been cutting herself. HOWEVER, I believed, since she had not done so in several months (over a year, I believe.) or at least didn't let me see what she'd done to herself, that the problem was resolved. Either way, I didn't find Travis' explanation satisfactory, so I asked her again why she wanted me to put them away, and she wouldn't explain.
Okay, so, whoever wants me to do something without good reason isn't going to get what they want. Logical? I think so.
I played with them with some of the other kids for a little while longer, then put them away. Travis promptly calls to Kelsey, who is outside like a whimpering puppy. "It's okay, Kelsey! You can come in now!"
I was personally like, "What the fuck?"
Either way, they wouldn't explain to me until Kelsey and I were headed towards Cambell for Chemistry. We were in the tunnel and she leaned down and pulled up her pant leg to show me some fresh, not deep, but MANY cuts all over her knee. I was shocked. I had NO idea. Either way, she treated what I had done as if I had done it on purpose. I apologized, but to a point. It was not my fault, seeing as I thought that the issue was over with. She just sort of sighed, like I didn't understand anything, and walked off. I followed her.
Later on, I walked back down to Don's and Travis came out of the office and smacked me on the arm. Hard. I was like, "Jesus! What the fuck was that for?!" She said, "That was for hurting my friend's feelings."
I almost punched her.
I have neer come so close.
Is is just me, or was she implying that I was no friend of Kelsey's? I think so. Anyway, I ALSO told her that I had had no idea, and that I had thought the issue was resolved AND apologized. Again. Even though I probably shouldn't have. Travis responded that, "Things like this don't just 'go away'." Once again, THIS close to smacking her. Who the hell does she think she is?! Dr. LAURA!? Jesus!
Argh. People seem to think that I'm just a heartless, idiotic bitch this week, and my grades have sort of been confirming it. I realized the other day that I was also hitting people far too hard. I kicked Kelsey incredibly hard for making me look pretty stupid the other day, and I slapped Rachel's thigh. I felt horribly guilty, and today, when Rachel asked for me to slap her hand (playfully) I told her no, "'Cause I don't hit no more." She asked if it was because of Don yelling at me for slapping Rachel's thigh so hard (he actually just told me that I had to be a lot nicer to her.) I told her that that was partially the case.
I know shit like this is gonna happen again. I know I'm going to hit somebody too hard, and I know that one day, I'm going to push my dad too far and say something I regret. I also know that it's possible I might lose one of these friends, but like hell if I'm just going to continue like shit and let it hit me. I'm gonna resist with everything I've got.
Rachel's been a bit too clingy lately. It's all a big joke to her, but every time she hugs me, she has to brush up against me and it bothers me so much. No, God knows I'm not homophobic, but it was just too much contact. It's very uncomfortable to be in such a situation. Anyway, I told her no to a hug today, 'cause I knew she'd do it. She's always threatening to "violently molest me in my sleep." It was funny the first ten times, and now it's just lost it's humor for me. She and Adrienne are constantly snuggling, and it's a little disgusting. -Sighs- I dunno. Enough about that.
On to something a little happier, and hopefully the final note of this fucking LONG post:
Thank God for Anji.
I had a total meltdown last night. This week has come to a culminating message to me that I am a stupid, weak, and brutish person who doesn't even respect her own parents.
Anji let me talk to her and vent to her for a long time last night, and she made some very good suggestions.
She made me feel a hell of a lot better, and I would have had a much harder time getting through without her.
I had a breakdown after my lesson yesterday. I didn't know why, but it felt like everything I did was wrong, even though I know maestro's only trying to help by telling me what I've done wrong. I realize now that it has been the consequences of this week that gave me the breakdown, but I'm feeling much better now, thanks to Anji.
Somehow, whenever I vent to Anji, I just KNOW she understands, which is almost never true with anybody else but my mother. I love Rachel, but she is not quite mature enough right now, and besides, she's having a hard time herself--that I know. I can't vent my problems to her. Kelsey would laugh, and personally, I'm beginning to hate Travis. Mom wouldn't understand the school stuff.
Anji does.
She knows that I'm speaking from the heart when I talk to her, and she tells me not what I need to hear, but what she thinks I should do. What she would do. And I can trust her on that, seeing everything she's been through.
Candi and Anji are always there for me, and I felt bad for not being able to help Candi much recently with NC. I'm going to try to work harder.
For all the fucked up things that happened this week, it's inspired me to work harder.
Damn.
So.
Time to vent a little.
YAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Not ONLY did I get the stereo that mom promised, (an incredibly sexy little thing from Brookstone with wafer-thin speakers and a subwoofer the size of my torso) but also a fantasticly, beautiful, wondeful, happiness, dream-fulfilling CD burner AND a new photo printer that will print covers for the CDs! OMFG!
So happy about that. Fantastic presents from the buds, too. Apparently, everybody likes fondue. I got all sorts of stuff, the best of which includes a Monty Python Sings album from Liz and Thelma and Louise, from Kelsey. I made sure that the girls got to see Jon and Ewan kissing in VG. Kelsey very much appreciated it. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the moans meant that the others liked it as well.
We also watched the part in Thelma and Louise when you can see everything but Brad's winkie. WOW. He looks so YOUNG! Jeebus! and SKIIIIIINY!!! He was ripped, but puny. He still looked like a kid! Wow. In a cowboy hat. Yes. That makes me happy. Very, very, veryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryvery happy. Brad can undress whenever he wants. He is beautiful.
Uuuuhh, OH! Guilt trip the other night from mom before the winter band concert. Yeah, so we were sitting in the Houston's right by school, since we didn't have time to go home between school and the concert. Houston's has become a ritual for us. Anyway, I realized quite suddenly that I'd left my brand new $2100 flute on the floor in the hall of the main school building. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. Mom was so angry with me for being idiotic. I have to say, I was already feeling like a total schmuck (it wasn't the first thing I'd forgotten that day) and she was NOT helping. She gave me this entire lecture about how irresponsable and uncaring I am. She told me that I'd hurt dad's feelings the night before at practice when I tried to correct him, since we were doing an activity together and he was doing it wrong. He did what he always does, which is roll his eyes at me and then turn away, which is possibly the worst thing he could do, because it's EXACTLY what I would have done. My dad and I butt heads quite often lately, and the problem is, that we're both so damned stubborn that niether of us will ever let down until the other is frustrated into silence or tears. -Sigh- Anyway, back to the concert report. I left the car about an hour early, being that I couldn't sit with my mother for another hour staring at my feet in silence as she listened to NPR and occasionally jabbed at me. I took my bag and my dress and got some work done.
Concert was good. Dad came, and we played Inchon, which was fucking cool with the helicopter effects. 'Nuff said about that.
Took a chemistry test this week. Uh...85, baby! Yeah! And I TOTALLY thought I'd failed! Way to go me! I even got a 'good' on the last problem, which meant, as Mr. Dingle expained to us, that "It was the first one I'd read after a whole lot that made any coherent sense whatsoever, and it was refreshing." So I was happy about that.
A little disaster today. I got a 5 of 10 on my final English proposal for my final english exam project this year. That means that the top score I can get now is a 95, which scares the SHIT out of me. I really had my hopes set on an A, but whenever I went to talk to Mrs. Roberts, she always answered my questions with more questions, so I was MORE confused than when I'd come to her in the first place! Ungh. Mom suggested that for the next time, I go to one of the other english teachers that's familiar with me, Mrs. Saral - my homeroom teacher. She also taught both Sada and Em. I dunno. It scared the shit out of me, and I was trying not to cry in english today when I got it back. It was not at all the direction she'd wanted for the damned thing, and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to make up the points.
I also got a 79 on a math test. I was so fucking angry at myself at that time that I just wanted to curl up in a hole and die. Mr. Gough (math teacher) is such a fucking ass. He's a stickler! I put down the right answers, but he took off because they were in the wrong form that EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD USES!!!
Argh. Okay.
100 on English vocab quiz.
200 on combined spanish vocab quizzes.
That's enough about that.
Now on to the real story.
So at the party on Saturday night, Jo forgot to bring my present. I said it was fine, that she shouldn't worry, and she should just bring it to school whenever she had time.
Hence--Tuesday.
So, the present was a box of knives. Eccentric, but hey, I'm eccentric, right? Anyway, I was showing them off in Don's office when Kelsey walks in, then promptly walks out again. I didn't notice. Travis, though, did. IMMEDIATELY she gets up and yells at me to put the box away. I asked her why, and she said it was because, "Kelsey doesn't like them." Okay, now, for the past few years, Kelsey has been cutting herself. HOWEVER, I believed, since she had not done so in several months (over a year, I believe.) or at least didn't let me see what she'd done to herself, that the problem was resolved. Either way, I didn't find Travis' explanation satisfactory, so I asked her again why she wanted me to put them away, and she wouldn't explain.
Okay, so, whoever wants me to do something without good reason isn't going to get what they want. Logical? I think so.
I played with them with some of the other kids for a little while longer, then put them away. Travis promptly calls to Kelsey, who is outside like a whimpering puppy. "It's okay, Kelsey! You can come in now!"
I was personally like, "What the fuck?"
Either way, they wouldn't explain to me until Kelsey and I were headed towards Cambell for Chemistry. We were in the tunnel and she leaned down and pulled up her pant leg to show me some fresh, not deep, but MANY cuts all over her knee. I was shocked. I had NO idea. Either way, she treated what I had done as if I had done it on purpose. I apologized, but to a point. It was not my fault, seeing as I thought that the issue was over with. She just sort of sighed, like I didn't understand anything, and walked off. I followed her.
Later on, I walked back down to Don's and Travis came out of the office and smacked me on the arm. Hard. I was like, "Jesus! What the fuck was that for?!" She said, "That was for hurting my friend's feelings."
I almost punched her.
I have neer come so close.
Is is just me, or was she implying that I was no friend of Kelsey's? I think so. Anyway, I ALSO told her that I had had no idea, and that I had thought the issue was resolved AND apologized. Again. Even though I probably shouldn't have. Travis responded that, "Things like this don't just 'go away'." Once again, THIS close to smacking her. Who the hell does she think she is?! Dr. LAURA!? Jesus!
Argh. People seem to think that I'm just a heartless, idiotic bitch this week, and my grades have sort of been confirming it. I realized the other day that I was also hitting people far too hard. I kicked Kelsey incredibly hard for making me look pretty stupid the other day, and I slapped Rachel's thigh. I felt horribly guilty, and today, when Rachel asked for me to slap her hand (playfully) I told her no, "'Cause I don't hit no more." She asked if it was because of Don yelling at me for slapping Rachel's thigh so hard (he actually just told me that I had to be a lot nicer to her.) I told her that that was partially the case.
I know shit like this is gonna happen again. I know I'm going to hit somebody too hard, and I know that one day, I'm going to push my dad too far and say something I regret. I also know that it's possible I might lose one of these friends, but like hell if I'm just going to continue like shit and let it hit me. I'm gonna resist with everything I've got.
Rachel's been a bit too clingy lately. It's all a big joke to her, but every time she hugs me, she has to brush up against me and it bothers me so much. No, God knows I'm not homophobic, but it was just too much contact. It's very uncomfortable to be in such a situation. Anyway, I told her no to a hug today, 'cause I knew she'd do it. She's always threatening to "violently molest me in my sleep." It was funny the first ten times, and now it's just lost it's humor for me. She and Adrienne are constantly snuggling, and it's a little disgusting. -Sighs- I dunno. Enough about that.
On to something a little happier, and hopefully the final note of this fucking LONG post:
Thank God for Anji.
I had a total meltdown last night. This week has come to a culminating message to me that I am a stupid, weak, and brutish person who doesn't even respect her own parents.
Anji let me talk to her and vent to her for a long time last night, and she made some very good suggestions.
She made me feel a hell of a lot better, and I would have had a much harder time getting through without her.
I had a breakdown after my lesson yesterday. I didn't know why, but it felt like everything I did was wrong, even though I know maestro's only trying to help by telling me what I've done wrong. I realize now that it has been the consequences of this week that gave me the breakdown, but I'm feeling much better now, thanks to Anji.
Somehow, whenever I vent to Anji, I just KNOW she understands, which is almost never true with anybody else but my mother. I love Rachel, but she is not quite mature enough right now, and besides, she's having a hard time herself--that I know. I can't vent my problems to her. Kelsey would laugh, and personally, I'm beginning to hate Travis. Mom wouldn't understand the school stuff.
Anji does.
She knows that I'm speaking from the heart when I talk to her, and she tells me not what I need to hear, but what she thinks I should do. What she would do. And I can trust her on that, seeing everything she's been through.
Candi and Anji are always there for me, and I felt bad for not being able to help Candi much recently with NC. I'm going to try to work harder.
For all the fucked up things that happened this week, it's inspired me to work harder.
Damn.