(no subject)
man this is so hard lately... i just... i REALLY REALLY REALLY wish i knew what to do. about everything. i mean.. i had this amazing guy. straight up i knowim probably moving... but thats one of the big things getting to me rite now... PROBABLY. its insanly difficult to live your life knowing that this life changing thing MITE happen.
i dont want to get into a relationship with anybody. im about to move. i found my perfect guy and i cant stay with him, cause im gonan move and its not fair, well to be straightup i dont even think if i stayed he'd wanna stay with me. but if i knew i was staying i'd give up my whole summer to be with him. I already gave up something i was looking forward to for a year (EFY) to stay another week with him... and id do it again. i would. i know it to be true. that fraction of a doubt i once had is gone. but im PROBABLY moving. so i cant do any of this.
And i go to work each day knowing im gonna completly screw Melisa over when i leave this summer. and i feel bad. cause this is a job i could keep. there are friends here i could keep. amazing people. and instead ive been living everyday likeim never gonna see them again. which isnt that amazing of a thing in case u didnt know. i cant make plans and dreams wiht them anymore. and i finally realized im gonna be leaing soon. weeks. and after i finally accept it all. the friends, the guy, the job, after i finally am ok with the fact im moving, and its for the best.... what happens but my mum brings up the PROBABLY again. i know theres nothing they can do about it. if the hosue dosnt sell it dosnt sell. and i know its all up to God. i just wish i knew what was gonna happen. the day we find out is a happy day... or amybe not. half the time i think that the fact that its a maybe is whats keeping me going sometimes when im sad. that theres a chance i wont have to start over. because i have everything i need here.
i know wherever i go ill pull through. theres no reason to sacrifice any part of my life, because everything "will work out in the end". and i do have faith. its jsut... im so tangled up lately. life jsut gets to you sometimes you know... but thats ok. everything happens for a reason. and hopefully soon ill be able to figure it out.
>so to be more specific now, Matt already has a new girl. and he's "in a relationship with her" but thats what we were in. so now idk what we are. and honestly, i dont wanna kiss him obviously then. idk if i can even be around him rite now. and i hate them im hurt by this. and i hate that i showed it tonite. and im gonna try not to do that anymore. he was the one who i was worried about being hurt.. not me. i guess i jsut thought it wudnt happen till i moved, and then id be in such a fog from everything i wouldnt notice as much. but happening 5 weeks before im moving inda caught me off gaurd. we're not exclusive, hes allowed to be wiht someone. i just didnt see it coming... ill be ok. just gotta trust things will be ok. and i know they will. i just wanna hug man.
i dont want to get into a relationship with anybody. im about to move. i found my perfect guy and i cant stay with him, cause im gonan move and its not fair, well to be straightup i dont even think if i stayed he'd wanna stay with me. but if i knew i was staying i'd give up my whole summer to be with him. I already gave up something i was looking forward to for a year (EFY) to stay another week with him... and id do it again. i would. i know it to be true. that fraction of a doubt i once had is gone. but im PROBABLY moving. so i cant do any of this.
And i go to work each day knowing im gonna completly screw Melisa over when i leave this summer. and i feel bad. cause this is a job i could keep. there are friends here i could keep. amazing people. and instead ive been living everyday likeim never gonna see them again. which isnt that amazing of a thing in case u didnt know. i cant make plans and dreams wiht them anymore. and i finally realized im gonna be leaing soon. weeks. and after i finally accept it all. the friends, the guy, the job, after i finally am ok with the fact im moving, and its for the best.... what happens but my mum brings up the PROBABLY again. i know theres nothing they can do about it. if the hosue dosnt sell it dosnt sell. and i know its all up to God. i just wish i knew what was gonna happen. the day we find out is a happy day... or amybe not. half the time i think that the fact that its a maybe is whats keeping me going sometimes when im sad. that theres a chance i wont have to start over. because i have everything i need here.
i know wherever i go ill pull through. theres no reason to sacrifice any part of my life, because everything "will work out in the end". and i do have faith. its jsut... im so tangled up lately. life jsut gets to you sometimes you know... but thats ok. everything happens for a reason. and hopefully soon ill be able to figure it out.
>so to be more specific now, Matt already has a new girl. and he's "in a relationship with her" but thats what we were in. so now idk what we are. and honestly, i dont wanna kiss him obviously then. idk if i can even be around him rite now. and i hate them im hurt by this. and i hate that i showed it tonite. and im gonna try not to do that anymore. he was the one who i was worried about being hurt.. not me. i guess i jsut thought it wudnt happen till i moved, and then id be in such a fog from everything i wouldnt notice as much. but happening 5 weeks before im moving inda caught me off gaurd. we're not exclusive, hes allowed to be wiht someone. i just didnt see it coming... ill be ok. just gotta trust things will be ok. and i know they will. i just wanna hug man.