I see things clearly
Sometimes you "wake up" and realize the shitty things you have done, the shitty person you have been, and see the ruin left in its wake. You think back and can see why things fell apart and feel really bad about it and wish you could just go back to that moment or moments and have done the right or good thing, to have taken the high road. So while you look at the results of the destruction caused by your shitty behavior and have learned what works and what doesn't work, you have learned from your mistakes and are working on being the good person you know you are yet you wonder, how the hell do I fix it? How the hell do you have people give you that chance again? I know that words can be cheap, but if they don't see your actions, how else do you fix things?
That is the dilemma.
That is the dilemma.