Fic: Better The Alien You Know...
Title: Better The Alien You Know...
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: Zaphod saves Arthur’s honor...then no one saves Arthur from Zaphod.
Notes: Set in Book 1 and maybe a bit of 2? I’ve just read the first three and started on four...so, any useful crit is appreciated. Not betaed but I really wanted to get this out before I lost the idea.
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about gender: In the universe there are fifty genders. In other words if you have any questions about gender you should ask in a non-insulting manner. It is not recommended that you assume anything, many a novice hitchhiker has been lured into the bed by a shapely body that reminds them of the ‘girls back home’ only to find that the ‘girl’ has a bit more downstairs then he quite bargained for. Also, on the other foot, many men expecting a quick one time roll in the hay with another attractive male have found themselves the father of a brood. See also the section on sex and contraceptives.
***
Arthur Dent sat glumly at a table watching Ford Prefect walk away. Not that walking in the crowded dance floor was easy, more like swimming upstream really, but Ford was off to research something. This ‘something’ Arthur rather suspected was either a} alcoholic or b} female. Pulling his robe a little closer he let his gaze find Zaphod Beeblebrox, the blond was well into his fifth drink and happily chatting with a yellow skinned...something. At least one head was, the other head was tossing down drink six and using a third arm to motion for the bartender. Trillian was nowhere nearby because she and her former boyfriend (the aforementioned Zaphod Beeblebrox) had broken it off after a particularly long and loud fight over Zaphod’s insistence he see other people.
“But...Trill...I wouldn’t make you only ya know, see me, I’m just saying I don’t wanna be tied down...” The ex-Galactic President did this before Ford, or indeed even Arthur, could warn him that the typical English female might find this rather offensive and see it as a lack of commitment.
‘Well,’ thought Arthur darkly, ‘he certainly didn’t waste time...’ The incredibly depressing bit being, of course, that he, Arthur Dent, last male of the planet Earth, had not even been given then a passing "Bye, take care of yourself, Arthur" before Trillian, last surviving female of the already mentioned planet Earth, had transported herself away to somewhere-or-another.
Not that Arthur wasn’t used to such things, he had no preconceived notions about himself being a catch on Earth, let alone here, where he was competing against men like Zaphod, the blond rugged type that all women seemed to like. He remembered vaguely that his mother had once told him that one day when the woman were done with the rugged handsome types they would come back for a man who could make a good cup of tea.
When he thought of these things he was often glad his mother had been destroyed along with the rest of Earth to build a now useless Interstellar Bypass.
Arthur Dent frowned some more, giving his face a wrinkled look that, unbeknownst to him, attracted a second glance from a largish brutish looking being a table away. The alien now looking at Arthur was hairy and had a large horn sticking out of his forehead, he was at least eight feet tall when standing and his muscles bulged under his animal hide coverings. These were his charming points. He also smelled and had a few life forms living in his tangled body hair, which was a dirty greenish color from a type of fungus that also live there, and was currently smitten with the ape-descendent across from him. He hiccuped drunkenly and stood, knocking several people down as he did, and started towards his intended ‘love’.
‘What,’ Arthur was considering to himself, ‘am I going to do?’ Not that this had been a problem before as his biggest aim had been to survive the people chasing Zaphod. Now that he was left to consider the options he was rather worried. After all, despite the number of radio stations, what were the odds he could actually get a job at one? Ford worked for ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ which seemed to be at the very least profitable when it came to getting free drinks and Zaphod...honestly, he didn’t know WHAT the blond did but it probably involved the breaking of rules and more police chases. He jumped when someone sat down in front of him.
"Hi, Pretty," it attempted to say huskily but sounded more nasal then anything.
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy says this on residents of the planet Qual 8: The males are large, hairy, and think that being smelly and flea-ridden is attractive as, in their culture, the hairless females pick their flees and groom them as part of their dates. It is unsurprising then that the tall, mostly hairless, clean, and slender women have largely started migrating away from the planet after space travel was invented.
Picking up a Qual 8 female is usually easy as they have very low expectations.
Escaping a Qual 8 male is harder as he thinks anger is cute, gagging at his stench a turn on, and struggling coy. Any hitchhiker picked up by a Qual 8 male should go limp if it looks like escape is impossible and run as soon as the male finishes, which as he has probably not had sex in over three decades, should take roughly three to four seconds. After he passes out leave as quickly as possible, it is recommended you buy a three bottles of Janx Spirit. Bathe with one bottle, thus killing any fungus and life that may be attempting to take root. Then drink the other two bottles and pray to whichever deity you like most that you forget the entire incident.
***
One of Zaphod’s heads looked up from the shapely malf, number thirty in the gender list, he was trying to make time with and frowned when he couldn’t spot Ford’s monkey over the wall of green hair and dead animal skins that was at the table. He raised an eyebrow when he realized just what was trying to pick the Earther up and then grinned. Then immediately frowned again. Ford would probably drag him off on a rescue mission if Arthur were kidnapped. Which would seriously crimp his sex life and as he had just gotten out of a rather good relationship, with an admittedly prudish but hot chick, and had not had sex for over two days, this was a problem.
"Sorry," He sighed, smiling his best ‘I’d love to sleep with you but I gotta go save the Galaxy’ smile he stood up. The yellowish malf flushed a faint orange as the blond smiled, but still felt the urge to check hir exposed underbelly. "I think my friend’s pet needs attending to..."
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the residents of the planets in Betelgeuse: The most dominate life form in the Betelgeuse region are the descendents of a small predatory, warm blooded lizard/bird like creature. The only remnant of the bird they evolved from is seen in the colorful feathers that eventually became facial and head hair for their later descendants. These small creatures at one of their earliest points had six legs and two heads. Each head would take turns watching while the other ate, drank, or did crosswords. Though small the Betelgeuse lizard had two very important gifts: it’s smile and luck.
While most creatures think a smile simply a pleasant facial expression (one exception being Galoxions who believe a smile will one day destroy their world and so always look somber and depressed and play a lot of really depressing music, they also have the honor of being the one race made almost extinct through suicide), the Betelgeuse lizard was known for it’s ability to smile and frighten away larger creatures and to distract their prey long enough for them to rip its throat out. Its luck fell into play as the larger creatures were also much stupider and never caught on to this.
Most natives of this system have numerous lovers. The Betelgeuse claim this is because in their early days males tried to ensure the continuation of their race and therefore took numerous females at once. Even today most families consist of numerous Mothers (President Zaphod Beeblebrox has eight mothers at last count) but also more then a few males as the Betelgeuse are not picky about gender. Males of the species are especially good at smiling and using luck to their advantage, they also claim to be very good at attracting mates. Most scientists say that’s utter rubbish and that the Betelgeuse race is simple perpetually in it’s mating cycle, this means in the long run they will have many mates simply because they are always in the ‘mood’. Most Betelgeuse say that scientists are jealous.
Betelgeuse are very fond of alcohol and tolerate it much better then any species in the galaxy, it is not recommended you get into a drinking contest with a Betelgeuse native.
***
"’Scuse me," Arthur jumped from his position under the table and unashamedly hid behind Zaphod. "You ok, kid?" Arthur muttered incoherently about tea and alternately something incredibly alcoholic. The larger male immediately began making protests. "Sorry, this human’s mine, better luck next time..." He turned and wrapped his right arm around Arthur’s waist and draped his other right over the Earthman’s shoulders. Arthur looked almost on the verge of coherent thought again and frowned at this.
"I seen ‘em first," The horned male protested. One of Zaphod’s heads turned and smiled at the creature, who stepped back quickly at the turned lips.
"Don’t think so," The blond purred, one hand lazily stroking the human’s dark hair, said human flushed at the tone of voice and the way one of Zaphod’s heads was regarding him, but refused to look back at the...beast. It is best to note at this point that the rogue President did not seriously consider ‘Arthur Dent’ and ‘sex’ in the same thought until that very moment. The thought had merit, he admitted to himself as he led the human away from the now hastily apologizing monstrosity. Since Trillian had left ship life had been a bit dull and he missed having a steady lover in his bed, his other head caught his eye and he winked at it. The other head grinned and Arthur worried at the matching smiles.
"Er...listen, thanks for your help, really but you’re welcome to release me now..." The human offered as they walked back towards the parking ring of the floating station. Zaphod stopped and in a quick moment that left his head spinning, pinned the human to the wall, kissing him soundly while one head dared anyone to interrupt them with his gaze. Arthur was reduced to babble again and the blond pulled him along towards the Heart of Gold.
"No...now see here..." Arthur got out as the walked through an ecstatically happy doorway, trying to pull away and blushing. It was incredibly improper to have been kissed by Zaphod in the first place, but that aside the two-headed alien was now looking at him with a glint in his eye that made the Englishman worry.
"Monkeyman, I think I like you better in babble," The other male sighed and kissed him soundly again, his other head, freed from look out duties began to nuzzle and suck at Arthur’s throat. The human struggled, moaning his hands, which had moved up to push against Zaphod’s chest decided to cling instead, and Arthur’s mouth slowly opened under the onslaught allowing a surprisingly long tongue access to his mouth. Pulling back the head kissing him grinned. "See? We actually get along when you’re not talkin’..."
"I’m...but...I don’t even LIKE you...what..." Arthur started, attempting to pull a thought together through sheer will.
"C’mon man, you know what..." Zaphod pressed even closer, letting his crotch rub hotly against the shorter man’s stomach. "And you must be at least a little...needy. You never bring anything home after these trips..." While one head spoke the other started kissing him again, leaving Zaphod to finish the last warmly in his ear.
"You’re a man..." Arthur murmured, will weakening under the skilled lips and his body was in heated discussion with his brain over what was going on. His nerves sent a brain frying burst of pleasure upwards as one of Zaphod’s hands stroked Arthur’s thigh. The brain reeled and attempted to reinstate itself by thinking of math and sports.
"So? Never been with one? I’ll go easy on you this time..." Zaphod’s brains were already finding the shortest route to his room and mentally undressing Author as he pulled back and dragged the dazed Earther behind him. The blond’s body approved and aided the cause by gently sliding a hand up the back of the monkey’s shirt to distract him.
"This time?" Arthur asked as he was pulled into the large captain’s cabin. He had a moment where his brain lost momentum in jealous awe of the large room and then he was landing on the bed with a leering Zaphod in stereo above him. His slippers were gone, his dressing was being pushed back and off and his body was helping as he leaned up into the kiss being given to him. His brain sulked for only half a moment before it was reminded by the body that this was the first time in years they hadn’t managed to make a mess of things, thus preventing any action of this sort, and quibbling over gender and species seemed moot compared to this. A truce was called and Zaphod was pleased to feel Arthur hesitantly returning the kiss. He tossed away the ratty robe and pulled away from necking to strip out of his own overcoat and shirt.
"C’mon, this is a naked only event," He grinned, watching the Englishman flush and look up guiltily from where his eyes were wandering over the hairless chest.
"I..." Still a shade of red Arthur cleared his throat and began unbuttoning his pajama top carefully. Zaphod made an annoyed sound and batted his hands away, quickly pulling the shirt apart, and loosing several defenseless buttons in the process. "Hey that..."
"I’ll give ya one of mine..." Zaphod said, letting his hands trail over the pale chest. "Better..." Author flushed under the admiring gaze, feeling incredibly inept as he swallowed and let himself lean into the other male’s space to initiate a kiss with the closest head.
The kiss was happily returned with interest and the human let himself explore the strong shoulders with his hands, trailing down to carefully stroke the place where the third arm joined the rest of Zaphod’s body in a silent wonder as he lost himself in the feel of being kissed and having his ear licked all at once. It was odd, not only to touch this very MALE body, but to touch one so very alien in some ways. His pants were being stolen before he quite realized it and he pulled back to protest as Zaphod grinned devilishly at him, pushing him back into the bed again. Two heads started a trek downward, making Arthur let out a series of whimpers and muffled moans as he gripped the blankets tightly. Zaphod had barely began work on the hard flesh between his legs when he came, panting and flushed ready to apologize even as the blond licked him clean.
"Been a while, kid?" Zaphod grinned sliding up beside him and urging Arthur on his left side so that his back was against Zaphod’s bare chest, arms around the human. The dark haired man relaxed feeling a little sleepy and very content. The lower of Zaphod’s right arms stroked his side and thigh in gentle relaxing motion, slowly drifting, as though quite by accident, to his bottom.
Arthur jumped and yelped slightly as one of Zaphod’s fingers, aided by a slick something, found its way inside him. One head nuzzled his hair while the other whispered assurances, and his other arm helped him lift Arthur’s leg a bit. Compliments and gentle words kept the human from tensing up completely as he was stretched and he moaned as Zaphod found his prostate. The alien paused, finding and stroking the nub that had gotten that reaction again. Arthur eagerly thrust back into him and the blond contently played for the moment, three fingers inside his bedmate, before taking them away.
"Zaphod..." Arthur half moaned half yelled in irritation. A zipper sounded behind him and before his bleary mind could quiet make the connection something hot was nudging its way inside him. He made noise of pain and Zaphod stopped, tongue worrying the human’s ear as he waited for Author to relax and to take his mind off the heat wrapped around him so intimately.
"Almost there..." The blond promised huskily as the clinched muscles relaxed. Arthur gasped as Zaphod thrust deeper and went gratefully back into the other man’s chest as two arms wrapped tightly around him and he was rocked by the first thrust of Zaphod’s hips. Moaning as the other male made use of his newfound knowledge of the human body, Arthur rode a wave of pleasure and pressed back into his lover. "God baby, you’re tight..."
Arthur made a half-formed sound in his throat and the blond’s left hand snuck around to stroke the human in time with the now more forceful thrusts. As Arthur was brought to his second mind-numbing climax his body convulsed around the shaft inside him and both heads let out twin cries of pleasure, letting go deep inside the human.
Zaphod didn’t move for several moments, letting blood that had left his brains languidly return, carefully he moved back, earning a glare from the sleepy man who was leaning on him.
"Sec, babe," Standing the blond finished peeling off his pants and then urged Arthur farther up the bed, pulling the rumpled blankets down and then slid in beside the dozing human.
"Zaphod?" Arthur asked absently, ignoring his body’s attempts to pull him to sleep. "What...?"
"You think too much, Monkeyman," The Betelgeuse native wrapped all three arms around the sleep human, stopping as one head yawned. "Sometimes you do things because they feel good, loosen up a little, it’s not that bad that you enjoyed sex is it?"
"Actually..."
Zaphod made a dismissive sound and pulled Arthur’s head down to he his chest so he could put his chin on it. His other head was already dozing.
"Get some sleep, we can work out relationship crap tomorrow." The lights lowered as they settled and all was still several moments.
"So this is a relationship?"
"No, Monkey, I’m using you for sex."
"Well, as long as we’re clear..."
"God, and Ford lived on a planet full of you apes?"
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: Zaphod saves Arthur’s honor...then no one saves Arthur from Zaphod.
Notes: Set in Book 1 and maybe a bit of 2? I’ve just read the first three and started on four...so, any useful crit is appreciated. Not betaed but I really wanted to get this out before I lost the idea.
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about gender: In the universe there are fifty genders. In other words if you have any questions about gender you should ask in a non-insulting manner. It is not recommended that you assume anything, many a novice hitchhiker has been lured into the bed by a shapely body that reminds them of the ‘girls back home’ only to find that the ‘girl’ has a bit more downstairs then he quite bargained for. Also, on the other foot, many men expecting a quick one time roll in the hay with another attractive male have found themselves the father of a brood. See also the section on sex and contraceptives.
***
Arthur Dent sat glumly at a table watching Ford Prefect walk away. Not that walking in the crowded dance floor was easy, more like swimming upstream really, but Ford was off to research something. This ‘something’ Arthur rather suspected was either a} alcoholic or b} female. Pulling his robe a little closer he let his gaze find Zaphod Beeblebrox, the blond was well into his fifth drink and happily chatting with a yellow skinned...something. At least one head was, the other head was tossing down drink six and using a third arm to motion for the bartender. Trillian was nowhere nearby because she and her former boyfriend (the aforementioned Zaphod Beeblebrox) had broken it off after a particularly long and loud fight over Zaphod’s insistence he see other people.
“But...Trill...I wouldn’t make you only ya know, see me, I’m just saying I don’t wanna be tied down...” The ex-Galactic President did this before Ford, or indeed even Arthur, could warn him that the typical English female might find this rather offensive and see it as a lack of commitment.
‘Well,’ thought Arthur darkly, ‘he certainly didn’t waste time...’ The incredibly depressing bit being, of course, that he, Arthur Dent, last male of the planet Earth, had not even been given then a passing "Bye, take care of yourself, Arthur" before Trillian, last surviving female of the already mentioned planet Earth, had transported herself away to somewhere-or-another.
Not that Arthur wasn’t used to such things, he had no preconceived notions about himself being a catch on Earth, let alone here, where he was competing against men like Zaphod, the blond rugged type that all women seemed to like. He remembered vaguely that his mother had once told him that one day when the woman were done with the rugged handsome types they would come back for a man who could make a good cup of tea.
When he thought of these things he was often glad his mother had been destroyed along with the rest of Earth to build a now useless Interstellar Bypass.
Arthur Dent frowned some more, giving his face a wrinkled look that, unbeknownst to him, attracted a second glance from a largish brutish looking being a table away. The alien now looking at Arthur was hairy and had a large horn sticking out of his forehead, he was at least eight feet tall when standing and his muscles bulged under his animal hide coverings. These were his charming points. He also smelled and had a few life forms living in his tangled body hair, which was a dirty greenish color from a type of fungus that also live there, and was currently smitten with the ape-descendent across from him. He hiccuped drunkenly and stood, knocking several people down as he did, and started towards his intended ‘love’.
‘What,’ Arthur was considering to himself, ‘am I going to do?’ Not that this had been a problem before as his biggest aim had been to survive the people chasing Zaphod. Now that he was left to consider the options he was rather worried. After all, despite the number of radio stations, what were the odds he could actually get a job at one? Ford worked for ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ which seemed to be at the very least profitable when it came to getting free drinks and Zaphod...honestly, he didn’t know WHAT the blond did but it probably involved the breaking of rules and more police chases. He jumped when someone sat down in front of him.
"Hi, Pretty," it attempted to say huskily but sounded more nasal then anything.
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy says this on residents of the planet Qual 8: The males are large, hairy, and think that being smelly and flea-ridden is attractive as, in their culture, the hairless females pick their flees and groom them as part of their dates. It is unsurprising then that the tall, mostly hairless, clean, and slender women have largely started migrating away from the planet after space travel was invented.
Picking up a Qual 8 female is usually easy as they have very low expectations.
Escaping a Qual 8 male is harder as he thinks anger is cute, gagging at his stench a turn on, and struggling coy. Any hitchhiker picked up by a Qual 8 male should go limp if it looks like escape is impossible and run as soon as the male finishes, which as he has probably not had sex in over three decades, should take roughly three to four seconds. After he passes out leave as quickly as possible, it is recommended you buy a three bottles of Janx Spirit. Bathe with one bottle, thus killing any fungus and life that may be attempting to take root. Then drink the other two bottles and pray to whichever deity you like most that you forget the entire incident.
***
One of Zaphod’s heads looked up from the shapely malf, number thirty in the gender list, he was trying to make time with and frowned when he couldn’t spot Ford’s monkey over the wall of green hair and dead animal skins that was at the table. He raised an eyebrow when he realized just what was trying to pick the Earther up and then grinned. Then immediately frowned again. Ford would probably drag him off on a rescue mission if Arthur were kidnapped. Which would seriously crimp his sex life and as he had just gotten out of a rather good relationship, with an admittedly prudish but hot chick, and had not had sex for over two days, this was a problem.
"Sorry," He sighed, smiling his best ‘I’d love to sleep with you but I gotta go save the Galaxy’ smile he stood up. The yellowish malf flushed a faint orange as the blond smiled, but still felt the urge to check hir exposed underbelly. "I think my friend’s pet needs attending to..."
***
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the residents of the planets in Betelgeuse: The most dominate life form in the Betelgeuse region are the descendents of a small predatory, warm blooded lizard/bird like creature. The only remnant of the bird they evolved from is seen in the colorful feathers that eventually became facial and head hair for their later descendants. These small creatures at one of their earliest points had six legs and two heads. Each head would take turns watching while the other ate, drank, or did crosswords. Though small the Betelgeuse lizard had two very important gifts: it’s smile and luck.
While most creatures think a smile simply a pleasant facial expression (one exception being Galoxions who believe a smile will one day destroy their world and so always look somber and depressed and play a lot of really depressing music, they also have the honor of being the one race made almost extinct through suicide), the Betelgeuse lizard was known for it’s ability to smile and frighten away larger creatures and to distract their prey long enough for them to rip its throat out. Its luck fell into play as the larger creatures were also much stupider and never caught on to this.
Most natives of this system have numerous lovers. The Betelgeuse claim this is because in their early days males tried to ensure the continuation of their race and therefore took numerous females at once. Even today most families consist of numerous Mothers (President Zaphod Beeblebrox has eight mothers at last count) but also more then a few males as the Betelgeuse are not picky about gender. Males of the species are especially good at smiling and using luck to their advantage, they also claim to be very good at attracting mates. Most scientists say that’s utter rubbish and that the Betelgeuse race is simple perpetually in it’s mating cycle, this means in the long run they will have many mates simply because they are always in the ‘mood’. Most Betelgeuse say that scientists are jealous.
Betelgeuse are very fond of alcohol and tolerate it much better then any species in the galaxy, it is not recommended you get into a drinking contest with a Betelgeuse native.
***
"’Scuse me," Arthur jumped from his position under the table and unashamedly hid behind Zaphod. "You ok, kid?" Arthur muttered incoherently about tea and alternately something incredibly alcoholic. The larger male immediately began making protests. "Sorry, this human’s mine, better luck next time..." He turned and wrapped his right arm around Arthur’s waist and draped his other right over the Earthman’s shoulders. Arthur looked almost on the verge of coherent thought again and frowned at this.
"I seen ‘em first," The horned male protested. One of Zaphod’s heads turned and smiled at the creature, who stepped back quickly at the turned lips.
"Don’t think so," The blond purred, one hand lazily stroking the human’s dark hair, said human flushed at the tone of voice and the way one of Zaphod’s heads was regarding him, but refused to look back at the...beast. It is best to note at this point that the rogue President did not seriously consider ‘Arthur Dent’ and ‘sex’ in the same thought until that very moment. The thought had merit, he admitted to himself as he led the human away from the now hastily apologizing monstrosity. Since Trillian had left ship life had been a bit dull and he missed having a steady lover in his bed, his other head caught his eye and he winked at it. The other head grinned and Arthur worried at the matching smiles.
"Er...listen, thanks for your help, really but you’re welcome to release me now..." The human offered as they walked back towards the parking ring of the floating station. Zaphod stopped and in a quick moment that left his head spinning, pinned the human to the wall, kissing him soundly while one head dared anyone to interrupt them with his gaze. Arthur was reduced to babble again and the blond pulled him along towards the Heart of Gold.
"No...now see here..." Arthur got out as the walked through an ecstatically happy doorway, trying to pull away and blushing. It was incredibly improper to have been kissed by Zaphod in the first place, but that aside the two-headed alien was now looking at him with a glint in his eye that made the Englishman worry.
"Monkeyman, I think I like you better in babble," The other male sighed and kissed him soundly again, his other head, freed from look out duties began to nuzzle and suck at Arthur’s throat. The human struggled, moaning his hands, which had moved up to push against Zaphod’s chest decided to cling instead, and Arthur’s mouth slowly opened under the onslaught allowing a surprisingly long tongue access to his mouth. Pulling back the head kissing him grinned. "See? We actually get along when you’re not talkin’..."
"I’m...but...I don’t even LIKE you...what..." Arthur started, attempting to pull a thought together through sheer will.
"C’mon man, you know what..." Zaphod pressed even closer, letting his crotch rub hotly against the shorter man’s stomach. "And you must be at least a little...needy. You never bring anything home after these trips..." While one head spoke the other started kissing him again, leaving Zaphod to finish the last warmly in his ear.
"You’re a man..." Arthur murmured, will weakening under the skilled lips and his body was in heated discussion with his brain over what was going on. His nerves sent a brain frying burst of pleasure upwards as one of Zaphod’s hands stroked Arthur’s thigh. The brain reeled and attempted to reinstate itself by thinking of math and sports.
"So? Never been with one? I’ll go easy on you this time..." Zaphod’s brains were already finding the shortest route to his room and mentally undressing Author as he pulled back and dragged the dazed Earther behind him. The blond’s body approved and aided the cause by gently sliding a hand up the back of the monkey’s shirt to distract him.
"This time?" Arthur asked as he was pulled into the large captain’s cabin. He had a moment where his brain lost momentum in jealous awe of the large room and then he was landing on the bed with a leering Zaphod in stereo above him. His slippers were gone, his dressing was being pushed back and off and his body was helping as he leaned up into the kiss being given to him. His brain sulked for only half a moment before it was reminded by the body that this was the first time in years they hadn’t managed to make a mess of things, thus preventing any action of this sort, and quibbling over gender and species seemed moot compared to this. A truce was called and Zaphod was pleased to feel Arthur hesitantly returning the kiss. He tossed away the ratty robe and pulled away from necking to strip out of his own overcoat and shirt.
"C’mon, this is a naked only event," He grinned, watching the Englishman flush and look up guiltily from where his eyes were wandering over the hairless chest.
"I..." Still a shade of red Arthur cleared his throat and began unbuttoning his pajama top carefully. Zaphod made an annoyed sound and batted his hands away, quickly pulling the shirt apart, and loosing several defenseless buttons in the process. "Hey that..."
"I’ll give ya one of mine..." Zaphod said, letting his hands trail over the pale chest. "Better..." Author flushed under the admiring gaze, feeling incredibly inept as he swallowed and let himself lean into the other male’s space to initiate a kiss with the closest head.
The kiss was happily returned with interest and the human let himself explore the strong shoulders with his hands, trailing down to carefully stroke the place where the third arm joined the rest of Zaphod’s body in a silent wonder as he lost himself in the feel of being kissed and having his ear licked all at once. It was odd, not only to touch this very MALE body, but to touch one so very alien in some ways. His pants were being stolen before he quite realized it and he pulled back to protest as Zaphod grinned devilishly at him, pushing him back into the bed again. Two heads started a trek downward, making Arthur let out a series of whimpers and muffled moans as he gripped the blankets tightly. Zaphod had barely began work on the hard flesh between his legs when he came, panting and flushed ready to apologize even as the blond licked him clean.
"Been a while, kid?" Zaphod grinned sliding up beside him and urging Arthur on his left side so that his back was against Zaphod’s bare chest, arms around the human. The dark haired man relaxed feeling a little sleepy and very content. The lower of Zaphod’s right arms stroked his side and thigh in gentle relaxing motion, slowly drifting, as though quite by accident, to his bottom.
Arthur jumped and yelped slightly as one of Zaphod’s fingers, aided by a slick something, found its way inside him. One head nuzzled his hair while the other whispered assurances, and his other arm helped him lift Arthur’s leg a bit. Compliments and gentle words kept the human from tensing up completely as he was stretched and he moaned as Zaphod found his prostate. The alien paused, finding and stroking the nub that had gotten that reaction again. Arthur eagerly thrust back into him and the blond contently played for the moment, three fingers inside his bedmate, before taking them away.
"Zaphod..." Arthur half moaned half yelled in irritation. A zipper sounded behind him and before his bleary mind could quiet make the connection something hot was nudging its way inside him. He made noise of pain and Zaphod stopped, tongue worrying the human’s ear as he waited for Author to relax and to take his mind off the heat wrapped around him so intimately.
"Almost there..." The blond promised huskily as the clinched muscles relaxed. Arthur gasped as Zaphod thrust deeper and went gratefully back into the other man’s chest as two arms wrapped tightly around him and he was rocked by the first thrust of Zaphod’s hips. Moaning as the other male made use of his newfound knowledge of the human body, Arthur rode a wave of pleasure and pressed back into his lover. "God baby, you’re tight..."
Arthur made a half-formed sound in his throat and the blond’s left hand snuck around to stroke the human in time with the now more forceful thrusts. As Arthur was brought to his second mind-numbing climax his body convulsed around the shaft inside him and both heads let out twin cries of pleasure, letting go deep inside the human.
Zaphod didn’t move for several moments, letting blood that had left his brains languidly return, carefully he moved back, earning a glare from the sleepy man who was leaning on him.
"Sec, babe," Standing the blond finished peeling off his pants and then urged Arthur farther up the bed, pulling the rumpled blankets down and then slid in beside the dozing human.
"Zaphod?" Arthur asked absently, ignoring his body’s attempts to pull him to sleep. "What...?"
"You think too much, Monkeyman," The Betelgeuse native wrapped all three arms around the sleep human, stopping as one head yawned. "Sometimes you do things because they feel good, loosen up a little, it’s not that bad that you enjoyed sex is it?"
"Actually..."
Zaphod made a dismissive sound and pulled Arthur’s head down to he his chest so he could put his chin on it. His other head was already dozing.
"Get some sleep, we can work out relationship crap tomorrow." The lights lowered as they settled and all was still several moments.
"So this is a relationship?"
"No, Monkey, I’m using you for sex."
"Well, as long as we’re clear..."
"God, and Ford lived on a planet full of you apes?"