I guess that old saying is true...
Helen, don't read this.
Here are some phrases taken at random from the book. I mean, literally at random.
' "I'm born to please men, to make them feel pleasure when they mount me like a leaping tiger," she said without embarrassment, "to mix my honey with their milk." '
'I dreamed of experiencing the ultimate pleasure of a man's penis inside me, throbbing, thrusting, thrusting, and filling me with his elixir.'
'...as she teased her the onlooker by fluttering a fan with her right hand until she revealed her naked, dear little slit.'
'My favorite woodblock print was by the artist Hokusai, depicting a sighing woman in the slippery embrace of two octopuses. They were strategically draped over her body, arousing her, attaching their mouths to her breasts and sucking on her nipples, her lips, pulling the breath out of her, and wrapping their tentacles inside her vagina and anal hole, and tickling her with ecstasy.'
'It was engraved with the spring drawing of a man and a woman, both naked, embracing, their genitals interconnected in the act of lovemaking. His large penis pushed eagerly into her vagina.'
'After wiping themselves clean with tissues--an essential conclusion to their sensual passion--they fell into the dreamless sleep that followed the physical act. Mariko took her fingers out of her vagina and closed the fold of her kimono....The scent of semen mixing with a woman's juices overpowered her.'
All right, I think that's enough of that. I wish I could say I was reading really bad fanfiction or something (Harry Potter's Exkursion to teh Oryent), but no, these are excerpts from published book available at your local Barnes and Nobles. Called The Blonde Geisha it's about an American girl at the turn of the century who has to hide in a tea house when her father does something stupid and puts both their lives in danger. I expected sex, because it does say "an erotic novel" on the front, but I expected something a little more...erotic. Seriously, she uses the word penis seven times on one page. Very not sexy. Everything seems forced and contrived, and there's clearly little to no research here. She gets names and terms right, and then just makes everything else up, or so it seems. I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure I remember from most of my first person source material, geisha didn't run around acting like "hoors." That's why Japan had both prostitutes and geisha.
My problem was--it had a bunch of my hooks. Geisha, Victorian era, Japan, training montages...I thought it'd be like Memoirs of a Geisha a book about becoming a geisha with a bit of tasteful sex on the side. My favorite part of books is usually when the protagonist is learning stuff; the Collegium in Valdemar, the classes at Hogwarts, the rules and rituals of becoming a geisha. That's what I was expecting. Hell, the back of the books says, "During the years of her training..." Guess what--no training. We jump from a 15 year old dipstick who can only think about sex to an 18 year old dipstick who spends most of her time thinking about the same thing. There's too much telling, not enough showing...and I don't mean what's hiding under people's kimonos. Trust me, she shows plenty of that. Ad nauseum, in fact. Can I get some plot with my sex, please?
Remind me, from now on, before purchasing a book by an unknown, crack it open and read a paragraph or two. I could've saved myself $14.
Although now, I have an excellent "How NOT to do" guide book. In my quest to find tasteful words for genitalia, I can now cross off "penis", "vagina", and "dear little slit." Especially when used frequently. Great, now "nethermouth" (I HATE YOU ANNE RICE!!!) has some friends to play with.
Here are some phrases taken at random from the book. I mean, literally at random.
' "I'm born to please men, to make them feel pleasure when they mount me like a leaping tiger," she said without embarrassment, "to mix my honey with their milk." '
'I dreamed of experiencing the ultimate pleasure of a man's penis inside me, throbbing, thrusting, thrusting, and filling me with his elixir.'
'...as she teased her the onlooker by fluttering a fan with her right hand until she revealed her naked, dear little slit.'
'My favorite woodblock print was by the artist Hokusai, depicting a sighing woman in the slippery embrace of two octopuses. They were strategically draped over her body, arousing her, attaching their mouths to her breasts and sucking on her nipples, her lips, pulling the breath out of her, and wrapping their tentacles inside her vagina and anal hole, and tickling her with ecstasy.'
'It was engraved with the spring drawing of a man and a woman, both naked, embracing, their genitals interconnected in the act of lovemaking. His large penis pushed eagerly into her vagina.'
'After wiping themselves clean with tissues--an essential conclusion to their sensual passion--they fell into the dreamless sleep that followed the physical act. Mariko took her fingers out of her vagina and closed the fold of her kimono....The scent of semen mixing with a woman's juices overpowered her.'
All right, I think that's enough of that. I wish I could say I was reading really bad fanfiction or something (Harry Potter's Exkursion to teh Oryent), but no, these are excerpts from published book available at your local Barnes and Nobles. Called The Blonde Geisha it's about an American girl at the turn of the century who has to hide in a tea house when her father does something stupid and puts both their lives in danger. I expected sex, because it does say "an erotic novel" on the front, but I expected something a little more...erotic. Seriously, she uses the word penis seven times on one page. Very not sexy. Everything seems forced and contrived, and there's clearly little to no research here. She gets names and terms right, and then just makes everything else up, or so it seems. I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure I remember from most of my first person source material, geisha didn't run around acting like "hoors." That's why Japan had both prostitutes and geisha.
My problem was--it had a bunch of my hooks. Geisha, Victorian era, Japan, training montages...I thought it'd be like Memoirs of a Geisha a book about becoming a geisha with a bit of tasteful sex on the side. My favorite part of books is usually when the protagonist is learning stuff; the Collegium in Valdemar, the classes at Hogwarts, the rules and rituals of becoming a geisha. That's what I was expecting. Hell, the back of the books says, "During the years of her training..." Guess what--no training. We jump from a 15 year old dipstick who can only think about sex to an 18 year old dipstick who spends most of her time thinking about the same thing. There's too much telling, not enough showing...and I don't mean what's hiding under people's kimonos. Trust me, she shows plenty of that. Ad nauseum, in fact. Can I get some plot with my sex, please?
Remind me, from now on, before purchasing a book by an unknown, crack it open and read a paragraph or two. I could've saved myself $14.
Although now, I have an excellent "How NOT to do" guide book. In my quest to find tasteful words for genitalia, I can now cross off "penis", "vagina", and "dear little slit." Especially when used frequently. Great, now "nethermouth" (I HATE YOU ANNE RICE!!!) has some friends to play with.