Funny stuff from that random person that subscribed to my story on ff.net
Funny Stuff:
When Obama tells his children to clean their rooms, he ends with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons go out & buy vodka.
Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!
Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.
They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
15. The day you don't wash your hair is the day you meet a cute boy.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies…
One out of four people are insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
A friend helps you up when you fall a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"
A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "Man, we fucked up."
Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE, now that's weird.
If you're nice, u can call me honey. If you're sweet, you can call me sweety. If ur hot, u can call me tonight!
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
You said you couldn't stand to see my heart break. . . so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?
Sometimes you've got to smile and walk away... Hold your tears in and pretend like you're okay.
Being mature is overrated.
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I see regular people!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Perfect men are only fictional. (Sigh Fang)
Boys are like trees-- they take fifty years to grow up.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Behind every bitch there's a guy that made her that way.
Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together
Its always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would you keep looking after I found it?
When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.
You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did.
Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
One day, will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.
Friends will always be like "Well, you deserve better!" but best friends will prank call him saying "You will die in seven days!"
Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.
Duct tape is like the force: both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.
Why are all the good guys only real in books? coughh edward...fang cough
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.
Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!-
I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind, but not my brain I need that
Shit happens, mostly to me so don't worry
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."
irls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys dont want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.
Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy that kisses your forhead,
who keeps your picture in his wallet,
who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,
who holds your hand in front of all his freinds,
who thinks your beautiful without makeup,
one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,
THE one who turns to his friends and says THATS HER!
If I don't call you
It's because I'm waiting for you to call me
When I walk away from you mad
Follow me
When I stare at your mouth
Kiss me
When I push you or hit you
Grab me and don't let go
When I start cussing at you
Kiss me and tell me you love me
When I'm quiet
Ask me what's wrong
When I ignore you
Give me your attention
When I pull away
Pull me back
When you see me at my worst
Tell me I'm beautiful
When you see me start crying
Hold me and tell me everything will be all right
When you see me walking
Sneak up and hug my waist from behind
When I'm scared
Protect me
When I lay my head on your shoulder
Tilt my head up and kiss me
When I grab at your hands
Hold mine and play with my fingers
When I tease you
Tease me back and make me laugh
When I don't answer for a long time
reassure me that everything is okay
When I look at you with doubt
Back yourself up
When I say that I like you
I really do more than you could understand
When I bump into you
bump into me back and make me laugh
When I tell you a secret
Keep it safe and untold
When I look at you in your eyes
Don't look away until I do
When I miss you
I'm hurting inside
When you break my heart
the pain never really goes away
When I say it's over
I still want you to be mine
When I repost this bulletin
I want you to read it
Other Random Stuff:
Guess what...I ran with scissors, and lived!
Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost
Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions
Friend: Will help me learn to drive
Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance
Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away
Best Friend: Won't let me go away
Friend: Will help me up when I fall down
Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me
Friend: Will bail me out of jail
Best Friend: Will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up"
Friend: Will go to a concert with me
Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me
Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."
Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"
Friend: Asks me for my number
Best friend: Asks me for her number
Friend: Hides me from the cops
Best Friend: is probably the reason are after me in the first place
Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public
Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.
Friend: Fade
Best Friends: Are 4 Ever
I wrote your name in the sky
But the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
But the waves swept it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
And it lasted forever.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And ran to save the two dead boys.
And if you don't believe it's true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
1. Only in
America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in
America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put
our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages
of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America...do they have
drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar o f Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Sometimes I may forget to say I love you,
but I never forget to feel it.
If I had a penny for every time I fell in love
with someone as amazing as you,
I would have exactly one cent.
Everyone thinks she is so beautiful.
They have no idea that every night she
cries for the one person that doesn't care.
go ahead tell me all your lies
& don't forget to add
that you love me.
it's not about the amount of friends you have
it's about how many you can trust.
you cant change the past
but you can ruin the present
by worrying about the future.
life doesn't hurt until you think about
how much things have changed, who
you've lost along the way, and about
how much was your fault
i DiDNT WANT T0 ADMiT iT; iT WAS EASiER T0 LiE
& HiDE THE HURT & EMPTiNESS, T0 SMiLE iNSTEAD OF CRY.
the hardest part of a breakup is having to go through your notebooks
scratch out his name a hundred times
and its like theres a fuckin' sign over my heart
that says, "STAB HERE"
as much as I enjoy the concept of being "just friends,"
in reality, it's a bizarre form of torture.
i swear some people;
must live on drama.
'cause some people;
can't go a day without starting it.
those who cry
are stronger than those
who hold their feelings inside.
You don't realize how strong a person is until
you see them at their weakest moment
no one can lie to their heart
no matter how hard you try
it's kind of hard to be with someone,
when deep down you know you're still
in love with someone else.
You took for granted
all the times
I never let you down.
"Just Friends" was always a lie between you and me.
i won't blink cause i might miss it
and i've waited way too long
for this.
Many tears in the heart never reach the eyes...
Copy THIS onto Your Profile Stuff...
Sorry if I have things twice, but some of these are so funny
IF YOU’VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR HOURS ON END, READING NUMEROUS FANFICTIONS, COPY THIS ONTO YOUR PROFILE.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters...copy and paste this onto your profile.
92 percent of American teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch/American Eagle told them it was uncool to breathe. If you are one of the 8 percent who would stand there and laugh, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever randomly fallen out of your chair, copy this into your profile
If you've ever fallen going up the stairs, copy this into your profile
If you've ever pushed on a door that said pull (or Vice Versa) copy this into your profile
If you've ever gone into a laughing fit for no reason, copy this onto your profile
If you are obsessed w/ Fanfiction, then copy this into your profile
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, which makes weird good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy & paste this onto your profile
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile
If you think fang is hot copy and paste this into your profile
f you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random, or anything similar, post this in your profile.
If, for any particular reason, you have laughed during a movie that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped up the stairs, copy and paste this into your profile
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile
If you have ever been pushed into an ice-cold pool copy and paste this into your profile
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile
IF YOU'VE EVER LEAPED DOWN THE HALLWAY OF A HOTEL AND TURNED THE CORNER AND SAW PEOPLE STARING AT YOU COPY AND PASTE THIS IN YOUR PROFILE
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
if you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile.
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile
If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.
If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word, And you do so at random moments; copy and paste this in you're profile
If you think Max and Fang should get together now copy and paste this into your profile.
If you relate everything to Maximum Ride, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you still laugh rereading Maximum Ride, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you wish that you could fly so much it hurts, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you absolutely KILLED yourself laughing when gazzy said "'I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!' then copy this to your profile!
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects...copy this into your profile.
f you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If you've ever thought about something when you were talking about something else, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're absoloutely, uncrontollably in love with Fang, copy this into your profile
If you've ever imagined killing off a fictional character to steal her fictional boyfriend, copy this in your profile
If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites, copy this in your profile.
Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.
if there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile
If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile
If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If someone actually thinks that you are evil and/or plotting their death, copy and paste this into your profile. You already know this, look at the copy and paste thing above. Learn to sleep with your eyes open. He He He He.
If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If James Patterson needs to get it all together, copy and paste this into your profile
If you don't mind pervs as friends, copy and paste this into your profile
If you hate it when people label you, copy this into your profile
If you have ever insulted someone so stupid that they didn't get the insult, copy this into your profile
If you have ever wondered what the afterlife is like, copy this into your profile
If you are obsessed with violence, copy this into your profile
If you love reading, copy this into your profile
If you are inexplicably evil, copy this into your profile
If you love to reminisce about the past, copy this into your profile
If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' could, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile
If you think the Coa-coa Puff Turkey Bird thing shoud go to rehab, copy this into your profile.
If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile
If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.
if you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile.
If you read Maximum Ride School's Out - Forever in under 5 hours copy this into your profile.
If you read Maximum Ride Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports in under two hours, copy this into your profile.
If you have/ wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.
If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.
random songs just pop into your head at any given momet, from 'I've Been Working On the Railroad', to the Animorph version of the Barney song (I hate you, you hate me, we're an alien family ect. Personally, I like this version better) to your most favorite song ever, copy and paste this onto your profile.
AND IF YOU'VE READ THIS FAR, YOUR JUST LIKE ME! WAHOO!