To Calm Down
A bit of a meltdown over here, not really sure who to talk to so I thought that I would write a bit.
I hate that there really is no one available, like not the fake nonsense people say, but literally I have no one to talk to.
I feel alone, I don't want to be, but I can't help but to want to be. I don't want to go out and drink, socialize, I just want to be in bed, asleep, for however long it takes.
I am not angry, but each time I see her face, each time I hear her, I don't feel it at all. Not one bit. She is very two faced, subjecting me to every bit of hardship to endure while giving others a pass. What happened with the mechanic, and the Haitian, and God knows who else, I just don't believe her when she tells me things, like ever.
My life could have been over this weekend. Guns, robbery, and I remained calm throughout. I thought that moment where my life would have been over would have given a new appreciation for life, but things remained the same. Still the bullheadedness, still fighting, still going over the same stuff only to reach the same point as before.
I hate that I only live for other people, that I don't care for my life or feel that is has any value but to serve. I hate that I only have video games to retreat to, and even then people want to take that from me.
This helped a bit in dealing. But if things don't change by July, then I have my way out. That's all I see anymore is that date and that realization of how near it draws, and what I have to do. I can't do this anymore, I can't, and I hope everyone understands.