body noise
sometimes i wonder how i got to where i am and then i think to myself, "i start every entry like that..."
but honestly i lay here in the guest room of my parents house listening to the air desperately trying to pour out of a closed of vent in the upper right hand wall, i listen to the sounds of my aim, and that distant humming in your ear that is always there even in completely silent places ive always thought of that humming as body noise...that unescapable noise that is creeping from every working organ in your body ever unconciously day in and day out. sometime when your all alone in an empty house or room and it is quiet listen for it...i can remember nights like these before in my life laying there wondering if there was anyone else lying somewhere like i was...like i am listening to that hum and thinking how unbearably loud it really was when we stopped to listen? How cruel that voided humming was when you grasped the saddness of what it meant in that moment, that you were alone and lonely enough to spend precious hours listening to your body working itself through another day, working itself down into another night of sleeplessness. Coughing from the other room concerns me not in a strong emotion type of way like "oh maybe i should check on them", or "oh i hope they are alright" but in that "she never thinks of herself or her own health" kind of way. and even though as i sit here growing older and hopefully wiser by the second i know i cant change her i also know that as time goes on everyday we waste so much time that could be spent together. I am tired and lonely and i know that both of those stem from auntie flow more then anything else, but still as lie here alone in my sisters old bed listening to the body noise and the closed off vent i cant help but think about and miss the feeling of belonging and importance that can only be given by another person.
i miss it...thats all...nothing more and nothing less
where is my big spoon when i need her...miss you carly smarly you can always make me feel better when shit gets me down :)
but honestly i lay here in the guest room of my parents house listening to the air desperately trying to pour out of a closed of vent in the upper right hand wall, i listen to the sounds of my aim, and that distant humming in your ear that is always there even in completely silent places ive always thought of that humming as body noise...that unescapable noise that is creeping from every working organ in your body ever unconciously day in and day out. sometime when your all alone in an empty house or room and it is quiet listen for it...i can remember nights like these before in my life laying there wondering if there was anyone else lying somewhere like i was...like i am listening to that hum and thinking how unbearably loud it really was when we stopped to listen? How cruel that voided humming was when you grasped the saddness of what it meant in that moment, that you were alone and lonely enough to spend precious hours listening to your body working itself through another day, working itself down into another night of sleeplessness. Coughing from the other room concerns me not in a strong emotion type of way like "oh maybe i should check on them", or "oh i hope they are alright" but in that "she never thinks of herself or her own health" kind of way. and even though as i sit here growing older and hopefully wiser by the second i know i cant change her i also know that as time goes on everyday we waste so much time that could be spent together. I am tired and lonely and i know that both of those stem from auntie flow more then anything else, but still as lie here alone in my sisters old bed listening to the body noise and the closed off vent i cant help but think about and miss the feeling of belonging and importance that can only be given by another person.
i miss it...thats all...nothing more and nothing less
where is my big spoon when i need her...miss you carly smarly you can always make me feel better when shit gets me down :)