Things that cause turmoil for me.
Right now, I have a lot of swirling brain turmoil going on. As I mentioned in last entry? The Sandinista album as an album helps calm some, or most, of the turmoil if I listen to it.
I do cry at weird times, without warning. It can be utterly unrelated to what I or other people are talking about at the moment I tear up. People have noticed me fighting it off when it tries to happen.
As far as I can figure, so far, 3 causes are behind all this emotional upheaval.
#1: Almost 15 months of forced social distancing and little contact with other people beyond my immediate, dysfunctional, family.
It has unmoored my thoughts, feelings, and sense of self to not be able to randomly talk to people for so long. To only get negativity in response to anything I say from those I live with. It has created wounds that are raw in my emotional well-being.
#2: Not being certain if I can work in the line of work I have been doing after all this.
I was getting somewhere and the rug got pulled out from under me. Can I regain my footing or am I adrift again in constant unemployment? My putting out feelers bring back nothing.
I am worried beyond worried...and it is right when I desperately need to move out of my living aituation. And "just get any job for now" is an utter bullahit suggestion since "any job" would pay so poorly that I could not move out AND I would hate my existance even more as I toiled away at an ill-suited job that used none of my years of skills for low low wage. That sounds "egotistical" to you? Whatever asshole...I don't see you flipping burgers at McDonalds and coming home to constant negative pushback from 3 family members and unable to move out due to lack of money.
#3: I am almost 50. I had the world waste the last two years of my 40s with stupid response to the pandemic. Making it time wasted.
I could have made something of that time before being officially old to many people. I cannot get that time back. It makes me upset just thinking about it.
There may be more things but those are the big 3. The things that have me in inner turmoil and my brain overwhelmed. Why I cry at the smallest things.
I am currently a mess and trying to keep my head above the waves some days. So, that is where my head is at.
I do cry at weird times, without warning. It can be utterly unrelated to what I or other people are talking about at the moment I tear up. People have noticed me fighting it off when it tries to happen.
As far as I can figure, so far, 3 causes are behind all this emotional upheaval.
#1: Almost 15 months of forced social distancing and little contact with other people beyond my immediate, dysfunctional, family.
It has unmoored my thoughts, feelings, and sense of self to not be able to randomly talk to people for so long. To only get negativity in response to anything I say from those I live with. It has created wounds that are raw in my emotional well-being.
#2: Not being certain if I can work in the line of work I have been doing after all this.
I was getting somewhere and the rug got pulled out from under me. Can I regain my footing or am I adrift again in constant unemployment? My putting out feelers bring back nothing.
I am worried beyond worried...and it is right when I desperately need to move out of my living aituation. And "just get any job for now" is an utter bullahit suggestion since "any job" would pay so poorly that I could not move out AND I would hate my existance even more as I toiled away at an ill-suited job that used none of my years of skills for low low wage. That sounds "egotistical" to you? Whatever asshole...I don't see you flipping burgers at McDonalds and coming home to constant negative pushback from 3 family members and unable to move out due to lack of money.
#3: I am almost 50. I had the world waste the last two years of my 40s with stupid response to the pandemic. Making it time wasted.
I could have made something of that time before being officially old to many people. I cannot get that time back. It makes me upset just thinking about it.
There may be more things but those are the big 3. The things that have me in inner turmoil and my brain overwhelmed. Why I cry at the smallest things.
I am currently a mess and trying to keep my head above the waves some days. So, that is where my head is at.