back from the grind... oddly enough, my mom's day thoughts
so i just got over the Big Two. two days ago. i was really aiming for some semblance of excellence this time around, so as to offset the mediocrity i inflicted at the Big One, but it seems that focus eluded me yet again. i feel sort of ashamed, but what can you do? not to go holy-roller on you all, but i felt i was given another chance to do better by God, and i sort of wasted it. i'm like, what is WRONG with me? but then again, i sort of believe in what that show Joan of Arcadia said... about Him being all about the chances to do good... "what are you going to do now?... that's what I'm all about..." and that's what makes Him different from the other side. so here i am, plodding on, on to the next phase called the Big Two-Bee. just relying on faith here...
which leads me to thinking about why i'm still deciding to go through with this... it's because my mom always chastises me with a frustrated yet sympathetic "shadow, you of little faith!" whenever i run to her in my bouts of uncertainty and whatnot. she then reminds me of how we were able to scrounge up some money almost last minute through unexpected small turns of fortune to go through applying for the Big Two, how in spite of my mediocre performace in the Big One, my head was above water... all in all, how, somehow, things are being made possible in a miraculous manner, considering the circumstances. and so, because of all this, she continues to support me, and make the sacrifices to make my dreams come true
don't get me wrong, my mom ain't religious in the usual sense, but she stands by the idea of moving mountains through the strength coming from fervent, sincere belief . if you listen to her, you'll be sold on it too, for she isn't perfect, nor does she purport herself to be so. she's a principled, yet practical, pragmatic and objective woman who hates bullsh*t that she's a formidable woman to be with. she prides herself on her intellect, so i guess that lends some credibility when she speaks on the profound, the heartfelt, and the sentimental. if she has faith in something, it isn't blind.
and the great thing about it all is that she never forgot to love me and be my friend. even if i forget to be her good daughter sometimes. okay, lots of times. ;)
there are so much i can say about her, but i'm just at a loss for words and choking up right now. mom... my confidante, mentor, friend, match, sounding board, nemesis, mirror, cheerleader, gay icon, intellectual motivator, aesthetic advisor, and moral barometer... there's just so much love between us, and i'm constatnly praying that i'll learn to love you better.