(no subject)
"Either you fuck her, or i'll make her wish you had"
this is the choice steve put to matt at about 2:30 this morning
steve mustve woken up and realized, oh wow i havent made kat want to crawl into a hole and die lately...maybe I should fix that!
he called matt and i into the living room and had a gun in his hand, his .45. he put it under matt's chin and told him that, but i could still hear him. i figured matt wouldnt. figured he'd act the way he always did. just brush steve off with some derrisive, smart-ass comment. it usually worked out great for him, cause he wanted someone to push back, he pushed and wanted someone to push back. and steve would. and they'd get all their tesosterone out and they'd both be, in some sick way, oddly satisfied. no kat required. but i guess something changed, cause when matt gave his usual "go fuck a tree, dickhead", steve just laughed and pushed the gun under his chin harder, and after a second i realized that matt was on his tiptoes and choking
maybe stupidly, i yelled at steve to stop it! he was hurting him
steve moved away the gun and grabbed matt and kept him up when he stumbled and fell towards him, coughing and sputtering
so now matt was looking at me, and i knew he'd do what steve told him to. he knew that if he didnt, steve would make it much, much worse.
stupidly, the first thing i thought of when i realized that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest, when Will's dad choses to whip him instead of the other guy, so will didnt get any more hurt...he was doing it to help him, but to will he was still getting lashes so what'd it matter?
then steve said, go on matt, and made a little pushing gesture towards me, and he told me to lie down on the ground
i did, wondering (again, stupidly, it seems, in retrospect) where steve came up w/ this idea. it wasnt a very steve-ish idea. he was a i'll-hit-you-when-you-mouth-off-and-you-wont-mouth-off-again-and-we'll-go-on-with-our-lives kind of guy. this was way too sadistic-voyeristic-over-the-top-REVOLTING for him. it was something i would have expected from roger (me and matt's adoptive father before steve),not steve. what was going on? suddenly, i thought maybe i was dreaming? wouldnt that be nice and then i realized that my eyes were closed. wow omg i might actually be dreaming...? nope. i opened my eyes and matt was standing above me, looking like he wanted to either cry or turn green and into the Hulk and kill steve right there on the spot. as much as i really really wished it would be the second, i didnt think matt was going to be turning green anytime soon. green really isnt his colour
go on, matt, steve said, guesturing with the gun this time. matt grit his teeth and ground them together and got on his knees beside me. steve sighed and whacked matt in the back of the head with the gun faster than i'd seen him move in awhile and matt, as surprised as i was, fell onto me. unable to breathe for a second, i gasped a little and just as fast, he got up so he was over me on his hands and knees, a hand on either side of my head, holding him up. his knees were on either side of my legs (cause matt's got about a foot on me. he's just about taller than steve, but steve's alot bigger than him, steve being overweight and muscley and matt being on the skinnier side and tending to slouch a little)
steve crouched down next to me and told matt to kiss me
matt didnt move and i swear that my heart stopped...or at least skipped
steve sighed again, much louder this time, and said listen matt this is not complicated. you either kiss her, or move the hell out of my way
so i guess it came back to the Pirates thing, cause (good thing he's good at pushups otherwise he might of squished me) matt leant close to me (i closed my eyes so idk what his expression was) and he kissed me. (and i use the word lightly. his lips touched mine)
we were both breathing so hard and so scared that im surprised it even counted. i could feel matts arms shaking and he was close enough that i could hear his heart. it was going just about as fast as mine was
steve laghed a little and i felt him patt matt on the back cause matt bent towards me a little and i dont blame him for that at all. id take matt over steve any day. i opened my eyes and matt looked ready to kill someone. i held out that maybe he would get up and kill steve.
[but would i? grief this has brought so many questions with it i dont even want to deal with them now. i'll focus on getting out the story then maybe we'll go from there?]
steve said enjoyed that did ya? matt growled a little and steve said well you'd better've cause that was the worst "kiss" that ive ever seen. gimme a better one. and he made a little camera w/ his hands
matt was shaking now, but i dont/didnt think it was out of excess of the same emotion that was making me shake. i was afraid and i think that matt was angry. like really freaking angry. like i'll do whatever just to get this over with so i can fucking kill you angry
which didnt help my fear ANY
matt said sorry really quietly and leaned closer to me and i could hardly close my eyes fast enough before his mouth was on mine. after i have no idea how long (couldve been an hour, couldve been thirty seconds. it felt like at least half an hour, but hello when have i ever been any good at keeping my head in situations like this???) matt pulled away and inhaled through his nose and mouth and i opened my eyes and looked right at him. maybe i could suddenly have laser vision and i could melt him a little. that was totally uncalled for. i dont care how mad he was or what he was trying to protect me from that was so totally not cool
steve patted matt on the back again and said there ya go mattie (ugh he calls him that sometimes. it drives matt as crazy as it does me but he'd never say anything about it so i have to and i usually do cause its sooo annoying!!!!) enjoyed that one, did ya?
matt didnt say anything, and he looked troubled, like he couldnt make up his mind. certainly not the vehement no way you fucking perverted mother fucking...yeah you get the picture yeah none of that
i wasnt sure why at the time, (altho i think i have a pretty good idea why now) but it seemed odd, steve's expression and voice combined with this look on matt's face i really wasnt used to seeing on his face
indesicion
Sounding suddenly like Emperor Palpatine on crack, steve was like very good. so go a bit further...go with it, you know you've always wanted to...
me: *thinks* so who said that this would be less hurtful than what steve might do? at least i hate him. but w/ matt...? shitshitshitshitshit
So for about the next hour, matt went on to follow steve's instructions, but for what reason(s), i dont know
the instructions themselves were, well...sucky, actually. pretty much they just got worse from there but i'll spare anyone that's actually had the stomach to read thru all this so far and not continue the way i hav cause im about to make myself sick (again) so basically it got worse from kissing my mouth to kissing anything above my waist steve could think of to being fingered to oral to actual sex [and is that what it was? or was it rape? arghhhh im sooooooooooooooo confused. the words i have are completely inadequate to describe how confusing (and angry,actually) this makes me] and a couple other things that steve thought of that i dont even know a name for, G-d forbid if they actually have a name so someone had to come up w/ them and they've happened to other ppl
aaahhh
i hate this!!!!!!!!!!
not just for the no fucking shit reasons either
i mean, so how in the hell does this square with everything else?
gahhhhh
you know whats actually equal parts ridiculously sad and hilariously funny?
im so bothered by all the questions that this brought up that the emotional part of it hasnt really hit me yet. im hoping, maybe, by that definition, that if i just stick to the logical then the emotional part will never hurt. i highly doubt it, but even so. it never hurts to hope?
Ok. so here are some of the more immediate questions that i hav
1) what in the hell was what matt did? rape? sex? shrapex? not even kidding. usually, that would be my Grade A Sarcasm kicking in. But now? Christ, i have no idea!!!!!!
2) so why did matt do that? seriously what did he think could have been worse? he left early this morning and hasnt been home since, and quite frankly, im glad. i'm gonna tear him a freaking new one when he gets back. i hope he hits me or shows some sort of emotion cause if he doesnt i'll be even madder. he'd better not just sweep this under his litttle "Rug Under Which I Hide All My Feelings" cause i cant do that and this concerns both of us, but really this time
3) where in the fucking hell did steve come up with that? seriously, it's horrible. whoever came up with it should be shot. taken out back and shot. in the face. with a .45. by the person they trust most in the entire world. arghhhhhhhh
4) why did steve do that? he's never been into the whole "woo i get off watching kat and matt suffer" thing. roger sure as fuck was, but he told us that! with his whole "well kids, im studying the affects of fear and pain on people. would you like to be the subjects for my child study?" yeah we got that. but why steve? he's a lawyer for G-d's sake. he's never been into anythinglike that. ever. at all. so why start now? christ well its quite the intro into the whole field, i gotta hand that at least to him. gahh
5) what was matt thinking? why did he do that? how could he? on some level, the level on which i still consider myself to be very young, i think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. matt hurt me. why did he do that? what did i do wrong? does he hate me? should i hate him? but its matt. but he hurt me. but steve made him. steve threatened him. but did he have to? why did he?
yeah you can see where that (^) would get me. absolutely NOwhere
so yeah. there it is and here's me officially going to take some more painkillers for my headache and my general mind and body ache
*curses at world and becomes resigned to moving to live on mars* maybe the martians are nicer
this is the choice steve put to matt at about 2:30 this morning
steve mustve woken up and realized, oh wow i havent made kat want to crawl into a hole and die lately...maybe I should fix that!
he called matt and i into the living room and had a gun in his hand, his .45. he put it under matt's chin and told him that, but i could still hear him. i figured matt wouldnt. figured he'd act the way he always did. just brush steve off with some derrisive, smart-ass comment. it usually worked out great for him, cause he wanted someone to push back, he pushed and wanted someone to push back. and steve would. and they'd get all their tesosterone out and they'd both be, in some sick way, oddly satisfied. no kat required. but i guess something changed, cause when matt gave his usual "go fuck a tree, dickhead", steve just laughed and pushed the gun under his chin harder, and after a second i realized that matt was on his tiptoes and choking
maybe stupidly, i yelled at steve to stop it! he was hurting him
steve moved away the gun and grabbed matt and kept him up when he stumbled and fell towards him, coughing and sputtering
so now matt was looking at me, and i knew he'd do what steve told him to. he knew that if he didnt, steve would make it much, much worse.
stupidly, the first thing i thought of when i realized that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest, when Will's dad choses to whip him instead of the other guy, so will didnt get any more hurt...he was doing it to help him, but to will he was still getting lashes so what'd it matter?
then steve said, go on matt, and made a little pushing gesture towards me, and he told me to lie down on the ground
i did, wondering (again, stupidly, it seems, in retrospect) where steve came up w/ this idea. it wasnt a very steve-ish idea. he was a i'll-hit-you-when-you-mouth-off-and-you-wont-mouth-off-again-and-we'll-go-on-with-our-lives kind of guy. this was way too sadistic-voyeristic-over-the-top-REVOLTING for him. it was something i would have expected from roger (me and matt's adoptive father before steve),not steve. what was going on? suddenly, i thought maybe i was dreaming? wouldnt that be nice and then i realized that my eyes were closed. wow omg i might actually be dreaming...? nope. i opened my eyes and matt was standing above me, looking like he wanted to either cry or turn green and into the Hulk and kill steve right there on the spot. as much as i really really wished it would be the second, i didnt think matt was going to be turning green anytime soon. green really isnt his colour
go on, matt, steve said, guesturing with the gun this time. matt grit his teeth and ground them together and got on his knees beside me. steve sighed and whacked matt in the back of the head with the gun faster than i'd seen him move in awhile and matt, as surprised as i was, fell onto me. unable to breathe for a second, i gasped a little and just as fast, he got up so he was over me on his hands and knees, a hand on either side of my head, holding him up. his knees were on either side of my legs (cause matt's got about a foot on me. he's just about taller than steve, but steve's alot bigger than him, steve being overweight and muscley and matt being on the skinnier side and tending to slouch a little)
steve crouched down next to me and told matt to kiss me
matt didnt move and i swear that my heart stopped...or at least skipped
steve sighed again, much louder this time, and said listen matt this is not complicated. you either kiss her, or move the hell out of my way
so i guess it came back to the Pirates thing, cause (good thing he's good at pushups otherwise he might of squished me) matt leant close to me (i closed my eyes so idk what his expression was) and he kissed me. (and i use the word lightly. his lips touched mine)
we were both breathing so hard and so scared that im surprised it even counted. i could feel matts arms shaking and he was close enough that i could hear his heart. it was going just about as fast as mine was
steve laghed a little and i felt him patt matt on the back cause matt bent towards me a little and i dont blame him for that at all. id take matt over steve any day. i opened my eyes and matt looked ready to kill someone. i held out that maybe he would get up and kill steve.
[but would i? grief this has brought so many questions with it i dont even want to deal with them now. i'll focus on getting out the story then maybe we'll go from there?]
steve said enjoyed that did ya? matt growled a little and steve said well you'd better've cause that was the worst "kiss" that ive ever seen. gimme a better one. and he made a little camera w/ his hands
matt was shaking now, but i dont/didnt think it was out of excess of the same emotion that was making me shake. i was afraid and i think that matt was angry. like really freaking angry. like i'll do whatever just to get this over with so i can fucking kill you angry
which didnt help my fear ANY
matt said sorry really quietly and leaned closer to me and i could hardly close my eyes fast enough before his mouth was on mine. after i have no idea how long (couldve been an hour, couldve been thirty seconds. it felt like at least half an hour, but hello when have i ever been any good at keeping my head in situations like this???) matt pulled away and inhaled through his nose and mouth and i opened my eyes and looked right at him. maybe i could suddenly have laser vision and i could melt him a little. that was totally uncalled for. i dont care how mad he was or what he was trying to protect me from that was so totally not cool
steve patted matt on the back again and said there ya go mattie (ugh he calls him that sometimes. it drives matt as crazy as it does me but he'd never say anything about it so i have to and i usually do cause its sooo annoying!!!!) enjoyed that one, did ya?
matt didnt say anything, and he looked troubled, like he couldnt make up his mind. certainly not the vehement no way you fucking perverted mother fucking...yeah you get the picture yeah none of that
i wasnt sure why at the time, (altho i think i have a pretty good idea why now) but it seemed odd, steve's expression and voice combined with this look on matt's face i really wasnt used to seeing on his face
indesicion
Sounding suddenly like Emperor Palpatine on crack, steve was like very good. so go a bit further...go with it, you know you've always wanted to...
me: *thinks* so who said that this would be less hurtful than what steve might do? at least i hate him. but w/ matt...? shitshitshitshitshit
So for about the next hour, matt went on to follow steve's instructions, but for what reason(s), i dont know
the instructions themselves were, well...sucky, actually. pretty much they just got worse from there but i'll spare anyone that's actually had the stomach to read thru all this so far and not continue the way i hav cause im about to make myself sick (again) so basically it got worse from kissing my mouth to kissing anything above my waist steve could think of to being fingered to oral to actual sex [and is that what it was? or was it rape? arghhhh im sooooooooooooooo confused. the words i have are completely inadequate to describe how confusing (and angry,actually) this makes me] and a couple other things that steve thought of that i dont even know a name for, G-d forbid if they actually have a name so someone had to come up w/ them and they've happened to other ppl
aaahhh
i hate this!!!!!!!!!!
not just for the no fucking shit reasons either
i mean, so how in the hell does this square with everything else?
gahhhhh
you know whats actually equal parts ridiculously sad and hilariously funny?
im so bothered by all the questions that this brought up that the emotional part of it hasnt really hit me yet. im hoping, maybe, by that definition, that if i just stick to the logical then the emotional part will never hurt. i highly doubt it, but even so. it never hurts to hope?
Ok. so here are some of the more immediate questions that i hav
1) what in the hell was what matt did? rape? sex? shrapex? not even kidding. usually, that would be my Grade A Sarcasm kicking in. But now? Christ, i have no idea!!!!!!
2) so why did matt do that? seriously what did he think could have been worse? he left early this morning and hasnt been home since, and quite frankly, im glad. i'm gonna tear him a freaking new one when he gets back. i hope he hits me or shows some sort of emotion cause if he doesnt i'll be even madder. he'd better not just sweep this under his litttle "Rug Under Which I Hide All My Feelings" cause i cant do that and this concerns both of us, but really this time
3) where in the fucking hell did steve come up with that? seriously, it's horrible. whoever came up with it should be shot. taken out back and shot. in the face. with a .45. by the person they trust most in the entire world. arghhhhhhhh
4) why did steve do that? he's never been into the whole "woo i get off watching kat and matt suffer" thing. roger sure as fuck was, but he told us that! with his whole "well kids, im studying the affects of fear and pain on people. would you like to be the subjects for my child study?" yeah we got that. but why steve? he's a lawyer for G-d's sake. he's never been into anythinglike that. ever. at all. so why start now? christ well its quite the intro into the whole field, i gotta hand that at least to him. gahh
5) what was matt thinking? why did he do that? how could he? on some level, the level on which i still consider myself to be very young, i think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. matt hurt me. why did he do that? what did i do wrong? does he hate me? should i hate him? but its matt. but he hurt me. but steve made him. steve threatened him. but did he have to? why did he?
yeah you can see where that (^) would get me. absolutely NOwhere
so yeah. there it is and here's me officially going to take some more painkillers for my headache and my general mind and body ache
*curses at world and becomes resigned to moving to live on mars* maybe the martians are nicer