(no subject)
You know, I really am bad. Those times I am feeling the most alone and solitary in life are when I am most quiet. Maybe if I would/could just say something, maybe reach out, then I would not feel so alone. I know I have a plethora of friends out there that I am not very good about reaching out to them. Sometimes I just need to know that someone cares, they really do give a damn. But I also feel that by asking for this, I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. (Did I use that right?) I don't want to hear these things because I ask for them, rather, I need them when I won't or can't ask. But then I put myself in a catch-22. How can others know this when I won't voice my need?
I was reminded of this today when I saw a reply by a very very dear friend Rictor, whom I have known for years. There are some people, like him, that I miss sooooo much. There are a few others as well and I am going to try and contact some of these friends, even if just to say hello. But as time marches on and the years are silent, are these friendships remembered?
I've always been a very private person. Even my husband doesn't know most of my most hidden dreams and desires. Why is this, I wonder? Am I still afraid of rejection? Is it that I have kept my life hidden for so long from so many people, that I just can't share my inner-most thoughts, desires and feelings.
I've always been the fat girl, the outcast, so what I would think and feel did not matter because I was said outcast. Now as the pounds are shedding, I must shed this outcast mentality. Don't take that wrong, It's not a lack of self-esteem. I hold myself in high regards, probably a lot higher then other people held me. Well, for a long time I didn't, but I have changed this.
Another thing, female companionship. I suck at maintaining female friends. I know exactly why this is. I do not trust most females. This trust issue goes back to 8th grade when my best friend turned on me in a fight and I got the shit kicked out of me. Literally. Ever since then I have had a problem with female relationships.
So much to think about, so much to ponder.
I want to start writing again. Why did I stop? Because then people can see inside me. When they see inside you, they can use your innermost desires against you. There is a lot of betrayel that I have had in my life, by friends and mostly family. If your family can betray you, why wouldn't it be easy for everyone else? I need to start opening some of these closed and hidden doors.
Oh yeah, and of this morning, I have lost 70 pounds.
I was reminded of this today when I saw a reply by a very very dear friend Rictor, whom I have known for years. There are some people, like him, that I miss sooooo much. There are a few others as well and I am going to try and contact some of these friends, even if just to say hello. But as time marches on and the years are silent, are these friendships remembered?
I've always been a very private person. Even my husband doesn't know most of my most hidden dreams and desires. Why is this, I wonder? Am I still afraid of rejection? Is it that I have kept my life hidden for so long from so many people, that I just can't share my inner-most thoughts, desires and feelings.
I've always been the fat girl, the outcast, so what I would think and feel did not matter because I was said outcast. Now as the pounds are shedding, I must shed this outcast mentality. Don't take that wrong, It's not a lack of self-esteem. I hold myself in high regards, probably a lot higher then other people held me. Well, for a long time I didn't, but I have changed this.
Another thing, female companionship. I suck at maintaining female friends. I know exactly why this is. I do not trust most females. This trust issue goes back to 8th grade when my best friend turned on me in a fight and I got the shit kicked out of me. Literally. Ever since then I have had a problem with female relationships.
So much to think about, so much to ponder.
I want to start writing again. Why did I stop? Because then people can see inside me. When they see inside you, they can use your innermost desires against you. There is a lot of betrayel that I have had in my life, by friends and mostly family. If your family can betray you, why wouldn't it be easy for everyone else? I need to start opening some of these closed and hidden doors.
Oh yeah, and of this morning, I have lost 70 pounds.