(no subject)
I just had a phone call with my step-mom. It was really frustrating and it hurt. Several months ago she and my grandma got in a fight and they've both been very upset about it ever since. Jen's absolutely refused to see Grandma ever since it happened. On the day of the fight I listen to Jen's side of the story and general woes for about an hour and made soothing noises. Before I left for school I did the same thing for Grandma and told her Jen's side of the story. Today I tried to do the same thing for Jen and she blew up at me. At me, the one who was just trying to make everything better.
She yelled at me for being sympathetic to Grandma and then she hung up on me. I am so sick of how immature she acts when she thinks she's been slighted, or is just in a bad mood. I hate the way she goes back and forth. When she's happy she tries to be my best friend and give me everything I could vaguely want. I'm the angel of the house who's the only one who will listen to her problems and care. When she's mad, when she senses that there's some chore that I don't want to do (note: I don't want to do it but that doesn't mean I won't) then I'm a "lazy bitch who won't get off [her] fat ass".
She's had a rough life. I get that. I try to be understanding because of that and because she's a housewife in a stereotypically under-appreciated kind of way. I feel like it's my duty as a feminist to stand by her. But I can't help feeling satisfied when Dad actually breaks down and yells at her.
Before I left I found a note she'd written to Dad a few months ago. It was her saying just how much she loves him, how devoted she is and how much she wishes she could find a way to make up for all the pain she's caused him and me.
Well, at least she's aware of it.
What I've realized though, is that right now I can't forgive her. I don't have it in me at this point in my life to forgive her for all the pain she's caused. Part of it is anger on my part, but another part is knowing that if I did she would only appreciate it until something else came along. I can't believe in her regret then, or her love for me. I just want her to go away. In some non-traumatizing, my brothers-won't-the-pain-of-losing-a-mother way.
She yelled at me for being sympathetic to Grandma and then she hung up on me. I am so sick of how immature she acts when she thinks she's been slighted, or is just in a bad mood. I hate the way she goes back and forth. When she's happy she tries to be my best friend and give me everything I could vaguely want. I'm the angel of the house who's the only one who will listen to her problems and care. When she's mad, when she senses that there's some chore that I don't want to do (note: I don't want to do it but that doesn't mean I won't) then I'm a "lazy bitch who won't get off [her] fat ass".
She's had a rough life. I get that. I try to be understanding because of that and because she's a housewife in a stereotypically under-appreciated kind of way. I feel like it's my duty as a feminist to stand by her. But I can't help feeling satisfied when Dad actually breaks down and yells at her.
Before I left I found a note she'd written to Dad a few months ago. It was her saying just how much she loves him, how devoted she is and how much she wishes she could find a way to make up for all the pain she's caused him and me.
Well, at least she's aware of it.
What I've realized though, is that right now I can't forgive her. I don't have it in me at this point in my life to forgive her for all the pain she's caused. Part of it is anger on my part, but another part is knowing that if I did she would only appreciate it until something else came along. I can't believe in her regret then, or her love for me. I just want her to go away. In some non-traumatizing, my brothers-won't-the-pain-of-losing-a-mother way.