It's like a mid-life crisis, only without the sports car and grey hair
I am 22 years old, a college graduate. I have a job, I have friends, I have a place that most of the time, I can confidently call my own. I've come far from my first ranting posts in 2001, but again, I've fallen into the same pits of the despair that have held me down for so many years.
I am my own worst critic. There is no one out there who can see my flaws, faults, and idiocy as well as I do. But for a long while, I believed I was capable of dealing with the real world. Unfortunately, harsh reality is a bitch. And just thinking about everything not only gives me a migraine, but making me slowly melt until I'm just a soggy mess of Katina. Handling kidney failure without health insurance and figuring out how you'll pay the bill. Paying off my credit cards and rent. But goddammit, either I'm not good enough, or I don't make enough money (or hell, fucking both) because this is getting too damn hard.
I just want to fucking scream. Fucking hate myself for what I've put myself into. I blame myself for everything. Everything. EVERYTHING. And even if this isn't true, and despite four years of therapy, I cannot convince myself otherwise. So, eventually, everything will fall on me. And after a certain amount of time, I'm just not strong enough to carry it. And I'm straining under everything so hard right now that I feel like I'm going to fall to pieces...and then I'll feel guilty about making my landlady clean it up.
I really don't know what to do with my life. Keep going? Making my low-paying but good entry level job work for me? HOW? I can barely afford to live? Get another job? Oh wait, first job has me come in 7 days a week. I honestly just feeling like selling everything I own, moving back to Idaho, and saving enough money until I can move to Asia or the South Pacific and travel and see and do. Not be depressed and so down on life that so little truly makes me feel good.
What the fuck does a girl do now?
I am my own worst critic. There is no one out there who can see my flaws, faults, and idiocy as well as I do. But for a long while, I believed I was capable of dealing with the real world. Unfortunately, harsh reality is a bitch. And just thinking about everything not only gives me a migraine, but making me slowly melt until I'm just a soggy mess of Katina. Handling kidney failure without health insurance and figuring out how you'll pay the bill. Paying off my credit cards and rent. But goddammit, either I'm not good enough, or I don't make enough money (or hell, fucking both) because this is getting too damn hard.
I just want to fucking scream. Fucking hate myself for what I've put myself into. I blame myself for everything. Everything. EVERYTHING. And even if this isn't true, and despite four years of therapy, I cannot convince myself otherwise. So, eventually, everything will fall on me. And after a certain amount of time, I'm just not strong enough to carry it. And I'm straining under everything so hard right now that I feel like I'm going to fall to pieces...and then I'll feel guilty about making my landlady clean it up.
I really don't know what to do with my life. Keep going? Making my low-paying but good entry level job work for me? HOW? I can barely afford to live? Get another job? Oh wait, first job has me come in 7 days a week. I honestly just feeling like selling everything I own, moving back to Idaho, and saving enough money until I can move to Asia or the South Pacific and travel and see and do. Not be depressed and so down on life that so little truly makes me feel good.
What the fuck does a girl do now?