(no subject)
So, when I worry, I really worry. I'm dating this GREAT guy who has the world at his feet. He's smart, handsome, funny, etc. Although our relationship has gotten deeper than it was at the beginning, I still feel shadowed by his love for his ex-fiance. They broke it off in July and I'm nothing like her. She's spontaneous and confident and funny in a crazy, weird way... and I get kinda boring sometimes, I harp on myself alot, and my jokes are often childish or uncalled for in the situation...
We started out dating last year about August time. I was looking for a rebound from Jake and he was (like I said) a very handsome guy. We dated for about a month and then broke up for a month. Then we dated for 2 or 3 more and then broke up again. We quit talking really. He quit answering my calls and I eventually quit calling. I still thought about him alot cuz I had learned so much from him in the short amount of time that I had spent with him. He taught me about confidence and about relaxing on an every day basis. I know I work myself up alot so it was wonderful to be around him. He made me calm.
We talked again in late May/early June of this year. He filled me in on the fact that he had dated this wonderful girl and that she had lied to him and broke his heart a little and told me all kinds of things. He then invited me to go camping out with a group of his friends that I had never met. And long, long story short: he ended up hooking up with a friend of his that he had liked for years and had never done anything about. I vanished to him again while he fell in love with this girl. He proposed to her after a little while and things were great for him. I stood by and read his MySpace and sent him my congrats on his happiness. I was all kinds of proud cuz he really deserves everything good to happen to him. And again, long, long story short: they broke up for good.
We started talking again and hanging out. We became friends with benefits and talked about it and decided to keep our "relationship" on a completely non-committal basis. He didn't need another REAL girlfriend after two broken hearts in a row and I didn't need a REAL boyfriend after my broken heart over Jake. I needed to have a relaxing "relationship" for once. We went on like that for quite a while. Over time, we started spending more and more time together until one day he called me his girlfriend... I was astonished and didn't really say anything about it just in case he did it by accident. And again, long, long story short: we were officially dating. We began to enjoy each other's company much more than those first two times of dating... and it became a beautiful thing. He did the sweetest little things and I was somehow able to keep my mind out of the whole "and we'll live happily ever after" phase. I moved an hour away to a new town and drove to see him every weekend and we continued to keep the relationship non-committal but now it was nice cuz I knew that he wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him but that was the end of it. It was exactly what I needed--just a relaxing relationship.
Now, he had joined the Coast Guard early this year and was looking to ship out in January or February 2007. Then it became January 2007 and after a while it became November 2006 or January 2007. We talked about when he left and decided that when he did... we would just be over... you know, "That was nice. See you later" kind of thing. We continued to keep the relationship light in the meantime since there really was no sense in making it anything more. A little while after that it came to rise that he needed to move out of his apartment. I just so happened to have a spare bedroom in my new house and, after discussion, he decided to move in with me until he got called off to his Coast Guard boot camp. He was on the "short list" which meant he could leave any day but it seemed like he wasn't going to be going til January 2007 so that would give him about 2 months to live with me before he went.
AND, OF COURSE, WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME WHEN SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY GOING THE WAY I WANT IT TO IN MY LIFE? It crashed down around my feet. The day before he was to move in with me, THE DAY BEFORE, he got his orders and was told he was shipping out in 3 weeks from then -- November 14th, 2006. I was devastated, but I figured that I should've been expecting it since shit like this always happens to me... I sucked it up and decided that I would make the best out of what time I had left with him since it would be over when he left. He told me that in lieu of moving in with me, he would at least come spend a week with me at my house before he left. It was marvelous. He makes me laugh all the time and although we've had our differences, I always ended up wanting to kiss him just as much as I did the second before or the hour before or the week before or from the first time we hung out. We continued to hang out and eventually it came to rise in a drunken conversation with one of my friends that he "wouldn't know what he was missing" when he left. He looked at me and said, "Yeah, I do." My friend then stuck his foot in his mouth and said, "You know, she'd follow you to the end of the earth" and he looked at me and smiled his beautiful smile and said, "We'll see." First, I was pissed at my friend for saying such a thing. Yeah, my friend knows me like no one else. My friend knows that when I'm happy in a relationship and happy like I was with a relationship, then, yeah, I would go anywhere and do anything to keep that happiness alive. I was pissed that he said it though cuz I didn't want my boyfriend to think that I was clinging or obsessive or that I thought anything but that we'd be over when he left... as was originally agreed. Then it struck me that my boyfriend hadn't said, "Eh..." or "No" or just gone silent... he had actually looked genuinely happy and said, "We'll see." I didn't know what to think but that it was just a stupid thing that he said while drinking... I blew it off.
Then Sweetest Day came. Sweetest Day is a made up Hallmark holiday and I know this. However, Sweetest Day is one of my favorite 'holidays' cuz it's better than Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is for everyone that you love... yet, Sweetest Day is for the one person that is your sweetest. That's why I love that day. If I get anything on Sweetest Day, I celebrate. I would love to find myself being someone's sweetest! Anyway, on this day (which just so happened to be the day that he was supposed to move in), he brings me a small gift and a card. The card was silly and made me laugh just like he does every day. But, he wrote on the inside, "This is see you later, not "Bye." Just think in a few months you might be able to just be a beach bum all day..." I must've done a back flip inside. My face just grinned as big as it could get and I hugged him and thanked him for the present... yet, again, I took his words with a grain of salt... He had still only broken up with the girl of his dreams, the one he was going to MARRY a mere 3 months before.
Time continued... and one day he asked me if I would come with him. I played dumb and said, "Where? To the store?" He gave me a dirty look and I got serious and said exactly how I felt... "It would depend on if I was invited." I won't follow him to the end of the earth blindly. That's what I did with my first love, my roommate that turned into a disaster, and with Jake. Yet, I will follow him to the end of the earth if he wanted me by his side. If I knew that he wanted me around, that he wanted to spend more time with me, that he wanted to see what could be, then, yeah, I would be right by his side without question. I wouldn't say that I love him, by no means could I say that yet. But, I will say that he is a wonderful guy and deserves to have the world with or without me.
Now it's November 9th, 5 days until he leaves. He came to stay with me this past week and it was... alright. I felt like I was boring and uninteresting. I felt like he wanted to leave. I felt... worried. No talk has come up about us beyond boot camp again. Should it? *Shrug* I have no idea. We've been dating for about 4 months now. We're not in love. We're complete opposites. We come from different walks of life and have different desires. I don't think that we're "meant for each other" but we definitely have grown on each other. I try to calm myself on a daily basis now. I don't want to lose him, but I shouldn't even have to think that since we were supposed to end it when he left anyway. I'm afraid he doesn't want me around anymore, but I shouldn't even think that since we were supposed to end it when he left anyway. I'm worried and I should really have no reason to be... except that he's a great guy and he likes me and I've never had this before. I guy who doesn't fake it... it's... hard to believe. After the first love who threw my love away, the second love who ground my heart up in a blender and ate it for breakfast, and Jake who simply didn't care enough to make compromises to continue our love, I'm ready to have someone who just wants to be around me. Not someone who wants to marry me, not someone who loves me, not someone who worships me... just someone that wakes up in the morning and thinks, "I gotta call her today."
Love will come in time. That is something that he taught me whether he meant to or not. Love doesn't happen over night or even in a few months. Love is out there, but I don't care right now. I want to wake up next to him so that he can tickle me til I feel like peeing in my pants. I want to hang out with him so that he can randomly bite me on places like my calf or forearm and leave bite marks on the strangest places. I want to sit next to him in movie theaters and laugh when he tries to stick his wet finger in my ear... and I want to lay next to him so that I can give him a goodnight kiss and smell him as I fall asleep. I want to give him everything that I could possibly offer because he deserves it and because I want to... He is smart, handsome, and funny. He is exciting, hyper, and silly. He is confident, powerful, and strong. He is a great guy... My problem lies in the fact that I don't believe that I can live up to what he deserves. It's not that I doubt myself personally, it's just that he deserves so much good... and I am nothing like the girl he was going to marry. I'm not going to ever be as wonderful as her... and I think that he deserves someone that will be as great as her. Don't get me wrong though, I would jump at the chance to be with him if he chose me, but I just don't think he will. And, also don't get me wrong, he is not perfect. He has his flaws just like everyone else. It's just that his flaws are so menial compared to most. His flaws make him... him.
He is a great guy. One of VERY few I've met thus far in my life. He is going to make some girl very happy some day and I plan on being at his wedding even if I have to stand in the back row by the door. I want to see this guy happy more than I have ever wanted to see someone happy in my entire life. He deserves love and he deserves to be IN love. Whatever happens when he leaves, whether we talk again or not, whether we hang out again or not, whether we break up or not, I want everyone to know that this guy is one of few. One of very few. He is joining the Coast Guard to be a rescue swimmer, to save lives. He deserves to find someone that he will let save him.
Good luck, God bless, and we'll see what happens.
We started out dating last year about August time. I was looking for a rebound from Jake and he was (like I said) a very handsome guy. We dated for about a month and then broke up for a month. Then we dated for 2 or 3 more and then broke up again. We quit talking really. He quit answering my calls and I eventually quit calling. I still thought about him alot cuz I had learned so much from him in the short amount of time that I had spent with him. He taught me about confidence and about relaxing on an every day basis. I know I work myself up alot so it was wonderful to be around him. He made me calm.
We talked again in late May/early June of this year. He filled me in on the fact that he had dated this wonderful girl and that she had lied to him and broke his heart a little and told me all kinds of things. He then invited me to go camping out with a group of his friends that I had never met. And long, long story short: he ended up hooking up with a friend of his that he had liked for years and had never done anything about. I vanished to him again while he fell in love with this girl. He proposed to her after a little while and things were great for him. I stood by and read his MySpace and sent him my congrats on his happiness. I was all kinds of proud cuz he really deserves everything good to happen to him. And again, long, long story short: they broke up for good.
We started talking again and hanging out. We became friends with benefits and talked about it and decided to keep our "relationship" on a completely non-committal basis. He didn't need another REAL girlfriend after two broken hearts in a row and I didn't need a REAL boyfriend after my broken heart over Jake. I needed to have a relaxing "relationship" for once. We went on like that for quite a while. Over time, we started spending more and more time together until one day he called me his girlfriend... I was astonished and didn't really say anything about it just in case he did it by accident. And again, long, long story short: we were officially dating. We began to enjoy each other's company much more than those first two times of dating... and it became a beautiful thing. He did the sweetest little things and I was somehow able to keep my mind out of the whole "and we'll live happily ever after" phase. I moved an hour away to a new town and drove to see him every weekend and we continued to keep the relationship non-committal but now it was nice cuz I knew that he wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him but that was the end of it. It was exactly what I needed--just a relaxing relationship.
Now, he had joined the Coast Guard early this year and was looking to ship out in January or February 2007. Then it became January 2007 and after a while it became November 2006 or January 2007. We talked about when he left and decided that when he did... we would just be over... you know, "That was nice. See you later" kind of thing. We continued to keep the relationship light in the meantime since there really was no sense in making it anything more. A little while after that it came to rise that he needed to move out of his apartment. I just so happened to have a spare bedroom in my new house and, after discussion, he decided to move in with me until he got called off to his Coast Guard boot camp. He was on the "short list" which meant he could leave any day but it seemed like he wasn't going to be going til January 2007 so that would give him about 2 months to live with me before he went.
AND, OF COURSE, WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME WHEN SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY GOING THE WAY I WANT IT TO IN MY LIFE? It crashed down around my feet. The day before he was to move in with me, THE DAY BEFORE, he got his orders and was told he was shipping out in 3 weeks from then -- November 14th, 2006. I was devastated, but I figured that I should've been expecting it since shit like this always happens to me... I sucked it up and decided that I would make the best out of what time I had left with him since it would be over when he left. He told me that in lieu of moving in with me, he would at least come spend a week with me at my house before he left. It was marvelous. He makes me laugh all the time and although we've had our differences, I always ended up wanting to kiss him just as much as I did the second before or the hour before or the week before or from the first time we hung out. We continued to hang out and eventually it came to rise in a drunken conversation with one of my friends that he "wouldn't know what he was missing" when he left. He looked at me and said, "Yeah, I do." My friend then stuck his foot in his mouth and said, "You know, she'd follow you to the end of the earth" and he looked at me and smiled his beautiful smile and said, "We'll see." First, I was pissed at my friend for saying such a thing. Yeah, my friend knows me like no one else. My friend knows that when I'm happy in a relationship and happy like I was with a relationship, then, yeah, I would go anywhere and do anything to keep that happiness alive. I was pissed that he said it though cuz I didn't want my boyfriend to think that I was clinging or obsessive or that I thought anything but that we'd be over when he left... as was originally agreed. Then it struck me that my boyfriend hadn't said, "Eh..." or "No" or just gone silent... he had actually looked genuinely happy and said, "We'll see." I didn't know what to think but that it was just a stupid thing that he said while drinking... I blew it off.
Then Sweetest Day came. Sweetest Day is a made up Hallmark holiday and I know this. However, Sweetest Day is one of my favorite 'holidays' cuz it's better than Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is for everyone that you love... yet, Sweetest Day is for the one person that is your sweetest. That's why I love that day. If I get anything on Sweetest Day, I celebrate. I would love to find myself being someone's sweetest! Anyway, on this day (which just so happened to be the day that he was supposed to move in), he brings me a small gift and a card. The card was silly and made me laugh just like he does every day. But, he wrote on the inside, "This is see you later, not "Bye." Just think in a few months you might be able to just be a beach bum all day..." I must've done a back flip inside. My face just grinned as big as it could get and I hugged him and thanked him for the present... yet, again, I took his words with a grain of salt... He had still only broken up with the girl of his dreams, the one he was going to MARRY a mere 3 months before.
Time continued... and one day he asked me if I would come with him. I played dumb and said, "Where? To the store?" He gave me a dirty look and I got serious and said exactly how I felt... "It would depend on if I was invited." I won't follow him to the end of the earth blindly. That's what I did with my first love, my roommate that turned into a disaster, and with Jake. Yet, I will follow him to the end of the earth if he wanted me by his side. If I knew that he wanted me around, that he wanted to spend more time with me, that he wanted to see what could be, then, yeah, I would be right by his side without question. I wouldn't say that I love him, by no means could I say that yet. But, I will say that he is a wonderful guy and deserves to have the world with or without me.
Now it's November 9th, 5 days until he leaves. He came to stay with me this past week and it was... alright. I felt like I was boring and uninteresting. I felt like he wanted to leave. I felt... worried. No talk has come up about us beyond boot camp again. Should it? *Shrug* I have no idea. We've been dating for about 4 months now. We're not in love. We're complete opposites. We come from different walks of life and have different desires. I don't think that we're "meant for each other" but we definitely have grown on each other. I try to calm myself on a daily basis now. I don't want to lose him, but I shouldn't even have to think that since we were supposed to end it when he left anyway. I'm afraid he doesn't want me around anymore, but I shouldn't even think that since we were supposed to end it when he left anyway. I'm worried and I should really have no reason to be... except that he's a great guy and he likes me and I've never had this before. I guy who doesn't fake it... it's... hard to believe. After the first love who threw my love away, the second love who ground my heart up in a blender and ate it for breakfast, and Jake who simply didn't care enough to make compromises to continue our love, I'm ready to have someone who just wants to be around me. Not someone who wants to marry me, not someone who loves me, not someone who worships me... just someone that wakes up in the morning and thinks, "I gotta call her today."
Love will come in time. That is something that he taught me whether he meant to or not. Love doesn't happen over night or even in a few months. Love is out there, but I don't care right now. I want to wake up next to him so that he can tickle me til I feel like peeing in my pants. I want to hang out with him so that he can randomly bite me on places like my calf or forearm and leave bite marks on the strangest places. I want to sit next to him in movie theaters and laugh when he tries to stick his wet finger in my ear... and I want to lay next to him so that I can give him a goodnight kiss and smell him as I fall asleep. I want to give him everything that I could possibly offer because he deserves it and because I want to... He is smart, handsome, and funny. He is exciting, hyper, and silly. He is confident, powerful, and strong. He is a great guy... My problem lies in the fact that I don't believe that I can live up to what he deserves. It's not that I doubt myself personally, it's just that he deserves so much good... and I am nothing like the girl he was going to marry. I'm not going to ever be as wonderful as her... and I think that he deserves someone that will be as great as her. Don't get me wrong though, I would jump at the chance to be with him if he chose me, but I just don't think he will. And, also don't get me wrong, he is not perfect. He has his flaws just like everyone else. It's just that his flaws are so menial compared to most. His flaws make him... him.
He is a great guy. One of VERY few I've met thus far in my life. He is going to make some girl very happy some day and I plan on being at his wedding even if I have to stand in the back row by the door. I want to see this guy happy more than I have ever wanted to see someone happy in my entire life. He deserves love and he deserves to be IN love. Whatever happens when he leaves, whether we talk again or not, whether we hang out again or not, whether we break up or not, I want everyone to know that this guy is one of few. One of very few. He is joining the Coast Guard to be a rescue swimmer, to save lives. He deserves to find someone that he will let save him.
Good luck, God bless, and we'll see what happens.