(no subject)
Well, I was wrong to an extent. My phone rang at 5am on Monday night and it was one of Jake's friends. Jake got into some trouble with the law and drinking and he and his buddy needed picked up from the police station. I dragged myself out of bed and left to get them. Jake calls me while I'm on the way and apologizes for waking me up and such. I've not been in the mood to be playing any more of his games so I said that it was no problem and that I'd be there in a bit. He asked me if I was sleeping with anyone. I said, "Really, that's none of your business if I am or not." He said that as a friend he should be able to know. I told him that he can believe what he wants to believe cuz I wasn't going to say one way or another. He said that he'd know when he saw me by the look in my eyes whether or not I was sleeping with someone. I told him (again) to believe whatever he wanted. He then asked if I was mad at him for getting in trouble. I said, "No, I'm not mad. You can fuck up your life as much as you want, at least you're not fucking up mine anymore." There was a pause and then he said, "That was cold." I said something along the lines of it's not my job to be nice anymore. We talked for a minute or so longer and then I got off the phone. I picked the two up and drove them to their hotel. When I got there, I left my car running and got out to give them hugs before going. Jake turned my car off and I asked him what he was doing. He said that we needed to talk. His buddy went inside to bed and Jake and I went upstairs for him to change since he was still in his work clothes. After he changed, we went out into the hall and talked.
The biggest worry of Jake's (as of right now) is the Navy. He barely scraped into the nuclear engineering program with his police record and so he was told that he was not allowed to get into ANY trouble or he could be kicked out. He got a speeding ticket a month ago and came REALLY close to getting kicked out for that... but now... with this... there's no way that they'll keep him. Jake just fucked up his future in the Navy. As soon as the court system starts processing his violation, the Navy is going to kick him out of the nuclear program. Granted he can still be in the Navy as a private... but that's not Jake. Anyway, after talking for a bit, Jake started to get tears in his eyes as all of what just happened that night started to sink in. He said that he didn't have anything anymore and that he was wasting his life. He told me that he doesn't know why he ever let me go in the first place. He touched my face and looked in my eyes and told me that he missed me. I tried to be a hard ass about it and resist and I succeeded for a while. But he scooched over next to me and offered me a hug and I could hear him smelling my hair while we hugged. Eventually I said something about how things would have to change. He said, "We didn't talk enough." I agreed and said that that was probably the only thing wrong with us. We both had expectations of the other but never came clear to the other about what they were. Instead of talking about it, we would bottle it up until someone exploded and then all of the let-downs would come spewing out. He asked, "Why did we even break up?" I said, "I don't know. We are so good together when you're with me... but when you're with your friends you ignore me." He asked for examples so I named off a few and then he stopped me once he realized I was right. I also told him that there had to be no more lying. He asked me for examples of when he ever lied to me and I named off a few and then he tried to say that those weren't lies so much as dodging the questions. I paused and looked him in the eyes and said, "No. Those are lies. I can't have you lying to me. I'd rather you tell me the truth, no matter how painful, then lie to me. If I catch you in one lie, then I start to wonder if everything you say is a lie. So, NO MORE." Then he apologized. I asked him what he was apologizing for and he said, "Everything... You name it and I'm sorry." Me: "You can't apologize for things that you don't know you did wrong. Tell me something that you feel you have to apologize for." Jake paused and thought and then he gasped a little and his eyes got wide. He said, "I know the biggest thing that I did that I need to apologize for." Me (with a raised eyebrow): "What?" Jake: "I took you for granted. I thought that you'd always be there or that I didn't need you around... but I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry for taking you for granted." I smiled and told him that was a well-deserved apology. He said that he would make this work. He told me that he loves me and that he will be better. Eventually after a bit of coaxing on his part, we kissed and I guess that we're okay now. We're going to try and let it work.
I was SO convinced that this was over. I was moving on and destroying feelings for him. I told myself every day that I should get over him because he's obviously getting over me. And all this time he's been missing me. I told the story to my boss here at work and he warned me that "Jake is in the lowest spot he's ever been in and be careful because he might just be looking for someone to lean on for now." The thought had certainly crossed my mind once I realized all that that night meant to his future. I told Jake that my boss warned me that he might just be blowing smoke in my ass. Jake got very stern and told me that my boss was wrong and that things would be better. I know that neither one of us slept with anyone while we were broken up. I know that we both thought about each other more than anyone else. And I know that we both still love each other. If I could just relax and get all of these thoughts out of my head now that say that "It's only a matter of time before he doesn't want anything to do with you again. Just watch. He'll leave you once he doesn't need a shoulder to cry on anymore." My logic tells me that I have really nothing to worry about now. This is exactly what I was hoping for. This is exactly what needed to happen for him to realize his mistake... and he did. I should embrace it and have fun with him like we always did. *Sigh* He calls me in the middle of the day now just to see how my day's been going. Last night I spent the night with him. He literally got on his knees and begged me to stay when I said that I didn't think that I should. He said that he just wants to cuddle with me like we used to. He said that he wants to wake up with me next to him like we used to. So, of course I gave in to the man that I can not resist. Jake is beautiful even if he has no immediate successful future ahead... he will make it because he's a determined guy and with me by his side, he can't fail. He knows that too which is why I think he loves me so much. He knows that when he's with me he doesn't get into any trouble. He knows now that nothing he faces can be worse than losing me again. This 2nd try (which I hate giving 2nd chances to relationships) will work because, for once, Jake is more determined than I am to make the other happy. I love him and I always have. For now though, I'm going to enjoy life with him back in it and float on air for awhile since I know that he's going to spoil me for awhile. I really do believe that he might be the one for me... that this could be it. BUT, I guess we'll just wait and see.
The biggest worry of Jake's (as of right now) is the Navy. He barely scraped into the nuclear engineering program with his police record and so he was told that he was not allowed to get into ANY trouble or he could be kicked out. He got a speeding ticket a month ago and came REALLY close to getting kicked out for that... but now... with this... there's no way that they'll keep him. Jake just fucked up his future in the Navy. As soon as the court system starts processing his violation, the Navy is going to kick him out of the nuclear program. Granted he can still be in the Navy as a private... but that's not Jake. Anyway, after talking for a bit, Jake started to get tears in his eyes as all of what just happened that night started to sink in. He said that he didn't have anything anymore and that he was wasting his life. He told me that he doesn't know why he ever let me go in the first place. He touched my face and looked in my eyes and told me that he missed me. I tried to be a hard ass about it and resist and I succeeded for a while. But he scooched over next to me and offered me a hug and I could hear him smelling my hair while we hugged. Eventually I said something about how things would have to change. He said, "We didn't talk enough." I agreed and said that that was probably the only thing wrong with us. We both had expectations of the other but never came clear to the other about what they were. Instead of talking about it, we would bottle it up until someone exploded and then all of the let-downs would come spewing out. He asked, "Why did we even break up?" I said, "I don't know. We are so good together when you're with me... but when you're with your friends you ignore me." He asked for examples so I named off a few and then he stopped me once he realized I was right. I also told him that there had to be no more lying. He asked me for examples of when he ever lied to me and I named off a few and then he tried to say that those weren't lies so much as dodging the questions. I paused and looked him in the eyes and said, "No. Those are lies. I can't have you lying to me. I'd rather you tell me the truth, no matter how painful, then lie to me. If I catch you in one lie, then I start to wonder if everything you say is a lie. So, NO MORE." Then he apologized. I asked him what he was apologizing for and he said, "Everything... You name it and I'm sorry." Me: "You can't apologize for things that you don't know you did wrong. Tell me something that you feel you have to apologize for." Jake paused and thought and then he gasped a little and his eyes got wide. He said, "I know the biggest thing that I did that I need to apologize for." Me (with a raised eyebrow): "What?" Jake: "I took you for granted. I thought that you'd always be there or that I didn't need you around... but I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry for taking you for granted." I smiled and told him that was a well-deserved apology. He said that he would make this work. He told me that he loves me and that he will be better. Eventually after a bit of coaxing on his part, we kissed and I guess that we're okay now. We're going to try and let it work.
I was SO convinced that this was over. I was moving on and destroying feelings for him. I told myself every day that I should get over him because he's obviously getting over me. And all this time he's been missing me. I told the story to my boss here at work and he warned me that "Jake is in the lowest spot he's ever been in and be careful because he might just be looking for someone to lean on for now." The thought had certainly crossed my mind once I realized all that that night meant to his future. I told Jake that my boss warned me that he might just be blowing smoke in my ass. Jake got very stern and told me that my boss was wrong and that things would be better. I know that neither one of us slept with anyone while we were broken up. I know that we both thought about each other more than anyone else. And I know that we both still love each other. If I could just relax and get all of these thoughts out of my head now that say that "It's only a matter of time before he doesn't want anything to do with you again. Just watch. He'll leave you once he doesn't need a shoulder to cry on anymore." My logic tells me that I have really nothing to worry about now. This is exactly what I was hoping for. This is exactly what needed to happen for him to realize his mistake... and he did. I should embrace it and have fun with him like we always did. *Sigh* He calls me in the middle of the day now just to see how my day's been going. Last night I spent the night with him. He literally got on his knees and begged me to stay when I said that I didn't think that I should. He said that he just wants to cuddle with me like we used to. He said that he wants to wake up with me next to him like we used to. So, of course I gave in to the man that I can not resist. Jake is beautiful even if he has no immediate successful future ahead... he will make it because he's a determined guy and with me by his side, he can't fail. He knows that too which is why I think he loves me so much. He knows that when he's with me he doesn't get into any trouble. He knows now that nothing he faces can be worse than losing me again. This 2nd try (which I hate giving 2nd chances to relationships) will work because, for once, Jake is more determined than I am to make the other happy. I love him and I always have. For now though, I'm going to enjoy life with him back in it and float on air for awhile since I know that he's going to spoil me for awhile. I really do believe that he might be the one for me... that this could be it. BUT, I guess we'll just wait and see.