(no subject)
So, at 1:30pm I thought I finally cracked. I thought that I had finally lost it and went insane. My phone rang and it was playing "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" by Big & Rich. That song only plays when Jake calls me. I thought I was imagining it. I thought "Dear Lord, I've finally lost it. I'm hallucinating." I picked up my phone and lo and behold, it was Jake. I went outside (since I'm at work) and talked to him for 25 minutes. I don't really remember exactly how it went. I know some things that were said, so I'll relay them here...
(Warning: This may be confusing and I may jump thoughts. Do not hold this in any sort of chronological order. I can hardly remember how it happened. We just talked.)
I asked how his trip went and if he won any money and how did his brothers like it and how was his job and did he go out of town, etc. (small talk) And then I said something about the fact that we need to talk about us. He said that he doesn't want to have a sit-down talk cuz he'll "blubber and I don't want to blubber." I said something about how we need to talk cuz I can't do this inbetween shit, this 'maybe' crap. He asked what do I mean and I said that I need to know where I stand. He said that he "needs more time" and that he's "enjoying the single life right now. I don't want to have to call my girlfriend five times a day." I said that he wouldn't have to. I said that I would back off and give him space like I did for the past two weeks, I just didn't want to think that he was going out and screw whatever girl he came across. He did his Jake chuckle at that and said, "You know I'm not a hornball. I've been single for two weeks and I haven't done that." I asked him if he ever cheated on me. He said, "No, I never did that. You know that." I said, "Yeah, but I started thinking about why you would think that you 'didn't deserve me' and that's all I could think of." To which he replied, "I just said that so you could feel good about yourself, let you have the last word, so that I could get off the phone. I never cheated on you." I said, "Well, I know that every single other relationship that you've ever had ended with them cheating on you and you then cheating on them." Jake: "Yeah, to get them back." Me: "Well, I thought that you actually thought that I was cheating on you so you went out and slept around." Jake: "No. I would've KNOWN that you were cheating on me before I would do that and I never thought that you did." (even though he has always accused me of it.) So the conversation went on. I said at one point "I need to know where we are." Jake: "I need more time. I need my stuff back and I have my fight on Friday. I don't want to think about anything else." Me: "I'll back off, Jake. I just thought that we had something. I thought we had something special and the longer we don't talk the easier it's going to be for you to just push me away. I love you, Jake... I always have. I would rather put up with all of your bullshit, and you have a lot of bullshit, then lose you." Jake did his little chuckle to this and didn't say anything... except that he didn't want to talk because he knew that he would "blubber" and "I don't want to blubber in front of you." At one point I said something about his fight and that I still wanted to come. He said, "You can watch the tape. I don't want to see you because that will get my emotions stirred up and I'll be in a weird mood that night." Me: "I won't talk to you. I just want to watch." Jake: "I know that you were pumped to come but I don't want you there." Me: "Ok, Ok." At some point I said that he couldn't have his stuff back until he was ready to talk to me. He kinda got stern/mad at me and said, "You can't hold my stuff as collateral!" Me: "It's not collateral. It's blackmail. If you come and get your stuff then you'll never talk to me again." Jake: "Savannah. We'll talk. You can call me now and I'll actually answer when I see that it's you instead of not answering." Me: "Hey, I haven't called in two weeks, Jake. I can not call you, you know. I can give you space. And I'm not going to call you now." He said that he is going to come down either tonight or tomorrow night to get his things. Jake: "No being cute when I show up cuz then I'll want to fuck ya." Me: "Hell, Jake. I can't be cute. I never have been cute. I don't even think I've bathed since I last saw you." Jake: "EW! Stinky crotch!" (Laughter) Many things were said. I didn't cry. I got choked up near the end though. Jake: "Well, I've got to go." Me: "Well, then tell me what we are. Spell it out. I need to know my boundaries so I don't cross them." Jake: "We're friends right now. Not acquaintances. But, friends. If you're asking me to say that it's all or nothing, I can't. I need more time." Me (with tears in my eyes): "Ok." Jake: "I'll call you later and let you know if I'll be there tonight." Me (trying not to cry): "Ok." So, we got off the phone. I cried for a minute or two but then my brain kicked into high gear and the analyzing started.
The important thing here is that HE CALLED ME. I didn't call him. HE made the first step. Now, whether it's because he's thinking about me or because he just wants his shit, I don't think I'll know until time passes. He could just be getting his shit and then cutting all ties with me. He could never call me again. He could just write me out of his life from this point on. I don't think I'll know for a while. He could see me tonight (or tomorrow night) and remember what he lost. He made it quite clear (in his own way) that it's going to be tough to see me, that he does care for me, and that he'll cry if he talks about this. I want him to cry. I want him to talk while the wound is fresh or he'll be able to push it away. I want to so badly but I can't force it. If I tried, it would only push him away. I know what I have to do and what I'm going to do. I'm going to get adorable. I'm going to wear something he loves and do my hair in his favorite way. I'm going to give him his stuff and wish him good luck at his fight. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to be nonchalant and peaceful. If he brings up something about us, I'll respond with the way that I feel but I will not go overboard or sound like I'm begging. I will not be short with him. I will not get angry or pushed around by anything that he might say. If it comes up, I will tell him that I love him but I will follow that comment with "but, space is all you're getting." I will not hug him goodbye unless he initials it. I WILL NOT sleep with him (even though he is the sexiest man alive!). I have determination when I feel strongly about something. I had determination not to call him for two weeks before even though it tortured me every day and every night. I will and do have that same kind of determination now. I will not sleep with him. He will chase after me. I will not be his puppy that he will drag around wherever he wants. I will not be that anymore. I have my answers and from this point on, unless HE makes a move, I will be working on moving on. I will not call him because he will have to miss me before it would be worth talking to him again anyway. I will hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Right now, I'm single. I got my answers. 1) He didn't cheat on me. 2) He does still feel something for me--it wasn't all an act or gone so easily. 3) He's not ready for me now and may never be. My answers. I have a settled mind. He cares but only time will tell how much. In the meantime, I have to do what I did with all of my other relationships that meant SO much to me: MOVE ON. It makes me so sad to think it and I got tears in my eyes just now when I typed it but I WILL be strong. I WILL NOT let myself be worthless. I will love him for a very long time and if he came crawling back, he's probably the only one of my ex's that I would give it another shot and be happy about it. I will be the one that plays hard-to-get. I will not sleep with him because that would be easy. I will take the stronger road and make him want me back for me... or at least stand to the side and see what happens. I'm scared, but I'm going to be strong. The conversation we had today wasn't all that bad. It didn't go exactly how I wanted (but, hell, I wanted him to cry and beg.) Our conversation only suggested more time. Not a write-off necessarily but not a relationship. *Sigh* This is really, really tough.
(Warning: This may be confusing and I may jump thoughts. Do not hold this in any sort of chronological order. I can hardly remember how it happened. We just talked.)
I asked how his trip went and if he won any money and how did his brothers like it and how was his job and did he go out of town, etc. (small talk) And then I said something about the fact that we need to talk about us. He said that he doesn't want to have a sit-down talk cuz he'll "blubber and I don't want to blubber." I said something about how we need to talk cuz I can't do this inbetween shit, this 'maybe' crap. He asked what do I mean and I said that I need to know where I stand. He said that he "needs more time" and that he's "enjoying the single life right now. I don't want to have to call my girlfriend five times a day." I said that he wouldn't have to. I said that I would back off and give him space like I did for the past two weeks, I just didn't want to think that he was going out and screw whatever girl he came across. He did his Jake chuckle at that and said, "You know I'm not a hornball. I've been single for two weeks and I haven't done that." I asked him if he ever cheated on me. He said, "No, I never did that. You know that." I said, "Yeah, but I started thinking about why you would think that you 'didn't deserve me' and that's all I could think of." To which he replied, "I just said that so you could feel good about yourself, let you have the last word, so that I could get off the phone. I never cheated on you." I said, "Well, I know that every single other relationship that you've ever had ended with them cheating on you and you then cheating on them." Jake: "Yeah, to get them back." Me: "Well, I thought that you actually thought that I was cheating on you so you went out and slept around." Jake: "No. I would've KNOWN that you were cheating on me before I would do that and I never thought that you did." (even though he has always accused me of it.) So the conversation went on. I said at one point "I need to know where we are." Jake: "I need more time. I need my stuff back and I have my fight on Friday. I don't want to think about anything else." Me: "I'll back off, Jake. I just thought that we had something. I thought we had something special and the longer we don't talk the easier it's going to be for you to just push me away. I love you, Jake... I always have. I would rather put up with all of your bullshit, and you have a lot of bullshit, then lose you." Jake did his little chuckle to this and didn't say anything... except that he didn't want to talk because he knew that he would "blubber" and "I don't want to blubber in front of you." At one point I said something about his fight and that I still wanted to come. He said, "You can watch the tape. I don't want to see you because that will get my emotions stirred up and I'll be in a weird mood that night." Me: "I won't talk to you. I just want to watch." Jake: "I know that you were pumped to come but I don't want you there." Me: "Ok, Ok." At some point I said that he couldn't have his stuff back until he was ready to talk to me. He kinda got stern/mad at me and said, "You can't hold my stuff as collateral!" Me: "It's not collateral. It's blackmail. If you come and get your stuff then you'll never talk to me again." Jake: "Savannah. We'll talk. You can call me now and I'll actually answer when I see that it's you instead of not answering." Me: "Hey, I haven't called in two weeks, Jake. I can not call you, you know. I can give you space. And I'm not going to call you now." He said that he is going to come down either tonight or tomorrow night to get his things. Jake: "No being cute when I show up cuz then I'll want to fuck ya." Me: "Hell, Jake. I can't be cute. I never have been cute. I don't even think I've bathed since I last saw you." Jake: "EW! Stinky crotch!" (Laughter) Many things were said. I didn't cry. I got choked up near the end though. Jake: "Well, I've got to go." Me: "Well, then tell me what we are. Spell it out. I need to know my boundaries so I don't cross them." Jake: "We're friends right now. Not acquaintances. But, friends. If you're asking me to say that it's all or nothing, I can't. I need more time." Me (with tears in my eyes): "Ok." Jake: "I'll call you later and let you know if I'll be there tonight." Me (trying not to cry): "Ok." So, we got off the phone. I cried for a minute or two but then my brain kicked into high gear and the analyzing started.
The important thing here is that HE CALLED ME. I didn't call him. HE made the first step. Now, whether it's because he's thinking about me or because he just wants his shit, I don't think I'll know until time passes. He could just be getting his shit and then cutting all ties with me. He could never call me again. He could just write me out of his life from this point on. I don't think I'll know for a while. He could see me tonight (or tomorrow night) and remember what he lost. He made it quite clear (in his own way) that it's going to be tough to see me, that he does care for me, and that he'll cry if he talks about this. I want him to cry. I want him to talk while the wound is fresh or he'll be able to push it away. I want to so badly but I can't force it. If I tried, it would only push him away. I know what I have to do and what I'm going to do. I'm going to get adorable. I'm going to wear something he loves and do my hair in his favorite way. I'm going to give him his stuff and wish him good luck at his fight. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to be nonchalant and peaceful. If he brings up something about us, I'll respond with the way that I feel but I will not go overboard or sound like I'm begging. I will not be short with him. I will not get angry or pushed around by anything that he might say. If it comes up, I will tell him that I love him but I will follow that comment with "but, space is all you're getting." I will not hug him goodbye unless he initials it. I WILL NOT sleep with him (even though he is the sexiest man alive!). I have determination when I feel strongly about something. I had determination not to call him for two weeks before even though it tortured me every day and every night. I will and do have that same kind of determination now. I will not sleep with him. He will chase after me. I will not be his puppy that he will drag around wherever he wants. I will not be that anymore. I have my answers and from this point on, unless HE makes a move, I will be working on moving on. I will not call him because he will have to miss me before it would be worth talking to him again anyway. I will hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Right now, I'm single. I got my answers. 1) He didn't cheat on me. 2) He does still feel something for me--it wasn't all an act or gone so easily. 3) He's not ready for me now and may never be. My answers. I have a settled mind. He cares but only time will tell how much. In the meantime, I have to do what I did with all of my other relationships that meant SO much to me: MOVE ON. It makes me so sad to think it and I got tears in my eyes just now when I typed it but I WILL be strong. I WILL NOT let myself be worthless. I will love him for a very long time and if he came crawling back, he's probably the only one of my ex's that I would give it another shot and be happy about it. I will be the one that plays hard-to-get. I will not sleep with him because that would be easy. I will take the stronger road and make him want me back for me... or at least stand to the side and see what happens. I'm scared, but I'm going to be strong. The conversation we had today wasn't all that bad. It didn't go exactly how I wanted (but, hell, I wanted him to cry and beg.) Our conversation only suggested more time. Not a write-off necessarily but not a relationship. *Sigh* This is really, really tough.