Easier To Run - 7/8
Title: Easier To Run - 7/8
Author & Beta: Shadowfax27
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: Ryan Wolfe/Eric Delko
Category: Angst, Drama, Major AU
Fic Rating: NC-17 - for violence, lots of foul language, and some smut - You’ve been warned!
Chapter Rating: PG
Spoilers: Mild references to S5 episode, “Burned”. And for the sake of this story, let’s pretend the “We, Mr. Wolfe, are not going to abandon you” part that Horatio said to Ryan at the end of “Kill Switch” didn’t happen. Savvy?
Disclaimer: Don’t be silly… I own the Penguins, not the show.
Summary: AU after “Burned”. What if Ryan never got his job back after he got fired?
A/N: Inspired by the lyrics to the song, “Easier To Run” by Linkin Park. And thanks to
sunhawk for this chapter prompt: “Running Out of Fools”.
Written Entirely For:
persikay
-----
Chapter 7 - Running Out Of Fools
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
“Fight for me, Eric,” he whispers now, pouring out his heart’s breath into the Cuban’s ear. “Fight for us…”
He can feel the burn in the backs of his eyes as he softly kisses Eric’s cheek for what may possibly be the last time. Then he pulls away and glances down, hazel greens lingering for just a moment, heartsick with pain and longing.
“Come find me…”
Eric doesn’t even stir.
“Find me…” he whispers again and again, hoping that Eric can somehow hear him through the haze of his slumber. “Find me… Find me…”
Taking a last mournful look at the still-sleeping man, Ryan breathes a silent but heavy sigh before slowly and half-heartedly getting up from the bed. And without giving himself a chance to second-guess his decision, the former CSI walks quickly to the door, one grave and heart-wrenching step after another, and silently leaves Eric’s room, his apartment, his life, and Miami…
For good.
---
Hours later, Eric wakes up without opening his eyes, fearing that he’s alone in his bed again and yet knowing full well that Ryan’s already gone, the void underneath his arms and the lack of warmth beside him confirming what he wants so badly to deny.
For the next half hour, he doesn’t make any movement; doesn’t dare to open his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with the emptiness right now. He wants to prolong the inevitable: the loneliness, the heartbreak… the pain. He thinks that keeping his eyes shut will prevent reality from sinking in, at least for a time.
And so, he remains where he is for another half hour: soundless, unmoving, both eyes shut. Beyond the seemingly peaceful exterior, his body belies the turmoil that’s battling in his head, his thoughts at war with each other as they try to make sense of everything, trying to debate what he ought to do now.
With a heavy sigh, he finally opens his eyes, the empty space next to him proving once and for all the current state of things. He turns over onto his back, crossing his hands behind his head.
He stares up at the ceiling, thinking, debating…
He doesn’t know what to do. His mind is full of conflicting thoughts right now. He knows how long it has taken him to find Ryan this last time - four arduous months to be exact. Ryan had made good on severing all contact the first time he left. He’d covered his tracks damn well. Almost too well, in fact.
And knowing the former CSI, it will likely take Eric even longer to find him again… that is, of course, should the Cuban desire to make another contact. He knows that Ryan won’t stay in the same place for long, especially now that he’d been found. He’ll most likely move again, change his cell phone number, and then disappear the first chance he gets.
Only this time, he won’t make it easy for Eric to find him.
And Eric knows he’ll really have to prove himself next time he tracks him down.
But a part of him is asking, “Haven’t you proven enough by finding him the first time?”
Eric only shakes his head at that, silencing the wayward thought. He knows he has to really fight for Ryan now, fight for what they had with everything he has. That’s because he knows, too, that deep inside, Ryan was right…
He didn’t fight for him like he should have when Ryan lost his job.
In his righteous indignation, he thought (and felt for certain) that he, too, was doing the right thing. But the truth is, he had given up too easily, afraid for his job’s security, afraid of what others might say if he “sided” with the younger man. He knew that Ryan didn’t expect him to take his side completely. But what he didn’t expect was for Eric to blame him for everything, fighting him instead of fighting for him.
And Ryan never expected Eric to turn his back and walk away.
That, more than his finger-pointing and their bitter shouting match, had left Ryan feeling alone and angry and hurt. He’d left Miami feeling devastatingly betrayed… by his friend and lover, no less.
He knows he should’ve been the first one there by Ryan’s side, understanding him, defending him, supporting him… even if he knows Ryan did the wrong thing, monumentally fucking up his job despite the best of intentions.
But that’s all that should have really mattered, right?
The best of intentions?
Because his soul tells him that he does believe Ryan’s reasons, regardless of how ridiculous he thought they were. And his heart is still resolute in its refusal to doubt the younger man’s sincerity: he did what he had to do to protect the lab. Simply put, even though Eric had disagreed and still disagrees with the way the younger man handled the situation, he knows he can’t really fault Ryan for not wanting to be blackmailed by a suspect.
No… He can only fault Ryan for being proud, for assuming that he could try to right things on his own, for lying to Horatio instead of leveling with him and asking for help, thinking he can get away with it and solve the problem himself.
And he can only fault him for being as pigheaded as he is - intractable when it comes to making him stay.
“But can you really blame him?” the voice in his head asks.
After all, what was there left for Ryan in Miami if he couldn’t be a CSI?
What was he supposed to do when the team turned its back on him, abandoning him despite his intention to protect them?
In both of these instances, Eric can clearly see why Ryan had to leave. And he can fathom why he wouldn’t want to stick around in Miami either. He’d felt abandoned, yes. And betrayed by the ones he had called “family”.
But only one question actually held a determining sway in Ryan’s decision - one question that Eric himself has been afraid to acknowledge, to give voice to… until now.
Was there really any reason for Ryan to stay when even the man he loved wouldn’t fight for him?
“You’re a fool, Eric,” his mind answers. “You were a fool to leave him, and you’re an even bigger fool if you let him go again.”
---
Fourteen months later.
“Eric?”
“H…” the Cuban’s voice held a perceptible resolve despite an undercurrent of uncertainty in his posture. “I think this is it. I think I found him.”
The red-head takes a step closer and cocks his head to the side. A look of comprehension softens his face.
“You’re sure about this?”
“My contact says he’s positive. That and… I got the pictures to prove it,” he answers.
He hands the older man a brown manila envelope and watches as he takes a look, flipping through each page unhurriedly, trained eyes roaming through the images, systematically studying the photographs.
“I got a good look at them,” Eric continues after a while. “It’s him. I know it.”
“So, you found him,” Horatio asks more than states, stuffing the evidence back into the envelope before returning it to Eric.
“Yeah… I can’t believe it. I mean, I’ve been waiting for this to happen, you know? I’ve wanted to find out for the past fourteen months. But now that I already have it…” he takes a deep breath, exhales, and shakes his head. “Now I’m not so sure.”
Horatio gives a small chuckle at that. He already knows what Eric is getting at, and he knows it’s not a decision that his CSI can make without careful consideration and much thought.
“I understand,” was all the older man can say. Then adds, “How long will you need?”
“A month. Maybe two,” the Cuban answers. “I’ve got some loose ends to tie up. It’s going to take some time to get everything ready.”
“And your family?”
This time, Eric sighs, clearly torn, “I’m the youngest in my family, H. Everyone’s had a chance to live their own life: my sisters, my parents. They’ve had the chance to choose the way that’s right for them, even if the family didn’t always agree with those choices. Even Mari’s had a chance to follow her heart, to go after what she wanted. And she did it despite knowing the risks.”
He averts his eyes and pauses to arrange his thoughts, wishing he could just will the right answer to flash through his mind. But then he just sighs in surrender and looks up to meet the other’s sharp blue gaze, his brown eyes all but pleading the Lieutenant to tell him the next step, the right path to choose.
He sighs, “What should I do?”
“Eric, I think…” and this time, the red-head takes a step back, cocking his head to the side once more, a slight but genuine smile twisting his lips. “I think you already know.”
---
TBC
A/N: Mwuh-ah-ah-ah-ah… Another cliffie! And only one chapter to go…
Author & Beta: Shadowfax27
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: Ryan Wolfe/Eric Delko
Category: Angst, Drama, Major AU
Fic Rating: NC-17 - for violence, lots of foul language, and some smut - You’ve been warned!
Chapter Rating: PG
Spoilers: Mild references to S5 episode, “Burned”. And for the sake of this story, let’s pretend the “We, Mr. Wolfe, are not going to abandon you” part that Horatio said to Ryan at the end of “Kill Switch” didn’t happen. Savvy?
Disclaimer: Don’t be silly… I own the Penguins, not the show.
Summary: AU after “Burned”. What if Ryan never got his job back after he got fired?
A/N: Inspired by the lyrics to the song, “Easier To Run” by Linkin Park. And thanks to
sunhawk for this chapter prompt: “Running Out of Fools”.
Written Entirely For:
persikay
-----
Chapter 7 - Running Out Of Fools
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
“Fight for me, Eric,” he whispers now, pouring out his heart’s breath into the Cuban’s ear. “Fight for us…”
He can feel the burn in the backs of his eyes as he softly kisses Eric’s cheek for what may possibly be the last time. Then he pulls away and glances down, hazel greens lingering for just a moment, heartsick with pain and longing.
“Come find me…”
Eric doesn’t even stir.
“Find me…” he whispers again and again, hoping that Eric can somehow hear him through the haze of his slumber. “Find me… Find me…”
Taking a last mournful look at the still-sleeping man, Ryan breathes a silent but heavy sigh before slowly and half-heartedly getting up from the bed. And without giving himself a chance to second-guess his decision, the former CSI walks quickly to the door, one grave and heart-wrenching step after another, and silently leaves Eric’s room, his apartment, his life, and Miami…
For good.
---
Hours later, Eric wakes up without opening his eyes, fearing that he’s alone in his bed again and yet knowing full well that Ryan’s already gone, the void underneath his arms and the lack of warmth beside him confirming what he wants so badly to deny.
For the next half hour, he doesn’t make any movement; doesn’t dare to open his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with the emptiness right now. He wants to prolong the inevitable: the loneliness, the heartbreak… the pain. He thinks that keeping his eyes shut will prevent reality from sinking in, at least for a time.
And so, he remains where he is for another half hour: soundless, unmoving, both eyes shut. Beyond the seemingly peaceful exterior, his body belies the turmoil that’s battling in his head, his thoughts at war with each other as they try to make sense of everything, trying to debate what he ought to do now.
With a heavy sigh, he finally opens his eyes, the empty space next to him proving once and for all the current state of things. He turns over onto his back, crossing his hands behind his head.
He stares up at the ceiling, thinking, debating…
He doesn’t know what to do. His mind is full of conflicting thoughts right now. He knows how long it has taken him to find Ryan this last time - four arduous months to be exact. Ryan had made good on severing all contact the first time he left. He’d covered his tracks damn well. Almost too well, in fact.
And knowing the former CSI, it will likely take Eric even longer to find him again… that is, of course, should the Cuban desire to make another contact. He knows that Ryan won’t stay in the same place for long, especially now that he’d been found. He’ll most likely move again, change his cell phone number, and then disappear the first chance he gets.
Only this time, he won’t make it easy for Eric to find him.
And Eric knows he’ll really have to prove himself next time he tracks him down.
But a part of him is asking, “Haven’t you proven enough by finding him the first time?”
Eric only shakes his head at that, silencing the wayward thought. He knows he has to really fight for Ryan now, fight for what they had with everything he has. That’s because he knows, too, that deep inside, Ryan was right…
He didn’t fight for him like he should have when Ryan lost his job.
In his righteous indignation, he thought (and felt for certain) that he, too, was doing the right thing. But the truth is, he had given up too easily, afraid for his job’s security, afraid of what others might say if he “sided” with the younger man. He knew that Ryan didn’t expect him to take his side completely. But what he didn’t expect was for Eric to blame him for everything, fighting him instead of fighting for him.
And Ryan never expected Eric to turn his back and walk away.
That, more than his finger-pointing and their bitter shouting match, had left Ryan feeling alone and angry and hurt. He’d left Miami feeling devastatingly betrayed… by his friend and lover, no less.
He knows he should’ve been the first one there by Ryan’s side, understanding him, defending him, supporting him… even if he knows Ryan did the wrong thing, monumentally fucking up his job despite the best of intentions.
But that’s all that should have really mattered, right?
The best of intentions?
Because his soul tells him that he does believe Ryan’s reasons, regardless of how ridiculous he thought they were. And his heart is still resolute in its refusal to doubt the younger man’s sincerity: he did what he had to do to protect the lab. Simply put, even though Eric had disagreed and still disagrees with the way the younger man handled the situation, he knows he can’t really fault Ryan for not wanting to be blackmailed by a suspect.
No… He can only fault Ryan for being proud, for assuming that he could try to right things on his own, for lying to Horatio instead of leveling with him and asking for help, thinking he can get away with it and solve the problem himself.
And he can only fault him for being as pigheaded as he is - intractable when it comes to making him stay.
“But can you really blame him?” the voice in his head asks.
After all, what was there left for Ryan in Miami if he couldn’t be a CSI?
What was he supposed to do when the team turned its back on him, abandoning him despite his intention to protect them?
In both of these instances, Eric can clearly see why Ryan had to leave. And he can fathom why he wouldn’t want to stick around in Miami either. He’d felt abandoned, yes. And betrayed by the ones he had called “family”.
But only one question actually held a determining sway in Ryan’s decision - one question that Eric himself has been afraid to acknowledge, to give voice to… until now.
Was there really any reason for Ryan to stay when even the man he loved wouldn’t fight for him?
“You’re a fool, Eric,” his mind answers. “You were a fool to leave him, and you’re an even bigger fool if you let him go again.”
---
Fourteen months later.
“Eric?”
“H…” the Cuban’s voice held a perceptible resolve despite an undercurrent of uncertainty in his posture. “I think this is it. I think I found him.”
The red-head takes a step closer and cocks his head to the side. A look of comprehension softens his face.
“You’re sure about this?”
“My contact says he’s positive. That and… I got the pictures to prove it,” he answers.
He hands the older man a brown manila envelope and watches as he takes a look, flipping through each page unhurriedly, trained eyes roaming through the images, systematically studying the photographs.
“I got a good look at them,” Eric continues after a while. “It’s him. I know it.”
“So, you found him,” Horatio asks more than states, stuffing the evidence back into the envelope before returning it to Eric.
“Yeah… I can’t believe it. I mean, I’ve been waiting for this to happen, you know? I’ve wanted to find out for the past fourteen months. But now that I already have it…” he takes a deep breath, exhales, and shakes his head. “Now I’m not so sure.”
Horatio gives a small chuckle at that. He already knows what Eric is getting at, and he knows it’s not a decision that his CSI can make without careful consideration and much thought.
“I understand,” was all the older man can say. Then adds, “How long will you need?”
“A month. Maybe two,” the Cuban answers. “I’ve got some loose ends to tie up. It’s going to take some time to get everything ready.”
“And your family?”
This time, Eric sighs, clearly torn, “I’m the youngest in my family, H. Everyone’s had a chance to live their own life: my sisters, my parents. They’ve had the chance to choose the way that’s right for them, even if the family didn’t always agree with those choices. Even Mari’s had a chance to follow her heart, to go after what she wanted. And she did it despite knowing the risks.”
He averts his eyes and pauses to arrange his thoughts, wishing he could just will the right answer to flash through his mind. But then he just sighs in surrender and looks up to meet the other’s sharp blue gaze, his brown eyes all but pleading the Lieutenant to tell him the next step, the right path to choose.
He sighs, “What should I do?”
“Eric, I think…” and this time, the red-head takes a step back, cocking his head to the side once more, a slight but genuine smile twisting his lips. “I think you already know.”
---
TBC
A/N: Mwuh-ah-ah-ah-ah… Another cliffie! And only one chapter to go…