(no subject)
Sittin here, I just got new needles and I'm rippin' up some jungle. but when i go to think i cant, some topics just leave my mind wondering with possiblities, so many thoughts cross my mind that i dont even know which ones are mine, i dont know what im thinking anymore. Is it me? I used to be sure it wasnt, but now im not sure if it is or not. It's soo fucked up i don't know what to do with myself. I fucked up hardcore. I wish there was a way to fix it, a way to bring back my origanal mind that i started this life with. But was it so much better than, when i think about the past, i feel hate and want nothing to do with it. I dont know whats made me the way i am today, maybee im crazy, maybee im insane, or maybee its the drugs. Cause it's gettin a little bit to harcore for me to handle, i've put up with it for a long time now. I had the chance to end it a thousand times, looking at the barrel, and wanting the strength to pull the trigger. But my mother, i couldn't leave my mother alone in the world, im the only thing she had left. But what now, my mothers dead. Must've been the drugs, do i wanna turn out like this. No. Then stop chad, you canbt thjough you just keeep running away from it, why am i still here. I dont know. but now why would i leave her, i love her so much. If she wasnt here would i be dead right onw, what if i would've stuck to partying and nevver comming home, last time i didnt come home i overdosed twice and put my mother through hell, nothing was stopping me after she died so why am i heere, why arent i in cali, why am i alive, why am i not in jail, why am more down to earth than i've ever felt in my life. Why did i have to wait this long. but is it real. is it a dream, will it end or will it stay. i need it, thats all i know. i have all these fucking questions and no awnsers. im going insane.... Badass, brians on his way to smoke a joint with me... Maybee i should just chill out, i think i should be grateful for what i have and focus on the moment. I love you more than anything, I'd be lost without you, I would die for you. If it wasnt for the friends i have right now. i dont even know. i dont know where the fuck i would be or what id be smoking doing or taking. It really scares me.